first of all, my therapy's not yet over. my doctor decided to continue it for 6 more sessions. sabi nga ni J, one of the interns, akala raw niya graduate na ako. oh well, hindi pa rin. the thing is, i already left my old dormitory. ang hirap kasi nilipat ako sa ibang room tapos sa taas na kama pa. lalong sumasakit likod ko. if i won't be able to find a better place, malamang uwian na lang ako. baka naman may alam kayong room for rent or boarding house malapit sa POC (Phil. Orthopedic Center), please let me know. basta wag lang sa Simoun St. thanks. ^_^
sa nakalipas na tatlong linggo, at sa susunod pang tatlong linggo, si sir omar na naman ang makakaharap ko. he's my physical therapist. and i super thank him for taking very good care of me. kasama na rin sina ms. ronsie, at yung interns na tumutulong sken sa exercises especially sina grace, edz, jun, j, at si ate. ^_^
during my stay in banawe, i've met several good people with whom i have promised to keep in touch. una na dun si ate gien, my first roommate. she's a nurse from zamboanga and i really learned a lot from her. first night pa lang, mega daldalan na kame and i was honored that she trusted me enough para pagkwentuhan ng buhay niya. my second day was even better. i decided to attend mass in sto. domingo church, which is just a ride away from where i was staying. after the mass, i heard someone asked, "miss, saang chapter ka?" i turned back and saw a petite girl just about my age, and i asked her back, "SFC ka rin?" she said yes and we were both thrilled and excited to know more about each other. i told her that i'm from rosario and i learned that she's from malate. she gave me her number and we resolved to keep in touch with each other. that night, when i arrived at the dorm, i texted her, and she replied. that was the start of our sisterhood. in just a matter of weeks, shy (that's her nickname), has become one of the closest friends i ever had. indeed, our meeting wasn't just a coincidence. God knew we needed each other, so He made a way. ^_^
and then there's ate marge and ate nanique, religion teachers from general santos and bicol respectively. sila ang pumalit nung umalis si ate gien. they're so fun to be with and i also learned some new lingo from them. they're best friends since college and they're really cool. super kulit, lalo na si ate nanique. =p
aside from them, i've also seen a lot of people who reminded me how blessed i am despite my condition. they made me appreciate life better. and like what i told my chapter head, although i'm far from the community, God has made a way to reach me and to touch me through people, situations, songs, and the simple things that happen in my everyday life.
i kept a journal because the blessings and the lessons are overwhelming that i couldn't just let them pass (and i didn't have internet access so i cannot blog about them. not until now). i'll share some of the things written on my journal but let me make it clear that THIS IS MY STORY and i'm just sharing it. i don't have the intention to brainwash you or something. you have the choice to read it or not, agree or disagree, believe or just ignore. again, this is a democratic country and we have the freedom to speak our minds as long as wala tayong sinisiraang tao at wala tayong tinatapakang dignidad. i'm taking full responsibility for whatever i say here. sinasabi ko 'to kasi i'll be talking about a lot of things. this is a lengthy post. sa tagal ko ba namang nanahimik, marami na akong naipong thoughts, realizations, etc. but again, opinion ko lang po 'to. this is personal. my thoughts don't reflect your thoughts. you have every right to say whatever you want and need to say, make your own blog, join our community. ^_^
anyway, here are some of my journal entries. i won't be posting them in full though, (the ellipses signify the omitted parts) some things are better left unsaid. *wink*
17 April, Thursday
... my therapy is going pretty well although yesterday was more painful... i love how little miracles unfold in my life with each passing day... contrary to what other people have said, i am not stressed out and i don't feel a single stress coming through. i just enjoy every moment that i'm awake. i sleep every time my back aches. my life is simple and beautiful. i worry not. i just thank God for the blessings that come my way and for the miracles that i witness everyday. Shy is correct, God has a lot of surprises for us everyday, the appreciation is just up to us. today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. that's how i see things now and i really want to go back to Pasig with a very positive outlook and very high spirits. i want to be more beautiful inside and out. and of course, i want to be holy. i remember what the priest told us during his homily last Tuesday: to be Christian is to be holy; to be Christian is to be saint. i was wrong to say i'm not a saint (in my last blog) because true Christianity demands sainthood... i am positive that more good things will come my way. i just have to count my blessings and be appreciative about everything. this message was a great help: "At times you're sad about what's going on with your life, just remember one permanent fact: everything changes. Tomorrow might be different." and i'm looking forward to every tomorrow. i would also like to share the following from today's homily. "The seven wonders of the world: the eyes that see beauty, the ears that hear wonderful things and listen to what needs to be heard, the nose that smells fragrance, the tongue that tastes that which is delicious, the feet that brings us to places we need to go to, the mind that thinks of good things, the heart that loves, the hands that reach out to others in need. Our body itself is a wonder and we were created in such a way that all the parts can be used to glorify God. That we should keep in mind. And that should inspire us to live a life that matters. Live our lives with a purpose, that is to love and serve the Lord our God and Creator through our love and service for others. Challenging, but that's the way it should be."
