everything happens for a reason..

i know i said that i'm not going to blog anymore.. well, let's just say that i was lying then.. writing has been my first love and i guess, truly, first love never dies..

i've been quiet for some time.. and despite the fact that a lot has been happening to me lately, i just couldn't find the motivation to write about them.. i didn't even manage to update my journal.. but today is different.. and today, God reminded me of one thing: the only thing i'm good at is writing and i have to make use of that talent to glorify Him and proclaim how mighty He is..

and today i'm gonna write again.. for today is the start of another chapter in the story of my life..

i woke up at 9 o'clock this morning. i have a class at 11:30 and i should be able to leave the house before 10:30. after saying my prayers and doing my morning rituals, i ate breakfast and took a bath.. i spent around 30 minutes at the table and another 30 minutes [more than, actually] at the shower.. in other words, i wasn't able to leave at the ideal time.. so i had to pay for all the passengers of the tricycle for us to be able to leave.. its already 11:00 and i couldn't wait for another 5 minutes or so.. the most exhausting part in a student's day is the travel time.. in my case, i had to take 1 tricycle ride, and 3 jeepney rides from our house to diliman.. at dahil late na ako, sumakay na lang ako ng toki para mas mabilis akong makarating sa building namin..

i arrived 11:45.. just in time [we have a 15-minute grace period].. and guess what, we don't have classes today.. and we won't have classes until Friday of next week.. Sir Mario won't be available during those days and our next meeting would be on the 4th of December.. great!

but instead of being happy, i ended up disappointed.. i wasted money and effort for nothing.. it was my only class.. what am i going to do? go home? already? had i known of the announcement at an earlier time, i would have stayed at home and concentrated on our thesis..

yeah, patience is a virtue.. and i guess, my patience is being put to test.. again.. we'll have our baptism on Saturday and yes, Satan is just around, tempting me to sin, wanting me to be unholy.. but i won't let him win.. not now.. not ever..

i decided to attend the mass at the UP chapel.. and yes, i felt a lot better.. i felt blessed..

on my way home, there have been temptations again.. testing my patience and endurance again.. believe me, i was already fed up.. konti na lang talaga sasabog na ako.. i was talking to God the whole time, 'please Lord, give me patience.. please..'

and then everything made sense..

i met ate janet [i hope i spelled her name correctly].. she was on the same jeep i was riding.. and we got off at the same place.. sa floodway..

she asked me kung saan ang sakayan ng cubao.. and obviously, mali ang binabaan niya.. nung una sabi ko lang sakay na lang siya uli ng jeep tapos baba siya sa rosario, but God whispered a better idea.. i suggested na sumabay na siya sa akin sa tricycle tapos sasamahan ko na lang siya sa sakayan ng cubao.. she took my offer and i was amazed to know that she is also a believer.. nakakatuwa kasi habang nasa tricycle kame, we were talking about God and what He has done in our lives.. super saglit lang kame nakapag-usap pero nagkaroon ng sense ang buong araw ko.. sa totoo lang, muntik na akong maiyak kanina habang nagkukwento ako sa kanya.. i've been so down lately and kahit na anong pretend ko na ok lang ako, at the end of the day, i still find myself crying.. just last night i cried out to God.. and i told Him how helpless and how depressed i am.. i have so many questions na hanggang ngayon hindi pa nasasagot.. and everyday, kay God lang ako kumukuha ng strength para magpatuloy.. and today, He gave me someone to talk to.. just when i need it most..

ate janet told me that i was her angel and that God will make a way para magkita kame uli..

she hugged me bago siya sumakay ng jeep and although she's technically a stranger, i felt comfort in her arms.. and i believe that my encounter with her was not just an accident.. it was planned by God.. and God has a reason..

habang naglalakad ako pauwi, i can't help but be grateful and for the first time today, i smiled sincerely.. yung ngiting galing talaga sa puso.. it wasn't just a fake smile to hide the pains inside me, i truly felt happiness.. eto siguro yung reward ko for being patient.. buti na lang hindi ako bumigay, hindi ako nagalit.. i remained silent and prayerful.. i didn't let Satan get in the way.. salamat na rin sa guidance ng Holy Spirit..

ate janet has been an angel to me also.. and the friendship that we already have is something i would treasure for the rest of my life.. i know i'll see her again.. in God's time..

why am i telling you about this? ano naman sa inyo kung nakilala ko si ate janet? well, gusto ko lang i-share yung realization ko about this event..

God moves in mysterious ways.. and He is always good.. He knows what's best for us.. and He has plans far better than what we have.. life has so many uncertainties.. marami tayong questions.. marami tayong hindi naiintindihan.. at minsan, masyadong nagiging komplikado ang lahat ng bagay kaya gugustuhin na lang nating sumuko..

sa ngayon, nasa gitna ako ng isang laban.. torn pa rin ako.. broken.. konti na lang kasi susuko na ako.. pero pinipilit ko pa ring lumaban.. everyday, challenge sa akin ang bumangon at magpatuloy.. pero ngayon, higit kailanman, napatunayan kong hindi pa rin natutulog ang Diyos.. at lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay natin, lahat ng nakikilala natin, they are there for a reason.. a reason that only God knows..

last Saturday, na-enlighten na ako sa lecture ni Sir Jim, at ngayon, dahil kay ate janet, mas determinado akong magpatuloy.. yes, i'm gonna play to win..

iiyak pa rin siguro ako kasi nandito pa rin yung sakit, masyadong malalim yung sugat para gumaling ng ganun kabilis lang.. but i know in time, in God's time, i will be healed.. i will be truly okay, and i will be better..

hello world uli! balik blogging na naman ako.. hindi siguro ganun kadalas pero magsusulat pa rin ako.. =)

God bless everyone!

Last note: PUSH! [Pray Until Something Happens]

confessions of a broken soul: the last post ever..

october has been the longest month of my life.. it may be hard to believe but i've experienced every emotion in this world in just thirty days.. its the longest and at the same time, the shortest thirty days of my entire existence. i have loved and lost, been happy and sad, laughed and cried, won and been deafeated, succeeded and failed, been there and done that.. i had everything and lost almost everything, if not everything.. in simple terms, I LIVED AND DIED IN THIRTY DAYS.

i don't want to go into details.. there's no need for me to explain everything because i know you won't understand either.. no one will ever be able to understand what i have gone through and am going through right now.. seriously, no one.

i would appreciate it if you would consider me dead, well at least the person that i was. honestly, i feel that i'm in someone else's body, playing somebody else's part. what i have experienced in just one month has turned me into someone i no longer know - a complete stranger.. and now, i'm in a search.. search for who i really am..

sa totoo lang, kilala ko naman ang sarili ko e..alam ko naman kung anong gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko at sa mga tao sa paligid ko.. kaya lang sa ngayon, may mga bagay na hindi ko maunawaan.. i have so many questions in my mind.. in fact, i have nothing but questions in my mind.. bakit ganito? bakit ganyan? sino? kelan? saan? paano? lahat na ng pwedeng itanong.. pero sabi nga, 'the answers will come the moment you stop asking'.. kaya hindi na ako magtatanong.. bahala na.. i'll just continue to believe that everything happens for a reason.. that reason may be unknown but i know someday everything will make perfect sense.. i don't want to question God's wisdom..

