YOUR HEART TODAY [this is my song and my prayer]

Where there is fear I can allay, where there is pain I can heal,

Where there are wounds I can bind, and hunger I can fill.

Lord, grant me courage, Lord, grant me strength,

Grant me compassion that I may be Your heart today.

Where there is hate I can confront, where there are yokes I can release,

Where there are captives I can free, and anger I can appease.

Lord, grant me courage, Lord, grant me strength,

Grant me compassion that I may be Your heart today.

When comes the day I dread to see our broken world,

Compel me from my cell grown cold that Your people I may behold.

Where there is fear I can allay, where there is pain I can heal,

Where there are wounds I can bind, and hunger I can fill.

Lord, grant me courage, Lord, grant me strength,

Grant me compassion that I may be Your heart today.

And when I’ve done all that I could,

Yet there are hearts I cannot move,

Lord, give me hope… that I may be Your heart today.

i'm mean because you're stupid.. [farewell to my dark side]

..that's the statement boldly printed on a shirt i saw yesterday at american boulevard..

and the only word that i was able to utter upon seeing it was "nice"..

so what's with it? why did i choose it to be the title of this long post? for one, i believe that the statement makes sense.. at isa pa, nakaka-relate ako.. somehow..

as i look back sa lahat ng nangyayari sa life ko lately, i have but one realization: this is not me! this is not the life that i want..

everything is a mess.. nothing seems right, in fact, nothing IS right.

in as much as i want to put the blame on other people, i can't help but be guilty of everything.. this is my life.. and it is my decision to live it this way.. and i definitely made a very wrong decision..

i thought i was doing the right thing.. i thought it was the best, most healthy move for me.. pero hindi pala.. habang tumatagal ako sa pagiging ganito, nagiging malinaw din sa akin ang lahat.. sinisira ko lang ang sarili ko.. pinapatay ko kung sino talaga ako..

siguro nga yun din naman kasi ang gusto ko, patayin yung dating ako.. kalimutan lahat.. magsimula uli.. but then again, everything is easier said than done..

all this time, loser pa rin pala ako..

i'm killing myself sa sobrang pagka-busy ko sa iba't ibang bagay.. school, work, service, etc..
i barely have enough time to sleep or rest or even eat.. i'm always on the go..

bilib nga ako sa sarili ko kasi kahit na lagi akong nagpapaulan, hindi ako nagkakasakit.. kahit na maubos ko ang isang tumbler na red horse, hindi man lang ako nahihilo.. wala lang.. numb lang ako plus some rashes sa likod.. pero other than those, sobrang ok ako.. kaya ko pang gumala sa mall, mag-movie marathon, magpuyat, etc.. i had minor ulcer attacks pero nadadaan naman sa gamot.. i lost weight but i'm still healthy.. galing di ba? akala ko maganda yun.. akala ko that made me better than anyone else.. pero isang malaking sampal sken yung sinabi niya.. "bahala ka nga sa buhay mo, pakamatay ka kung gusto mo.. uminom ka na naman? nakaka-TO ha?!"

ouch. that really hurts like hell..

and then i began to question: do i really wanna die? ano nga bang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko?
gusto ko ba 'to?

and the answers came..

no. hindi ito ang gusto mo.. hindi rin ikaw yan.. ginagawa mo lang lahat yan para tumakas.. para makalimot.. pero hindi mo gusto yan.. pinili mong gawin ang mga bagay na yan para ipakita sa kanila na hindi na ikaw yung mahina at iyaking unaiza.. ginagawa mo yan para patunayan na kaya mo ring sumabay sa agos.. nasaktan ka kasi nang sobra kaya gusto mong ipakita na hindi ka papatalo.. marunong ka rin lumaban.. hindi ka loser.. pwede ka ring maging bad.. gaya ng karamihan..

damn.

bakit nga ba ito ang pinili ko? this is not right.

i miss my old self.. i miss being gentle, being modest, being kind..