22 April, Tuesday
... i am alone again, but i'm fine. =) i'm getting better everyday although i must admit, i don't feel that well today. i'm a bit sick. but again, i'm fine. and i would like to share the things i've learned from last Sunday's homily. it was about Jesus as the way, the truth, and the life. Shy shared a nice homily through text which says, "We need to see God in every aspect of our lives. Do we see God only during happy times or do we still see His light during darkness?" as for me, i try to see God everyday and everywhere. and as i've said in my previous entries, i try to look for "the good" in every situation, place, people, or thing. i have come to believe that miracles happen everyday and i am going to appreciate the little blessings that come my way. here's another homily from Father Babes Amper: "Day by day, seek to know Christ more clearly, follow Him more nearly, and love Him more dearly." nice no? ...
"Smile. You don't own all the problems in the world." That's what i do: smile. life is full of surprises and there will always be a lot of reasons to be happy... i believe that as long as you love life, life will give you all the more reasons to enjoy it. =)
i went to sto. domingo church to attend mass this afternoon... i was touched by the homily and for some reason, i was moved into tears. the Gospel was about Jesus leaving peace to His disciples. the priest told us that the peace that Jesus offers is not the same as that of the world. it's the kind of peace that cannot be taken away. and it has four components, if i may say: Jesus' peace = peace with ourselves (clear conscience, clarity of actions) + peace with our neighbors (benevolence, charity) + peace with the environment + peace with God. Peace with the environment is essential. Simple acts of littering can do great damage to the environment, and in the words of the priest who headed this afternoon's mass, "a messy, dirty environment would never bring us peace"... Peace with God can be achieved by aligning our will to God's will. we must be willing to accept whatever the plan of the Almighty is for our lives. anyway, He knows best and as He promised in Jeremiah 29:11, which is my favorite verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." i'm holding on to that promise and in my life, and in everything, i say, "Your will be done, Lord."
29 April, Tuesday
[morning]
... for the past seven days, a lot has happened. but unfortunately, most of those events weren't that good. in fact, a lot of the things that happened last week brought me pain (physically and emotionally), and yes, i shed tears. do i want to talk about it? i'd rather not... today is the second to the last day of the month and it's a great opportunity for me to start over. keyword: START OVER! as i do that, i carry with me the learnings and realizations that i had during the previous weeks. being alone indeed has taught me a lot and it also gave me a review of the facts about life which i already knew but have almost forgotten or rather have taken for granted. as i reflect, i have come to believe the following:
1. words can lie but feelings can't... almost the same as "words can't immortalize feelings". the only word i can trust as an absolute truth is God's word. it's the only promise that will never be broken.
2. napakahirap kalabanin ang lungkot. mahirap, pero kayang gawin. enough said. it's like the saying, "if there's a will, there's a way."
3. lesson from the sand: you can't hold too many things. no matter what you do to make them stay, and no matter how much they want to stay, the wind will always blow them away. so learn to let go and choose carefully which you want to stay. because like the sand, only those which are at the center of your palm will last.
4. don't run ahead of God. let Him direct your steps. He has plans and He has time. God's clock is never early nor late. it always strikes on time.
i want to be somewhere peaceful. i need a break. i'm too tired.
[evening, just before sleeping]
i did a lot of crying today. in fact, i'm still crying until now. i was truly blessed and touched by God... sabi ko nga kay mama, uuwi ako sa Pasig na sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam, mas malapit kay God, at higit sa lahat, mas maganda ang kalooban. today, i was transferred to another room... i tell you, it's really uncomfortable. i feel so alone, so neglected. and because i can't sleep this afternoon, i decided to go out and get some air. i had lunch/merienda first and after that, i went to sto. domingo church. it wasn't an accident that i went there. i would like to believe that God sent me there. i was amazed by how God worked in my life today - from the adoration chapel, to the mass, to the confession - everything was, i guess, planned by Him. i went first to the adoration chapel, and there, i did a lot of crying already. i haven't been inside any adoration chapel for quite some time. i felt God's presence and i was grateful that despite my unworthiness, He still accepts me everytime i come back to Him...