i don't know if i'm making sense here.. isa lang naman ang gusto kong mangyari, masabi lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa mga taong mahalaga sken..

this is going to be my last post..sa lahat ng nagbasa ng blog ko, maraming salamat.. sa lahat ng nakaappreciate sken, sobrang thank you..

sabi nga ng kanta, 'i've got to move on and be who i am, i just don't belong here, i hope you understand.. for now, i gotta go my own way'

just last week, i told everyone [thru text] na bumalik na ako sa earth matapos ang aking paglalakbay sa ibang mundo.. unfortunately, or fortunately, i died while trying to come back to where i started..

siguro naguguluhan na kayo, ako rin eh.. hehe.. basta eto na lang isipin nyo, patay na yung dating unaiza.. wala na si unai/aiza..

the next time you see me, ibang tao na yun.. unaiza pa rin pero new & improved na.. parang produkto lang.. pangalan lang ang hindi nagbago pero yung buong pagkatao, iba na..

sa lahat ng taong nasaktan ko, sadya man o hindi, patawad.. sa totoo lang, kung nakasakit man ako, lahat yun hindi ko sinadya.. ayokong masaktan, kaya hindi ko rin ugaling manakit.. yun nga lang, minsan hindi talaga maiwasan.. kasi tao lang ako e.. hindi ako dyosa..

sa lahat ng kaibigan ko - tweet2, westlife sis, elem at highschool repapips, chikka co-interns, basta sa lahat, maraming salamat.. sorry hindi ako nakakapagparamdam.. i've been busy with so many things.. pinapatay ko na nga raw sarili ko sa sobrang dami kong ginagawa e.. pero makakabawi rin ako.. someday..

sa mga ate at kuya ko sa SFC, kasama na sina mommy, daddy, at sistah, at si batchmate sidh, thank you for accepting me, weak and fragile as i am.. i enjoy being with you guys at kahit ano pong mangyari, hindi pa rin ako mawawala sa service..

sa mga anak ko, melai & velle, thank you for never leaving me.. kahit na weak si mommy, nandyan pa rin kayo.. sobrang na-appreciate ko talaga yung presence nyo sa life ko.. girls, blessing kayo sken.. tama, sa pamilya natin, walang sumusuko.. don't wori babies, mommy will be strong.. nandyan kasi kyo.. salamat!

paolo, dreb, din, bez, at ray, super thank you for remembering.. salamat kasi kahit hindi na tayo nagkikita masyado, di pa rin kayo nakakalimot.. sobrang salamat..

jean and jb, thank you sa tiwala.. salamat sa pagturing nyo sken bilang ate nyo.. basta nandito lang ako if ever you need me.. i'm just a text away..

sa pamilya ko, i know marami akong naging pagkukulang sa inyo.. wala po akong maipapangako.. pero gagawin ko lahat para makatulong..

sa'yo, thank you for giving me the best birthday ever! salamat at sorry sa lahat..

again, this is my last post..

paalam na po sa inyo..

i may be weak, sensitive, and emotional.. pero dati yun..

pardon me, but i'll never be the same..

P.S.

just to let you know kung ano ng nangyayari sken, eto buhay naman ako.. at ngayon pa lang ako magpapahinga.. sabi nina papa pinapatay ko na raw sarili ko.. maawa naman daw ako sa katawan ko.. hehe.. sobrang busy kasi.. ilang araw na rin akong walang tulog.. nag-poll clerk pa ako sa dela paz kahapon.. sobrang nakakapagod.. pero ok naman.. ganun pala yun.. after ng election, sasakay kayo sa bagon dala yung ballot boxes.. tapos may escort na mobile ng pulis.. ang cool.. haha..

kidding aside, lahat ng ginagawa ko sa buhay ko ay bahagi ng pagbabago ko sa sarili ko.. siguro escape ko na rin 'to sa lahat ng problema.. i have to keep myself busy para hindi ko masyadong maisip yung mga nangyari..

ayoko ng pag-usapan pa.. at wag na rin sana kayong magtanong.. OK LANG AKO.

i'm fine..

"God is too wise to be mistaken, God is too good to be unkind. So when you don't understand, when you don't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart."

i received this message yesterday, just when i'm about to give up and break down.. let's just say that somehow, this message has saved me.. and i thank velle for sending me this message just when i needed it most..

how can i be totally broken again just when i thought i'm completely healed? why am i dying again? hell! don't i have the right to be happy forever? how long will i suffer? how long?


"..a God of faithfulness and without injustice, good and upright is He.." yan na lang ang paulit-ulit kong kinakanta sa isip ko.. just to convince myself that everything happens for a reason.. that God has a purpose and a better plan.. that after this storm, the sun will rise again and my days will be bright again..

sa ngayon, wala talaga akong naiintindihan.. i have nothing but questions in my mind.. mga tanong na hindi ko pa mahanapan ng sagot.. "why Lord?", that's all i can say.. pero kahit mahirap, although it's killing me, i'm willing to go through this pain.. wala naman kasi akong choice.. i can't escape.. i have nowhere to go.. nowhere to hide.. hindi ko mahanap yung 'mundo'namin.. wala rin siya para ilipad ako sa lugar ng pag-asa.. kaya ko ba 'to? err.. hay.. gusto kong sumigaw.. ayaw magbeat ng heart ko.. ang sakit sobra.. ang gulo..

i'm waiting.. and i'll be waiting.. hanggang sa matapos lahat ng 'to.. hanggang sa magising ako na ok na lahat.. sabi ng green day, 'wake me up when september ends'.. sabi ko naman, 'wake me up when this pain is over'.. i would like to think of this as a bad dream, a nightmare.. magigising din ako.. at sana paggising ko, nandito ka na, ok na lahat, masaya na uli, wala ng problema..

"when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with You above the storm.. Father You are King over the flood, i will be still, know You are God" [kuya don, salamat din dito]

i missed blogging.. when was my last post? may? i dunno.. i've been busy since classes started last june 13 and i rarely had time for the online stuffs.. but because we're required to post blog entries as part of our thesis, i'll take that opportunity to update my online journals..

for my first post for the month of july, i'd like to share some quotes i recently received from friends.. and i would like to have them categorized as follows:

on love..

*may mga bagay na nakalaan sa tao kahit anong mangyari.. pag para sayo talaga yun, makukuha mo.. kaya wag kang mag-alala kung mawala man siya.. di man kayo ngayon, baka nakalaan siya sayo sa tamang panahon*
>>pwede rin namang may ibang nakalaan sken diba? i'll just wait for him.. anyway, in love pa rin naman ako eh.. sa family ko, sa friends, at higit sa lahat, kay God at sa service.. =)

*somebody asked me.. "are you taken?" i answered, "yes, i'm taken.." then i turned around with tears in my eyes as i whispered.. "taken for granted"*
>>awwww.. ehem, nakakarelate ba ako? hehe.. parang "halaga" lang ng parokya ah.. hay.. di na ako bitter no! kunwari lang nagdadrama.. haha..

*if you're in love but afraid to tell the person for some reason, just think: one moment of embarassment? or a lifetime of regret?*
>>umm, ipaparamdam ko na lang sa kanya that he's special.. bahala na what will happen next.. but definitely hindi ako ang manliligaw.. =D

friendship stuffs ..