ni hindi ko man lang masabi ang salitang 'i love you' ngayon.. kahit sa pamilya ko.. hindi na ako masaya sa buhay na meron ako ngayon.. i wish i could go back to the time when the only people that mattered to me are my parents, my brother, my closest friends, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, and my Lolos and Lolas.. pero syempre hindi na posible yun..

so anong gagawin ko ngayon?

i want a total make-over in my life..

aayusin ko lahat ng dapat ayusin.. tama na ang kahibangang ito.. i've been bad and i didn't like it.. dahil hindi naman talaga ako masama..

hindi ko kelangang sumabay sa agos.. hindi naman ako ganun dati e.. at ayoko ng sumabay pa sa agos.. ayos lang maiwan basta alam kong tama ako..

sabi nga ni sir jim, this is the hardest principle, but this must be our principle: DO THE RIGHT THING.

naging rebelde ako sa sarili ko sa loob ng mahigit isang buwan.. eto ang naging escape ko.. pero tapos na yung stage na yun..

this time, i'm determined to be what God intends me to be..

parang paulit-ulit na yung posts ko.. parang nasabi ko na rin 'to dati..

pero iba na ngayon, because this is going to be the last time that i'll write about my miseries..

last saturday, we were asked to write down 3-7 principles that we want to live by.. and i've listed five..

1. Do the right thing.
2. God first.
3. Less for self, more for others.
4. Never let emotions get in the way.
5. Play to win.

mark this day. from this day on, i'm gonna live by those principles.

alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik yung dating ako.. pero kaya kong ayusin ang buhay ko.. and that's exactly what i'm going to do..

i'll put my heart back together.. i'm gonna pick the pieces of my life.. back to zero ako, start from scratch.. pero hindi naman imposibleng buuin uli ang sarili ko e.. kaya ko 'to.. go aiza! go and touch others' hearts..

this is my song.. and my prayer..

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I want to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within and make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin deep within

everything happens for a reason..

i know i said that i'm not going to blog anymore.. well, let's just say that i was lying then.. writing has been my first love and i guess, truly, first love never dies..

i've been quiet for some time.. and despite the fact that a lot has been happening to me lately, i just couldn't find the motivation to write about them.. i didn't even manage to update my journal.. but today is different.. and today, God reminded me of one thing: the only thing i'm good at is writing and i have to make use of that talent to glorify Him and proclaim how mighty He is..

and today i'm gonna write again.. for today is the start of another chapter in the story of my life..

i woke up at 9 o'clock this morning. i have a class at 11:30 and i should be able to leave the house before 10:30. after saying my prayers and doing my morning rituals, i ate breakfast and took a bath.. i spent around 30 minutes at the table and another 30 minutes [more than, actually] at the shower.. in other words, i wasn't able to leave at the ideal time.. so i had to pay for all the passengers of the tricycle for us to be able to leave.. its already 11:00 and i couldn't wait for another 5 minutes or so.. the most exhausting part in a student's day is the travel time.. in my case, i had to take 1 tricycle ride, and 3 jeepney rides from our house to diliman.. at dahil late na ako, sumakay na lang ako ng toki para mas mabilis akong makarating sa building namin..

i arrived 11:45.. just in time [we have a 15-minute grace period].. and guess what, we don't have classes today.. and we won't have classes until Friday of next week.. Sir Mario won't be available during those days and our next meeting would be on the 4th of December.. great!

but instead of being happy, i ended up disappointed.. i wasted money and effort for nothing.. it was my only class.. what am i going to do? go home? already? had i known of the announcement at an earlier time, i would have stayed at home and concentrated on our thesis..

yeah, patience is a virtue.. and i guess, my patience is being put to test.. again.. we'll have our baptism on Saturday and yes, Satan is just around, tempting me to sin, wanting me to be unholy.. but i won't let him win.. not now.. not ever..