i attended the mass and God, again, spoke very clearly through the priest. at first i thought i'm not going to receive anything that could help me from the homily because it was about the life of St. Catherine of Sienna. but i was wrong. everything i needed to hear was right there, at the core of the homily. the words came from Bishop Soc Villegas and the priest shared it with us. the message was simple: "if we say YES to God in service, we should also say NO to sinfulness and worldliness." that hit me. we should be HOLY not WORLDLY! the priest told us to ask the grace from God for us to be able to give our lives fully and completely to Him, without reservations. we must detach ourselves from the world and the pleasures that it gives. i remember one quote from In His Steps. "We may be IN the world but not OF the world." see the difference? again, i shed tears, because i felt God speaking and reminding me of what i should be. i wanted to hug someone. after the mass, i was looking for Shy but unfortunately, she wasn't there... [i went to confession, and that was the best thing that has happened to me that day. i can't go into details though, but i'll continue with the not too personal parts]... after he (my priest friend) gave me absolution, i asked him to pray for my healing from my physical sickness and he told me that he will always pray for me. his words were: "i'm with you in prayers." he told me to offer everything to God and believe that He is the Divine Healer...
this is a new beginning and it wasn't just an accident that i wrote the words "start over" because indeed, i am starting over...
even if i'm away from the community, God continued to give me inputs for my spiritual growth and i'm really grateful and overwhelmed. with God by my side, i will never ever be lost. i just have to heed His call. here's God's message which velle shared with me: "See Me walking with you every painful step of the way. Picture Me embracing you every millisecond, never leaving your side. Feel Me beside you, quietly bearing everything, enduring the anguish with you. Know that after the rain comes a rainbow." To God be the glory forever. I'm free!
1 May, Thursday
new month, new challenges, new blessings, and i am but excited because i believe that everything happens according to God's plan. today i received a lot of appreciation from unexpected people and i am eternally grateful...
let me share a thought which i believe came from God: choose what to listen. sometimes the words that people tell you are rather devastating than helpful. keep the positive attitude despite the negative statements that you hear from those around you. keep your spirits high, trust only one word - God's word.
[i think i've said enough. clear naman siguro yung point ko.]
... here's God's message for Shy: "Hang in there. I will lead you to a place where you can be happy."
when i read her message, i was deeply touched and comforted. and i said to myself, i'm never gonna let go of God's hand...
2 May, Friday
no more journal entries. i'm blogging again. but i've typed too much already. i'll continue tomorrow. ^_^
one note on global warming and other world issues: friends, let's be responsible stewards of the earth. save the planet. save the future. we have one today to save tomorrow before it's too late. ^_^
3 May, Saturday
what can i do to make you love me? what can i do to make you care?
i'll stop the world and melt with you...
these were the last two songs i heard over 94.7 Mellow (sounds good). wala lang. no comment. haha. alright! this is me speaking now. ako rin naman yung kahapon pero what i mean is yung ngayon, wala ng kopya. i'll speak from the mind (and from the heart). yung kahapon kasi i was simply copying what is written on my journal. wait. OMG! haha. i'm hearing David Cook's version of "Always Be My Baby". grabe, kilig. hehe. i simply love his voice. i love his performance last week, well, lagi naman e. he's my bet. ^_^ he brightened my day, really.
moving on... hehe.. ayun nga, masyado akong na-hook sa "always be my baby", isa kasi yun sa pinakagusto kong kanta ni mariah e.. isa pa yung "butterfly"... anyway, enough of that.. i'll continue to talk about my recent realizations and experiences..
[on love, rejection, the pain of not being loved back, and waiting graciously for God's best]
for some reason, naging topic of discussion namin 'to ni velle, ni mars, and ni shy na rin..
one thing i learned from the wedding singer: "why would you want to dance with someone who doesn't want to dance with you?" oo nga naman di ba? i''ll just wait for someone who wants and is willing to dance with me. hindi naman ako nagmamadali e. like i always tell my girl friends, we just have to remain as we are, beautiful inside and out. there's no need to waste our time chasing someone who doesn't realize our worth because somewhere, there's someone else asking for our hands from God. isn't that a lot sweeter? here's a quote i received this afternoon and i really feel that i have the responsibility to pass it on. it says, "when you fall in love, you go into a state of insanity where you lose control of yourself, consciously or unconsciously. what matters is that you fall in love with someone who won't take advantage of your insanity, but will respect you and take the responsibility of being loved by an insane person." girls, be more cautious. madalas kasi, we're the ones taken advantage of. kaya pray hard. ^_^ i don't know if this would help but i would like to share God's message to me on the 1st day of this year, during my moment with Him. here it goes: "My dear daughter Aiza, never give yourself away to someone who doesn't realize My word and your worth. You are precious to Me. I love you. You deserve a man who is man enough to know My word, keep it, and live by it. You deserve someone who would treat you right, according to how you should be treated, according to My will and My word. Until that someone comes, guard your heart from false and worldly professions of love. Trust Me. The right man will come along."
that was really comforting. and that made me worry-free. i can't make you love me. so what? i don't even need it. God loves me. is there anything better than that?
what can i do to make you love me? what can i do to make you care? the answer is simple: NOTHING. because in the first place, i don't have to make anyone love me. neither do i need to make anyone care. God is enough.