*kung malungkot ako at kailangan ko ng isang taong magpapasaya sken, pwede ba kitang puntahan at sabihing "pwede, kahit saglit lang, payakap naman?"*
>>fortunately, i don't need to ask that.. i have super good friends who know when i need a hug.. and they would give it without question.. =)

*when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness.. and call it friendship..*
>>haha! yeah, right!

Godly/spiritual/inspirational..

*"What God wants us to do in our hearts is to love the poor. Worship is meaningful only if one hand is up in the air worshipping God and the other hand holding a piece of bread for the poor. GK (Gawad Kalinga) is God's work, and I am very privileged to be part of this." - Bo Sanchez*
>>enough said.

*life's pretty simple.. when you're asking for apples and life hands you lemons, make lemonade. if you're on your way out and it starts to rain, at least you won't have to water the plants anymore. it's a matter of seeing things in perspective. the benefits may not be immediate nor obvious, but you have to know this for sure: God will never give you anything you can't handle, nothing you can't triumph over.. there will be problems, there will be struggles.. but if they're not there, how would you know how strong you are?*
>>TRUE!

life, hurt, and some more..

*psychology speaks: "it's not what people do to us that hurts us. in the most fundamental sense, it's our chosen response to what they do to us that hurts us."*
>>yeah, i guess i can agree to this..

*i met him at the time when i really needed someone to help me overcome the pain i was feeling.. he stood by me all along.. then after all that happened, i suddenly thought of this: he helped me forget my sad story.. and yet, he started another one..*
>>ehem.. sapul na naman ba ako? parang si peter pan ba 'to? haha.. hay.. hindi naman ako sad ah..maybe i'm just missing him.. c'mon! haha.. tamang drama ka unaiza.. tama na yan! thesis mode ka na dapat.. =D wala lang.. syempre naisip ko na si peter pan.. i was reading his text messages a while ago and na-realize ko, sya nga talaga si peter pan ko.. kaso lang hindi ako si wendy.. pero ok lang.. ayoko na nga.. thesis mode na uli.. hehe..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

next topic: action speaks louder than words..

i realized recently that indeed, it's not important how many times you say 'i love you' to someone you love , and it really doesn't matter how sweetly you deliver that line.. what's more essential is that you do concrete actions to prove the sincerity of your words..

it goes the same for your dreams, and for everything else in life.. don't just say something, DO IT!

why and how did i come about this realization? blame him.. he was responsible for it.. and honestly, i thank him for that..

he could hardly believe that i've moved on and have finally let go.. but it all started with him.. he was the one who told me to find my new charger.. he doesn't want me to depend on him anymore.. and that's just what i did! but now that i'm finally healed, he was like "how did you that?".. at eto pa, nawindang talaga ako.. sa kanya daw ang salita, sken ang gawa.. in other words, hanggang salita lang siya.. at sinabi pa niyang hindi daw niya ata kayang gawin yung ginawa ko.. ngayon lang naging clear sken ang lahat.. yes, hanggang salita nga lang talaga siya.. and even in loving, hanggang dun lang ang kaya niya.. somehow, natuwa ako kasi at least i know for myself na kaya kong magmahal nang totoo.. i just don't say 'i love you'..pinapakita ko rin sa gawa..

haha.. hindi po kita inaaway, kung sino ka man.. pero salamat.. because of you, mas lalo kong naintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng 'pagmamahal'.. sana in God's time, matutunan mo rin yun..

that will be all .. hanggang sa muling pagdaldal.. goodluck sa lahat ng thesis mode din ngayon.. God bless everyone! =)

nothing good about goodbye.. the real one..

for the last time, i was able to spend lunch with my fellow interns.. i'll surely miss those guys.. i do love them.. my internship wouldn't be this sweet and fun had i not spend it with them..

i really hate the thought that i'll be leaving the company in less than 4 hours.. i really had a great time.. i swear!

and so, before i leave, let me tell you how great my co-interns are.. and by the way, please feel free to visit our summer blog in case you want to know what we've been doing the previous month..

here's the link: http://summer2007.wordpress.com/tag/chikka_16326

the chikka interns..

*sabz - he's our leader.. siya ang bumuo ng chikka intern-national community.. ang responsible sa paghahanap ng venue para sa lunch namin.. sobrang bait..

*julian - can't say much about this guy.. basta this week, 8:10 siya laging dumadating.. tambay sa batcave.. at mahilig mag-forward ng mga katatawanan..

*doy - grabe, ang hyper niya kahapon.. for some reason.. ewan, kape ate.. basta sobrang kulit niyang kausap sa ym.. rich kid pero sobrang easy to get along with..

*harley - well, sorry naman hanggang july pa siya sa chikka.. umm, one time nagdala siya ng isang box na kitkat at pinamigay lang niya yun samen.. grabe, sobrang generous..

*richard - pinakamaraming nabasa dun sa doctoral thesis at malamang he also got the highest score sa quiz namin.. mukhang tahimik at seryoso pero sobrang kalog din..

*bert - basahin niyo na lang comment ko sa kanya.. grabe, lakas-tama talaga ang batang ito.. ibang level ang energy.. hehe..
siya rin ang tga-bati namin ng 'good morning' at supplier ng daily jokes..

*jem - hindi raw nagsasalita sabi ni sabz.. hehe.. tahimik lang nung una pero nahawa rin sa kakulitan ni bert.. sobrang dami niyang requirements sa school.. ang arte pala sa ue.. bukod sa hardcopy, kelangan pa ng softcopy.. hehe.. syempre siniraan ko pa ang school niya.. peace!

err.. hindi ko na matuloy.. someone needs my help..

basta happy and sad ako na end na ng internship ko dito sa chikka..

hay.. i just hope they'll give me a chance to work here after i graduate.. yun lang.. God bless everyone! =)

there's nothing good about goodbye

today's the last day of my internship here in chikka and i'm partly sad, partly happy..

chikka had been my second home for the months of april and may.. more than a month din akong nagstay dito, and i swear, i really enjoyed my stay..

i was thinking of having an extension but my body doesn't want to.. sobrang ngarag na rin kasi ako e..

i need to rest for at least a week before the start of classes.. magiging madugo na rin kasi yung sem na 'to for me.. yeah, time for thesis at very crucial tlaga yun so i should be well-prepared..

umm, marami akong iniisip.. marami rin ata akong nararamdaman.. di ko alam..

i wanted to take things one at a time pero bakit parang sabay-sabay ata ang mga pangyayari.. cge, i'll try my best to organize my thoughts.. let's start from last night..

yesterday, nagpost ako ng isang 'happy post'.. because i was really happy then.. ok naman ako hanggang pagdating ko sa bahay e.. ka-txt si kuya ian, kuya don, ruthie.. ok lahat..

pero..

we had our regular music min practice..

hmmm... ayokong dumaldal.. basta..

alam na ni kuya pip yun..

err.. hindi ko na alam kung anong kasunod..

nonsense post..

later na nga lang uli.. pag naisip ko na kung anong sasabihin ko..

broken.. no more..

