i'm fine..

"God is too wise to be mistaken, God is too good to be unkind. So when you don't understand, when you don't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart."

i received this message yesterday, just when i'm about to give up and break down.. let's just say that somehow, this message has saved me.. and i thank velle for sending me this message just when i needed it most..

how can i be totally broken again just when i thought i'm completely healed? why am i dying again? hell! don't i have the right to be happy forever? how long will i suffer? how long?


"..a God of faithfulness and without injustice, good and upright is He.." yan na lang ang paulit-ulit kong kinakanta sa isip ko.. just to convince myself that everything happens for a reason.. that God has a purpose and a better plan.. that after this storm, the sun will rise again and my days will be bright again..

sa ngayon, wala talaga akong naiintindihan.. i have nothing but questions in my mind.. mga tanong na hindi ko pa mahanapan ng sagot.. "why Lord?", that's all i can say.. pero kahit mahirap, although it's killing me, i'm willing to go through this pain.. wala naman kasi akong choice.. i can't escape.. i have nowhere to go.. nowhere to hide.. hindi ko mahanap yung 'mundo'namin.. wala rin siya para ilipad ako sa lugar ng pag-asa.. kaya ko ba 'to? err.. hay.. gusto kong sumigaw.. ayaw magbeat ng heart ko.. ang sakit sobra.. ang gulo..

i'm waiting.. and i'll be waiting.. hanggang sa matapos lahat ng 'to.. hanggang sa magising ako na ok na lahat.. sabi ng green day, 'wake me up when september ends'.. sabi ko naman, 'wake me up when this pain is over'.. i would like to think of this as a bad dream, a nightmare.. magigising din ako.. at sana paggising ko, nandito ka na, ok na lahat, masaya na uli, wala ng problema..

"when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with You above the storm.. Father You are King over the flood, i will be still, know You are God" [kuya don, salamat din dito]