i decided to attend the mass at the UP chapel.. and yes, i felt a lot better.. i felt blessed..

on my way home, there have been temptations again.. testing my patience and endurance again.. believe me, i was already fed up.. konti na lang talaga sasabog na ako.. i was talking to God the whole time, 'please Lord, give me patience.. please..'

and then everything made sense..

i met ate janet [i hope i spelled her name correctly].. she was on the same jeep i was riding.. and we got off at the same place.. sa floodway..

she asked me kung saan ang sakayan ng cubao.. and obviously, mali ang binabaan niya.. nung una sabi ko lang sakay na lang siya uli ng jeep tapos baba siya sa rosario, but God whispered a better idea.. i suggested na sumabay na siya sa akin sa tricycle tapos sasamahan ko na lang siya sa sakayan ng cubao.. she took my offer and i was amazed to know that she is also a believer.. nakakatuwa kasi habang nasa tricycle kame, we were talking about God and what He has done in our lives.. super saglit lang kame nakapag-usap pero nagkaroon ng sense ang buong araw ko.. sa totoo lang, muntik na akong maiyak kanina habang nagkukwento ako sa kanya.. i've been so down lately and kahit na anong pretend ko na ok lang ako, at the end of the day, i still find myself crying.. just last night i cried out to God.. and i told Him how helpless and how depressed i am.. i have so many questions na hanggang ngayon hindi pa nasasagot.. and everyday, kay God lang ako kumukuha ng strength para magpatuloy.. and today, He gave me someone to talk to.. just when i need it most..

ate janet told me that i was her angel and that God will make a way para magkita kame uli..

she hugged me bago siya sumakay ng jeep and although she's technically a stranger, i felt comfort in her arms.. and i believe that my encounter with her was not just an accident.. it was planned by God.. and God has a reason..

habang naglalakad ako pauwi, i can't help but be grateful and for the first time today, i smiled sincerely.. yung ngiting galing talaga sa puso.. it wasn't just a fake smile to hide the pains inside me, i truly felt happiness.. eto siguro yung reward ko for being patient.. buti na lang hindi ako bumigay, hindi ako nagalit.. i remained silent and prayerful.. i didn't let Satan get in the way.. salamat na rin sa guidance ng Holy Spirit..

ate janet has been an angel to me also.. and the friendship that we already have is something i would treasure for the rest of my life.. i know i'll see her again.. in God's time..

why am i telling you about this? ano naman sa inyo kung nakilala ko si ate janet? well, gusto ko lang i-share yung realization ko about this event..

God moves in mysterious ways.. and He is always good.. He knows what's best for us.. and He has plans far better than what we have.. life has so many uncertainties.. marami tayong questions.. marami tayong hindi naiintindihan.. at minsan, masyadong nagiging komplikado ang lahat ng bagay kaya gugustuhin na lang nating sumuko..

sa ngayon, nasa gitna ako ng isang laban.. torn pa rin ako.. broken.. konti na lang kasi susuko na ako.. pero pinipilit ko pa ring lumaban.. everyday, challenge sa akin ang bumangon at magpatuloy.. pero ngayon, higit kailanman, napatunayan kong hindi pa rin natutulog ang Diyos.. at lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay natin, lahat ng nakikilala natin, they are there for a reason.. a reason that only God knows..

last Saturday, na-enlighten na ako sa lecture ni Sir Jim, at ngayon, dahil kay ate janet, mas determinado akong magpatuloy.. yes, i'm gonna play to win..

iiyak pa rin siguro ako kasi nandito pa rin yung sakit, masyadong malalim yung sugat para gumaling ng ganun kabilis lang.. but i know in time, in God's time, i will be healed.. i will be truly okay, and i will be better..

hello world uli! balik blogging na naman ako.. hindi siguro ganun kadalas pero magsusulat pa rin ako.. =)

God bless everyone!

Last note: PUSH! [Pray Until Something Happens]