~*Those who thank God even in trials turn burden into blessings. So keep your faith close to your heart and God shall provide the comfort you need.*~

kung gaano ako kabadtrip kahapon, ganun na lang ako kasaya ngayon.. haha!

yeah, i'm happy.. i guess i woke up on the right side of the bed.. =D

para malaman nyo kung gano ako kabadtrip kahapon, here's an excerpt of what i've written para sana sa blog ko..

***
i hate this day.. nothing went right.. well, it's good that i was able to finish my task and that i'm done with the testing, but still, in general, i didn't have a good day..

i arrived two minutes late for the 8-5 shift so i have to be in the office until 6pm if i want to get the full daily allowance.. and yes, i chose to stay.. that money would mean a lot ,i swear! and i can't just take it for granted..

hell is listening to emo songs.. i hate emo but i love secondhand serenade, i love dashboard, i love dishwalla.. true enough, there's a certain pleasure in pain.. and now that i'm hearing that damn "every little thing" by dishwalla, it makes me feel broken, depressed, sad.. but at the same time, hopeful.. hopeful that someday, someone would sing me that song.. 'wish i could be every little thing you wanted..' and hell again, lifehouse! ...'you're all i want, you're all i need.. everything, everything..'

yeah, chai's right.. i can't move on by listening to these darn emo songs.. to hell with emo! but how can i ever stop myself from loving them? all i've been wanting to hear is emo..
***

see? obvious naman sigurong yesterday was a bad day for me.. hindi lang yun, nasira pa PC ko.. for some reason, bigla na lang siyang namamatay.. grabe talaga.. at dahil 6pm na ako umuwi, mahirap ng sumakay, traffic pa.. past 7 na ako nakarating sa bahay.. at hindi pa good news ang sumalubong sken.. at may natanggap pa akong text message na lalong nagpainit sa ulo ko.. i swear, nakakarindi talaga.. sa lahat kasi ng ayaw ko e yung sasabihin mo sken kung anong dapat kong maramdaman.. utang na loob naman, pati ba naman emotions ko pakikialaman pa.. err.. i don't wanna talk about it anymore.. mga walang kwentang bagay..

anyway, change topic..

so, why am i happy?

una sa lahat, ngayong araw lang ako nagising na walang new message sa phone ko.. masaya ba yun? hehe.. well, actually sad kasi walang nakaalala sken pero ok lang.. =)

i started the day right.. syempre prayer muna.. well, ganun naman ako everyday.. ewan ko ba, di talaga maiwasan ang mga hindi magagandang araw..

at ano nga bang nangyari? well, hindi ako matagal na naghintay ng masasakyan kanina.. buti na lang mapalad ako ngayong araw.. at umabot pa ako sa 8-5 na shift.. ibig sabihin, makakauwi ako ng 5pm mamaya..yey! yun pa lang, masaya na ako e..

pagdating ko rito, sira pa rin ang pc ko..so i had to report it to zer, our supervisor, who called the attention of the tech support..

after x minutes, kuya jojo arrived..

ayun, may ilang bagay siyang ginawa at ayun nga, na-experience nya rin ang topak ng pc ko..

after a while, he decided to restore the system..

good thing it worked.. and now, ok na uli PC ko.. yey! =)

that's the first good thing.. what's next? well, wala lang naman, nakatxt ko lang naman ang isa sa mga taong super miss ko na.. si ruthie! grabe, sa wakas, nag-abot din kame ng sis kong yun..

syempre chikka galore.. kaso lang nasa byahe sya and i had to do something na rin kaya natigil na kme.. later na lang uli.. =)

yeah, when it rains, it pours tlaga.. kahapon, inulan ako ng mga hindi kanais-nais na pangyayari, pero ngayon, good things naman ang bumubuhos.. hay.. i guess that's just the way life goes..

another good news: i'm done with almost everything.. actually, with everything.. =)

done with the setup, testing, queries, unistats.. ok na lahat.. kaya for the rest of the day, eto lang ang gagawin ko.. dumaldal sa blog..

for the meantime, eto na muna, later na lang uli.. lunch muna ako.. =)

God bless everyone!

it's so nice to be happy.. =D

current song playing on my mind: "I'll worship at Your throne, whisper my own love song.. with all my heart I'll sing, for You my Dad and King.. I'll live for all my days, to put a smile on Your face.. and when we finally meet, it'll be for eternity.."

when love and hate collide

can't stop the hurt inside..

how can i love and hate a person and a song all at at the same time?

i don't know what's gotten in to me.. last night i acted so badly.. just because of one song.. what's with 'your love' that makes me cry and break down?

i love that song.. i really do.. but in times like these, i hate it..

chai, you're right.. something hurts but i don't know where it is.. and i don't know how to ease the pain, heal the wounds, and get over it..

i spent my time looking for a perfect song to describe what i'm feeling today and why i broke down last night.. and i found not only one..

i'm not sure if i have mentioned this before.. but i have a new love.. secondhand serenade..

emo/rock/acoustic.. that's how he describes his music.. yes, secondhand serenade is composed of only one member.. john vesely..

and his story is really amazing.. i wish to have a lifetime partner like him.. someone who can sing me songs of love written with sincerity.. songs which came from the heart.. songs which not only contain words, but emotions..

why secondhand serenade?

"It's everything I would want in a band name and more. It basically sums up what I do. I write my songs about events and feelings that occur in my life, and I sing the songs to my wife. Everyone else gets the Secondhand Serenade." - John Vesely

isn't he sweet? i swear, he's really good.. and he hits me with his songs..

for more info, visit his myspace page: http://myspace.com/secondhandserenade

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know that I hate this song
Because it was written for you
*I Hate this Song, Secondhand Serenade

And someday, I promise I'll be gone
And someday, I might even sing this song
To you, I might even sing this song, to you
and I was crying alone tonight
and I was wasting all of my life just thinking of you
So just come back we'll make it better
So Just come back I'll make it
better than it ever was
*Maybe, Secondhand Serenade

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
*It's not Over, Secondhand Serenade

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
.....
And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breathe, it is dear. So please stay near.
*Awake, Secondhand Serenade

Take me with you
I will never let you down
I will love you now and forever
*Take me With You, Secondhand Serenade

I wish my life was this song
cause songs they never die
I could write for years and years
and never have to cry
*The Last Song Ever, Secondhand Serenade

I'll hold you closer and tell you I love you
but it won't matter in the end
It's obvious you're leaving soon
just another heart to mend
So what happens once you lose control?
When the future has to start
What happens when you're still in love
but time rips you apart.
Is there ever an answer
for when love is not enough?
*End, Secondhand Serenade

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,
don't tell me I will make it on my own,
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies
if you leave me tonight
.....
I'm not the only one for you
but you're the only one for me
*Stay Close Don't Go, Secondhand Serenade

I never wanted anything the way that I want you
But my words dont seem to matter
*Tested and True, Secondhand Serenade

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
*Your Guardian Angel, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

You're the only one I turn to
When I feel like no one's there
And when I'm lonely in my darkest hour
You give me the power
To sit and pretend
*Damn Regret, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

not related..

"if someone you love hurts you.. it's fine to cry a river.. just make sure you don't forget to drown the idiot in it.." <<--haha! thanks for this message leyn! i love it!

jaded

MOOD SONG:

BAD DAY

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TICKLE TEST RESULT: WHAT's BEHIND YOUR EMOTION

Your strongest belief is honesty. 48% of test takers also hold honesty as an important value in life.