i don't care if you don't care. i don't need someone who cares just because he was told to do so.
so girls, especially those who are single, be happy. because God is keeping us away from the wrong people. all we have to do is remain faithful to His word and He will do the rest. remember, if God wills anything, He will make it happen. ^_^ stay in love with God. because only He can complete us.
one final note: i got this from leov. thanks girl. ^_^
Sometimes, you just have to put a period on something that has to end and not just settle on a comma. Why? Coz time will come, you'll realize that it's nicer to see a complete sentence, rather than seeing a phrase that keeps on hanging and no longer makes any sense.
guys, take it from me, it's okay to hold on but not for too long. they say that love hurts, yes it does, but it should be a good hurt. learn to let go no matter how painful because holding on to something that is wrong, will only kill you. pain is good as long as it keeps you alive. but once it starts to kill you, you better get rid of it. stay alive people. because life is beautiful.
to end this post, here are the best lessons/reviews/realizations that i have (aside from those i already mentioned) as of this moment:
*do what is right at all times, at all cost.
*never get yourself attached to the world and everything in it - the people, the places, the things, the animals, everything. because the world is changing and temporary and so is everything (even people change. that's a fact!). why attach yourself to something that won't last? instead, secure yourself by holding on to God. for He alone is constant. He alone is permanent. there's no better place than home. and our only true home is in God's kingdom.
*don't ask 'why'. believe that everything happens for a reason. God knows best. and He's in control. let Him be in control.
the past couple of weeks seemed like a training period for me. sabi ko nga kay shy, i feel that i'm on a spiritual journey towards rebirth and reunion with God. and i'm glad to have her as my companion. we're both struggling on some personal issues but we both know that everything is just a test. we want to be holy, so God is purifying our hearts. we're getting better everyday and we're determined to walk the path to righteousness and holiness. we're already Singles for Christ, but more than that, we want to be Ladies for Christ. (actually, ako lang nakaisip nun.. hehe.. sorry shy, dinamay kita.. agree ka naman diba? haha.. pinilit..).
i'm so inspired, full of good vibes. i don't know, i'm just happy. kahit na ilang beses akong umiyak ngayong linggo, ayos lang. kasi sabi ko nga kay velle, yung mga luhang yun ang nagpalaya sken. kanina, nung nag-usap kami ni mama, naiyak din ako. kasi ang sakit talaga. pero after that, ok na uli ako. ganun talaga. unfair ang buhay. hindi dahil mabait ka, mabait din sila. hindi dahil nag-aalala ka sa kanila, nag-aalala din sila sa'yo. siguro nakukulitan na rin si God sken kasi ilang beses na rin Niyang sinabi sken yun. i can picture Him now talking to me, "Anak, siguro naman ngayon natuto ka na talaga. Tama na ha? Masyado ka ng nasaktan. Tama na. Nandito Ako. Maniwala ka. Tandaan mo lahat ng sinulat mo ngayon. Dahil lahat ng 'to, hindi para sa iba, para sayo. Read your blog my dear. Reflect. This is my message to you. I love you my daughter. And you will always be special, hindi man sa mundo, pero para sa Akin, mahalaga ka."
i'm smiling now. because i just felt God's embrace. i know i'll be fine. i'll always be fine. ^_^
am i supposed to be happy, when all i ever wanted, it comes with a price? - i know i said before that this is the best RJA song i've ever heard so far. well, it still is. but i just want to say that, i am happy. because all i ever wanted was to be loved and cared for. and guess what? God loves me. God cares for me. and God's love is for free. i don't need to pay anything because Jesus already paid for my sins even before i came into being.
nakakaloko yung mga kanta, ngayon "Empty" naman ng The Click Five... hehe... and now, "Nine in the Afternoon" (Panic at the Disco).. listen to Mellow 94.7, mawiwindang din kayo.. haha.. seriously, it's a good station.. good choices of music.. you'll learn a lot from the djs, lalo na kay DJ Marco. warning lang, medyo marami silang ka-sentihan.. so if you're kinda emotional, medyo madadala kayo.. just remember one thing, you are the master of your emotions.. you should be.. tsaka focus on God.. yun lang.. sabi ko nga kanina, piliing mabuti kung alin ang pakikinggan niyo dahil hindi lahat makakabuti at makakatulong. ^_^
[last song before i shut the pc down.. i'm not missing you.. i'm not going through the motions praying and hoping you'd call me.. i'm not missing you.. you might have had me open but i must be going because i got life to do.. i know i'm usually hanging on, i used to hate to see you go.. but this time it's different.. i don't even feel the distance.. i'm not missing, i'm not missing you..
some other nice lines from the same song.. what good is love when it keeps on hurting me?... love is good when it is right..]
may God's blessing and guidance be upon you always.
to God be the glory.
~*float like a butterfly. sting like a bee.*~
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