Because of your uncompromisingly honest nature, you generally feel most fulfilled when you can fully share your thoughts and feelings, good or bad.

People likely come to you when they need a forthright opinion because they know you are brave enough to tell your version of the truth, and you enjoy being around people who are forthcoming with their thoughts and opinions as well. Those around you have come to expect that you will generally "tell it like it is." You may feel that any untruth, even a little white lie, will lead to more harm than good. Your emotional intolerance for dishonesty — in yourself and others — makes you a highly trustworthy person.

*************************************************************************************

i really don't know if i agree to this result or not..my mind's not functioning well.. i'm jaded..

killing time again..

i was a bit emotional in my last post.. and i don't want to end the day with sadness and disappointment.. so i decided to indulge myself to my first love - music..

and what i got for today was some dose of real romantic, heartwarming and touching songs from 'the fray'.. yes, i'm addicted to them now.. good thing i was able to recover from my 'your love' sickness.. and i am now addicted to a new flavor, 'the fray' songs..

however, i'm not that fortunate to hear the songs because we don't have speakers here, you know, we're just interns.. =) but browsing through the lyrics is really good enough..

i swear, i felt love again.. and it feels so right.. i just content myself with daydreaming.. hearing him singing those wonderful songs to me.. oh God, nothing could be much sweeter than that..

oops, before posting the lyrics, i just want to share this bulletin post.. read on.. i swear, i agree to everything that's written.. =)

****************************************
every girl dreams that one day she will
find a boy that does these things for
her. even the smallest action can have
the BIGGEST impact in someone's life.


• give her one of your t-shirts to
sleep in.

• leave her cute text notes.

• kiss her in front of your friends.

• tell her she looks beautiful.

• look into her eyes when you talk to
her.

• let her mess with your hair.

• touch her hair.

• just walk around with her.

• forgive her for her mistakes.

• look at her like she`s the only girl
you see.

• tickle her even when she says stop.

• hold her hand when you`re around your
friends.

• when she starts swearing at you, tell
her you love her.

• let her fall asleep in your arms.

• get her mad, then kiss her.

• tease her and let her tease you back.

• stay up all night with her when she`s
sick.

• watch her favorite movie with her.

• kiss her forehead.

• give her the world.

• write her letters.

• let her wear your clothes.

• when she`s sad, hang out with her.

• let her know she`s important.

• let her take all the photos she wants
of you.

• kiss her in the pouring rain.

• when you fall in love with her, tell
her.

• and when you tell her, love her like
you`ve never loved someone before.

*********************************************

and now, the lyrics..

err, naiiyak na naman ako.. bakit ba? ano bang problema mo unaiza?! hay.. i wanna go home.. and lock myself in my room.. i'm trying to be ok but i can't.. c'mon girl, what's wrong?

hay.. ganito ata talaga pag stressed ka physically, mentally, and emotionally.. good thing i'm not having problems with my spiritual life.. anyway.. here are the lyrics.. for real..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALL AT ONCE (refer to the bold lines.. they're the ones that hit me)

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEAVEN FORBID (i really like this one.. i mean really..)

Twenty years it's breaking you down, now that you understand there's no one around.
Take a breath, just take a seat, you're falling apart and tearing at the seams.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It's on your face, is it on your mind, would you care to build a house of your own.
How much longer, how long can you wait, It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It feels good. Is that reason enough for you.
It feels good. Is that reason enough for you.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Out of this one
Don't know how to get you out of this one, don't know how to get you out of this one,
Don't know how to get you out of this one, don't know how to get you out of this one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HUNDRED (for some reason, this song hits me too..)

The how I can't recall
But I'm staring at what once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet amidst the broad daylight

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
So this is where you are, and this is where I've been
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOOK AFTER YOU (this is really beautiful)

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you, won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
After You
Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

You are so beautiful to me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
next time na lang yung iba.. it's already 6 and i'm dying to go home.. i swear..

lies vs. secrets (the title doesn't say much about the content)

kasalanan ang magsinungaling di ba?

kasalanan din ba ang paglilihim?

hindi naman pagsisinungaling yun kasi wala ka namang sinabi e..

pero pa'no kung nagtanong? tapos hindi mo sinabi yung totoo?

kasalanan na yun di ba? kasi somehow, nagsinungaling ka na rin..

and that's what i don't want to happen.. as much as possible, gagawin ko kung anong tama at kung anong dapat..

in other words, sinabi ko kung anong totoo..

and what did i get from not hiding the truth?

eto.. almost grounded na rin..

ayoko pa naman sa lahat yung maraming sinasabi.. and alam nila yun..

pero yung nangyari kagabi.. iba.. God knows kung ga'no kasama ang loob ko..

at sa inis ko nga, parang nasagot ko na rin siya e.. hindi naman kami nagsigawan, pero pakiramdam ko, kung ako yung nasa kalagayan niya, masasaktan ako sa mga sinabi ko..

pero hindi ko pa magawang mag-sorry.. kasi masama pa rin ang loob ko e..

i talked to God.. nagkulong kasi ako sa kwarto para mailabas yung hindi magandang nararamdaman ko..

hindi mawala sa isip ko yung isang bahagi ng pag-uusap namin...

"tingnan mo nga yang katawan mo.."

"nakikita ko, hindi ako bulag.."

"ano bang mangyayari kung hindi ka pupunta dun?

sinong kasama po pauwi? sino naman yun?

'yan ang hirap pag sobrang tiwala e

may pasok ka pa bukas.. anong oras na matatapos yun?"

"..sabihin mo na lang kung ayaw mo akong papuntahin.."

gusto ko siyang intindihin.. gusto lang niya akong protektahan..

pero hindi ko pa rin maunawaan e.. basta ang alam ko, gusto ko yung ginagawa ko.. wala na sken yung nangyari before.. besides, hindi naman ako sumali sa community para lang sa kanila (i'm talking about the members).. sumali ako kasi gusto ko.. more than anything else, si God ang primary reason ng pagsali ko..wala akong pakialam kung anong ginagawa ng mga kasama ko.. hindi rin mahalaga sa akin kung minsan nagkakaroon ng mga hindi magandang pangyayari..

masama ba ako?

hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa kayang mag-sorry..

mamaya siguro.. bahala na..

ngayon tuloy parang nag-iisip na akong maglihim na lang kung sakali mang may hindi na naman magandang nangyari.. hay..

buti na lang nakausap ko siya kagabi.. hindi ko man nasabi sa kanya yung nangyari, alam kong naramdaman niyang may pinoproblema ako.. siya nga ata yung sumalo ng pagka-badtrip ko e.. pero na-realize ko naman yun kaya bumawi ako agad.. unfair naman kung sa kanya ako magagalit.. wala naman siyang alam..

if not for him, my day would have ended badly.. super bad mood talaga.. pero today's a new day.. medyo sad pa rin ang mood ko kasi hindi pa kami ok.. pero sana maayos na..

magtatrabaho muna ako.. habang pinag-iisipan ang ilang bagay..

sabi ni Bob Ong, "hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan ito.. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan.."

i almost died last sunday.. lessons on appreciating God's countless blessings..

10:15 PM 4/30/2007

i can't carry on anymore.. i'll continue with this blog entry tomorrow morning..

just a quick overview: this post will contain my experiences during our Lord's Day and Fellowship in Batangas, my recent realizations, and text messages which have touched my heart in one way or another..

'til tomorrow..

1:45 PM 5/1/2007

i woke up at 10am today to watch detective conan.. i really love that show.. i'm learning a lot.. and here's one of the things he (conan/sinichi) said na talaga namang tumatak sa isip ko:
"walang tama o maling deduksyon, dahil isa lang ang katotohanan.."

anyway, eto na yung continuation ng story ko.. by the way, just a warning, this is going to be a long post.. marami kasi akong sasabihin.. let me start with what happened last saturday..

may nagawa na akong post last sunday kaso lang i wasn't able to finish it kasi sobrang sleepy na talaga ako.. plus the fact that i have to be up by 6:00am the following day for my internship..

after the long introduction, eto na talaga.. =)

on saturday morning, i went to manila to have lunch with him.. ayoko ng magbigay ng details about it.. amin na lang yun.. but i was happy to see him again.. i missed him a lot kahit na almost every night ko siyang kausap.. i left at around 3pm to prepare for our Lord's Day and Fellowship/Outing sa Batangas.. super excited ako pumunta sa beach.. sabi nga ni binoy, romantic daw yung setting.. well, it's not really that.. what i'm looking forward to is the serene ambiance that only nature could provide.. and for some reason, i have always believed that the sea could heal a broken soul.. and yes, i think i am broken..

when i got home, i packed my things up, took a quick shower, and hurried to rosario to help in the preparation for the Lord's Day ceremony..

hindi ko na sasabihin pa yung details kasi may mga hindi magandang nangyari.. may mga sinumpong, kaya medyo nagkaroon ng tensiyon..

anyway, naging masaya naman yung gabi namin lalo na nung praisefest.. lahat kasi ng kinanta, gusto ko.. especially yung 'heaven is here..'

after the Lord's Day, nag-prepare na kami para sa pagpunta sa Batangas.. while waiting for the other members, pumunta muna kami sa 711 para bumili ng iba pang kelangan.. at syempre i had to call my family at siya na rin..

nakakatuwa kasi dun sa 711, nagpa-picture pa kami.. batch namin at si kuya rap.. nung magbabayad na ako, sabi nung guy dun sa counter, "siguro ma'am ikaw yung pinakamaganda dun.." haha! natawa talaga ako.. kamusta naman? napansin pa niya ako.. ayun.. so bumalik na kami sa jeep.. at naghintay..
napag-usapan na namin ng isang brother na tabi kami kasi may dala akong pillow, kaso lang pinaghiwalay yung babae at lalaki para raw magkaroon ng bonding yung sisters at brothers.. so ganun na nga..

dumating kami sa lemery around 3am.. konting pahinga lang sa bahay nina bea tapos tumuloy na sa beach..

i wasn't feeling well at that time kasi sobrang inaantok pa ako.. kaso lang excited ang lahat na abangan ang pagsikat ng araw..

around 5am, may dumating na banca.. at nag-alok si manong ng boating hanggang sa coral reefs.. at syempre, sumama ako..

i was with ate ive, ate glenda, karen, jhoy, and tin.. nakakatuwa kasi sobrang layo ng narating namin.. at sobrang na-enjoy namin yung view.. personally, i was satisfied with that trip..

when we reached the farthest point that we could get to, we shouted at the top of our lungs.. wala lang.. para lang ma-release lahat ng dala-dala naming excess baggage..

i wanted to cry there but no, nature is so beautiful to enjoy.. walang lugar ang pag-iyak.. at that time and place, i felt nothing but gratitude for such a wonderful world.. ang sarap ng feeling.. it's a different kind of freedom.. and i've proven that indeed, the sea could heal my broken soul..

tama si binoy, sobrang romantic ng setting.. kaso lang i was with the sisters.. i wish i was with him.. with tweet2, with my family.. and isa yun sa goals ko.. someday, makakasama ko rin ang mga taong pinakamamahal ko sa gitna ng dagat.. but it doesn't mean na hindi ko na-enjoy yung moment na yun..
no, i was very happy at that time.. at mas na-appreciate ko yung sisters habang kasama ko sila..

and what's even more amazing is the fact that we're able to witness the sunrise.. and it feels so good to travel along the path of the light of the sun.. sakto talaga.. i swear, sobrang perfect ng moment na yun.. sayang nga lang wala kaming dalang camera.. but that moment will be forever in my heart.. i don't know how to explain what i felt upon seeing the sun shining and smiling on me.. basta ang alam ko lang, we believed and we claimed that something wonderful is going to happen.. for us, it was a miracle.. at thankful kami kasi alam naming hindi magtatagal, makakamit na rin namin yung mga matagal na naming pinapangarap at pinagdarasal..

after the boating, naglakad naman kami sa shore.. at dun na kami nag-bond nang husto ni ate glenda..

pagbalik namin, inenjoy naman namin ang dagat.. kaso lang may hindi magandang nangyari.. as the title of this post says, i almost died.. exagg nga siguro pero yun kasi yung naramdaman ko e.. seconds lang yun but it seemed forever to me.. that situation reminded me of the people i love the most.. i only thought of 4 people.. kung sino sila, hindi na mahalaga.. basta alam kong sila ang dahilan kung bakit ayoko pang lisanin ang mundong ito..

salamat kay kuya mer at ate yet na tumulong sken.. wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi ang umiyak.. sobrang natakot talaga ako.. i was traumatized.. feeling ko its already my end.. hindi ko na nga alam kung sino2 yung lumapit at yumakap sken pero salamat sa kanila.. their hugs meant a lot.. i wanted to call my parents.. i wanted to call him.. i just needed a hug.. that's all..

sakto namang oras na ng breakfast and everyone was busy preparing the food, except for those who tried to comfort me.. i tried to be okay.. kaso lang i'm still not over the situation.. ang sakit sa dibdib.. ang tindi talaga ng nerbiyos ko.. i did nothing but cry to release the tension and the trauma that i feel..
pero hindi pa rin talaga.. nilapitan na ako ni sidh para patahanin.. i won't forget how he tried to comfort me by treating me like a baby.. sabi niya kain na raw muna kami.. mamaya raw swimming uli kami.. i was like, "awww.. that was so sweet.." i wanted to hug him but i don't have the strength to stand and face them.. tapos tinanong ako ni ate glenda kung gusto ko raw bang maglakad.. i said yes because i thought that's the best thing i could do.. lumayo muna.. nakahanap kami ng perfect spot para umupo at mag-relax.. na-appreciate ko talaga yung ginawa ni ate glenda.. she just let me cry my heart out.. release the tension.. and regain my composure.. she just listened.. she cared..

nasabi ko na sa kanya halos lahat ng pwede kong ikwento.. tungkol sa taong patuloy kong minamahal.. sa pamilya ko.. at nakinig lang siya..

honestly, that near-death experience has taught me to appreciate my brothers and sisters more.. especially those who really cared.. si kuya mer, si ate yet, si sidh, at si ate glenda.. pati na rin yung lumapit para i-hug ako.. isa na ata dun si bea..

i really didn't expect those people to show such concern.. lalo na si sidh.. he's a nice guy pero may mga times na suplado siya sken.. but i was surprised with what he did and i appreciate that.. there are only two guys who have treated me that way.. leonard and sidh..

hindi ko matandaan kung na-mention ko na yun before.. pero just so you know, i lost my USB last march.. at sa sobrang sama ng loob ko kasi sobrang importante nun sken, nag-text ako kay leonard para sabihing tumawag siya.. upon hearing his voice, i immediately cried.. crying shoulder ko kasi talaga siya ever since i came to know him.. and what he said really melted my heart.. sabi niya "wag ka ng umiyak.. 'yaan mo, bibili tayo ng bagong USB.." what i felt then was the same feeling that i had last sunday upon hearing almost the same words from sidh.. different situations but same manner of trying to comfort me..

lalo pa akong na-overwhelm kasi nung bumalik kami ni ate glenda, tumawag si papa at nangangamusta.. naiyak na naman ako uli pero hindi ko na sinabi sa kanya yung nangyari para di na siya mag-alala pa..

bumalik pa rin naman ako sa tubig pero sandali na lang at kasama ko na sina kuya mike at kuya toto na tinatawag akong 'bunso..'

bago kami umuwi, dumaan muna kami sa taal church.. and again, umiyak na naman ako..

on our way home, si kuya mike, kuya ron, jan, at yun bag ni sidh ang naging tulugan ko..

pagdating ko sa bahay, hindi ko naitago kay mama yung nangyari kasi naramdaman din niya.. nagising daw siya nung oras na yun kasi nananaginip siya and when she woke up, she was already crying.. she can't remember her dream pero nagising lang siya kasi napagod na siya kakaiyak.. when she heard the story, syempre nagalit siya.. hindi raw dapat nangyari yun.. mahirap daw talaga yung sobrang tiwala.. i begged her not to tell papa about it.. kasi baka sabihin niyang umalis na ako sa community, which i never want to do.. alam ko namang hindi intentional yun e.. it was just an accident..

after kumain, at gumawa ng progress report for my internship blog, natulog na ako.. hindi ko na talaga kayang pumunta pa kina ronald para batiin siya ng 'happy birthday' at mag-sorry sa hindi ko pag-attend ng party niya nung saturday.. i texted him and told him that i can't blame him kung nagtatampo siya sken pero sana maintindihan niya..

the next morning, which was yesterday, i forced myself to wake up and prepare for my ojt.. tinanong ako ni mama kung ok na ba ako.. syempre medyo hindi pa.. parang ang bigat pa ng katawan ko.. dala na rin ng nerbiyos, puyat, at pagod sa biyahe.. but i have to be in the office.. kaya pinilit ko pa rin.. naisip ko wala namang pasok ngayon kaya pwede akong bumawi..

last night, he called.. pero before that, tumawag na rin si ronald.. and i'm glad na ok na kami.. bestfriend ko siya since elementary kaya naman masaya akong hindi na siya galit.. sobrang love ko rin yun and i never want to fail him.. it's just that nauna na akong nag-commit sa SFC.. pero yun, thank God nagkaayos na kami..

so, yun nga, tumawag din si leonard.. at syempre, hindi ko rin nadeny sa kanya yung nangyari.. as expected, hindi niya nagustuhan.. e medyo war freak talaga yun e.. parang si papa rin.. sabi niya, iwan ko na raw ang SFC.. lagi na lang daw akong umiiyak.. (alam din niya yung nangyari nung birthday ni kuya tj).. pero sabi ko nga, tapos na yun.. naiyak ko na.. nag-sorry na yung tao.. ok na ako.. hindi pa rin siya convinced and he's insisting a revenge.. tipong "hindi pwedeng ganun na lang yun.. pa'no kung hindi ka na-save, maibabalik ba ng sorry nya yung buhay mo if ever something worse happened? anong gusto mo, magpasalamat sa kanya for risking your life?" alam ko namang ganun na talaga magiging reaction niya.. protective din kasi yun eh.. pero syempre, ako pa rin naman ang magdedecide kung anong gusto kong gawin.. and i have decided to forgive and forget.. sabi niya sken, akala pa naman daw niya magagandang bagay ang ikukwento ko.. sobrang excited ko pa raw tapos iiyak lang pala ako.. nag-sorry ako sa kanya for not being able to buy balisong.. nakatulog kasi ako sa biyahe.. sa tagaytay na ako nagising.. natuwa lang ako sa sinabi niya na muntik na nga raw akong hindi nakabalik, pasalubong pa rin ang iniisip ko.. hehe.. syempre naman, takot ako sa kanya e.. at gaya ng inaasahan ko, pinagsabihan niya rin ako.. na may mali rin daw ako.. dapat daw hindi ako masyadong nagtitiwala.. yun din ang sinabi ni mama.. at malamang, yun din ang sasabihin ni papa.. sabi pa niya mas okay raw sana kung bloopers na lang yung nakwento ko.. mga tipong pwedeng ipalabas sa bitoy's funniest videos.. kaso lang walang ganun e..

ang dami ko na palang nasabi.. pero basta ang importante, na-appreciate ko yung nature, na-appreciate ko yung mga taong nagmamahal, at na-realize kong i have to be strong and i have to survive para sa mga taong mahal ko.. pamilya ko, si leonard, mga kaibigan, at mga tunay na nagmamahal at nagpapahalaga sken..

and of course, i appreciate life now more than ever.. sabi nga ni leonard, baka nga raw yun na yung miracle ko.. sort of 2nd life na rin.. hindi nga siguro ganun kadelikado yung nangyari pero kasi ganun yung naramdaman ko e.. sobrang big deal siya for me.. and i realized, i could die anytime.. and i have to be always prepared for it.. kaya while i'm still blessed to be alive, dapat wala akong sayanging panahon at pagkakataon.. dapat lagi kong ipaalam sa mga taong mahalaga sken na mahal ko sila.. at dapat din, ipakita ko yung appreciation ko sa mga taong nakakagawa ng kabutihan sken..

one last, happy ako sa mga natatanggap kong comments from people i don't know.. lalo na sa mga taong nag-rereact sa blog ko sa facebox (netlog na ngayon).. to soul_hunter, and to the pakistani guy, thank you so much! =)

i'm afraid i have to end this post here.. i still have some other things to do for chikka..

wala lang, bago ko tapusin 'to, gusto ko lang sabihin na ka-txt ko si kuya delmer ngayon.. at sabi niya, na-miss daw niya yung bonding nung sunday.. sana raw hindi na natapos ang araw na yun.. well, ako rin.. despite the not-so-good things that happened, sobrang special pa rin ng araw na yun.. at happy rin ako to be able to bond with them.. sa uulitin..

i'd like to end this post with a beautiful message from bernard.. thanks dude!

~*never regret a day in your life.. good days give you happiness, bad days teach you experience.. both are essential to life.. all are God's blessings..*~

good day and God bless everyone! *hug* =)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the following are my journal entries which i wasn't able to post in my blogs.. read on if you still have time.. the text messages are beautiful.. =)

8:03 PM 4/29/07 *this is the post i was talking about..*

before anything else, i would like share the following quotes i recently received from my good friends..
i don't have that much space in my inbox that's why i have to erase text messages regularly.. and today is my schedule of deletion.

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES:
oftentimes, we need to pray not because we need to change the situation, but primarily because we need God to change our attitude towards the situation.

every moment we waste with anger and worries are moments of happiness we steal from ourselves. there's never been a day or night that God didn't remember you, not a moment that He didn't watch over you, never a time He didn't protect you, because God loves you.

it's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.

it's hard to wait around for something that you know will never happen, but it's harder to stop when you know it's everything you've always wanted.

the starting point of maturity is the realization that "no one is coming to the rescue." everything you are or ever will be is entirely up to you.

it's not one great deed that defines who you are. it's the little good things you do to others day by day that counts. carry on! others may not notice but God does.

LOVE QUOTES:
there are things you can't see but you choose to believe..reasons you have but you can't explain.. mistakes you can't bring yourself and a love so questionable but you still choose to fight for.

if your heart gets broken, don't be bitter.. don't turn your back on love.. just keep on trying.. because there is no better remedy for love but to love again.

LOVE..
it means trusting yourself with someone who has seen you at your worst and loves you anyway..
it means teasing each other and laughing at inside jokes nobody but only the two of you understand..
it means feeling safe enough to talk about anything and having the patience to work out disagreements..
it means counting on someone who sympathizes when you had a bad day, worries about you when you're gone too long, and always welcomes you with open arms no matter what.

loving many people all at the same time is like eating candies with different flavors.. it's fun because you get to taste all of them.. but once you're done, and when they're all gone, can you tell which candy was the sweetest? stop fooling around.. learn how to let things go.. know that you cannot have everything.. stick with someone who makes you happy.. you only get to live once.. get rid of the other candies and do yourself a favor.. stay with the one you love most.

when letting go becomes the hardest choice you'll ever make, all you have to do is keep calm for a while & tell your heart "all things come and go, you only have to learn how to set it free."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9:00 AM 4/27/07
bloody chikka internship..

fifth day na namin dito and things are getting worse.. hay.. kamusta naman? quiz about the doctoral thesis we were asked to read.. coding of the subscription service (quote central - smart).. ano pa ba? i've expected things to be hard, but not this hard.. well, maybe because i am having this 'mild' influenza that's why i can't digest what i've been reading.. the result? i have to read that part again.. another wasted time.. honestly, i could feel that i am not in the proper condition now.. i'm not really feeling well.. i'm sick.. =(

i hope things would get better as i go on with my internship.. i still have barely 3 weeks to do a great job.. it isn't too late, is it?

by the way, if there have been difficult times, there are also good times, which happen during lunch breaks.. i'm really lucky to be with cool and fun people.. and we really get along well..

as a matter of fact, during our first day, after the contract signing, we had our pictures taken.. hindi naman kami camera addicts no? haha!

walang pamagat..

kagabi, pinahiran ko ng gentian ang aking singaw.. ilang araw na rin akong pinahihirapan nito.. ang hirap magsalita dahil tumatama ang sugat sa ipin ko.. at ang resulta: lalo pang lumalaki at pumupula..

bago ko pa man din ipahid ang gentian, tumutulo na ang luha ko.. partly kasi natatakot akong baka masakit at hindi ko kayanin ang hapdi.. isa pang dahilan eh naiiyak na talaga ako..

narinig kong sinabi ng aking kapatid: "ate, pisikal lang yan, mas mahirap gamutin at mas masakit ang emotional na karamdaman."

mas lalo akong naiyak.. tama siya, mas mahirap ngang gamutin ang sugatang damdamin.. hay.. kung pwede lang mapawi ng halo-halo sa chowking ang lungkot at sakit na nararamdaman ko.. nararamdaman ng mga tao.. kung mapapahiran lang ng ice cream at cake ang mga luha.. ayos na sana eh.. kaso lang hindi ganun kadali yun.. hindi ganun kadaling makalimot.. hindi rin ganun kadaling maghilom ang sugat na dulot ng malalim na saksak sa damdamin..

ano ba naman unaiza, pitong buwan na ang nakakaraan, hanggang ngayon ba naman hindi ka pa tapos sa mga drama mong yan?

siguro nga hindi pa.. at para atang hindi rin ito matatapos ngayon o bukas o sa susunod na buwan.. pero hanggang kailan ako ganito? hanggang kailan ako iiyak?

marahil nga ay nagawa ko na ang pinakamaling desisyon na pwede kong magawa sa tanang buhay ko..

nagkamali nga ata ako.. kung maaari ko lang sanang ibalik ang panahon, patigilin ang oras, at ulitin lahat ng masasayang alala at karanasan..

sa totoo lang, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganitong pagsisisi.. nagkamali nga talaga ako.. hindi naman ako magsisisi kung tama ang naging desisyon ko..

sabi ni leyn sa isang text, pagkakataon daw kung matatagpuan mo ang isang pag-ibig.. nasa iyong pagpili kung tatagal ito o hindi..

sa buhay natin, laging may pagkakataon at laging may sitwasyon na kailangan nating piliing mangyari..

nagkamali ako sa pinili ko..

hindi ba sapat ang pagsisisi.. sabi nila lagi raw nasa huli ang pagsisisi.. oo nga naman, paano ka magsisisi kung hindi mo pa alam ang magiging kahinatnan ng desisyon mo..

pero ngayon ngang nagsisisi na ako, sapat na ba yun? sa nangyayari kasi parang hindi pa..

kailangan ko ba talagang pagdaanan ang lahat ng ito? wala bang kapatawaran ang ginawa ko?

sa paghahangad kong maayos ang lahat, lalo lang naging komplikado.. at ngayon, hindi ko na mabawi ang naging desisyon ko.. wala akong ibang masisi kundi sarili ko.. ganun din siya, ako ang sinisisi niya.. sino pa nga bang may kasalanan? ako naman talaga.. ako ang unang sumuko..

sana naging matatag na lang ako.. sana hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa..

ngayon, wala na talaga akong aasahan.. kahit anong dasal ko, hindi Niya ako pinakikinggan.. siguro sabi Niya, "ginusto mo yan, ikaw ang nagdesisyon niyan, ngayon, magdusa ka."

sa buong buhay ko, ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganitong pagkatalo at pagkalungkot..

hindi ko alam kung may pag-asa pa.. ayokong mawalan ng pag-asa pero ayoko na ring umasa.. pero hanggang kailan ako masasaktan?

akala ko dati tapos na ako sa ganitong drama.. hindi pa pala.. mukhang hindi talaga ako titigilan ng nakaraan..

maraming "sana", maraming "sayang".. pero ano pa nga bang magagawa ko?

sa tingin ko naman nagawa ko na ang lahat ng pwede kong magawa para maayos lang.. kahit na magmukha akong tanga.. kahit na ibaba ko ang sarili ko.. pero wala pa ring epekto.. ganun ba talaga kabigat ang kasalanan ko?

wala na ba talaga akong pwedeng gawin? nahihirapan na ako.. matagal na.. ang pinaniwalaan kong paraan para maayos ang gulong ito ay hindi naging tagumpay..

hanggang kailan ako ganito? hanggang saan ako dadalhin ng ganitong pakiramdam? hanggang kailan ako iiyak?

hindi ko rin alam ang kasagutan..