i'm mean because you're stupid.. [farewell to my dark side]

..that's the statement boldly printed on a shirt i saw yesterday at american boulevard..

and the only word that i was able to utter upon seeing it was "nice"..

so what's with it? why did i choose it to be the title of this long post? for one, i believe that the statement makes sense.. at isa pa, nakaka-relate ako.. somehow..

as i look back sa lahat ng nangyayari sa life ko lately, i have but one realization: this is not me! this is not the life that i want..

everything is a mess.. nothing seems right, in fact, nothing IS right.

in as much as i want to put the blame on other people, i can't help but be guilty of everything.. this is my life.. and it is my decision to live it this way.. and i definitely made a very wrong decision..

i thought i was doing the right thing.. i thought it was the best, most healthy move for me.. pero hindi pala.. habang tumatagal ako sa pagiging ganito, nagiging malinaw din sa akin ang lahat.. sinisira ko lang ang sarili ko.. pinapatay ko kung sino talaga ako..

siguro nga yun din naman kasi ang gusto ko, patayin yung dating ako.. kalimutan lahat.. magsimula uli.. but then again, everything is easier said than done..

all this time, loser pa rin pala ako..

i'm killing myself sa sobrang pagka-busy ko sa iba't ibang bagay.. school, work, service, etc..
i barely have enough time to sleep or rest or even eat.. i'm always on the go..

bilib nga ako sa sarili ko kasi kahit na lagi akong nagpapaulan, hindi ako nagkakasakit.. kahit na maubos ko ang isang tumbler na red horse, hindi man lang ako nahihilo.. wala lang.. numb lang ako plus some rashes sa likod.. pero other than those, sobrang ok ako.. kaya ko pang gumala sa mall, mag-movie marathon, magpuyat, etc.. i had minor ulcer attacks pero nadadaan naman sa gamot.. i lost weight but i'm still healthy.. galing di ba? akala ko maganda yun.. akala ko that made me better than anyone else.. pero isang malaking sampal sken yung sinabi niya.. "bahala ka nga sa buhay mo, pakamatay ka kung gusto mo.. uminom ka na naman? nakaka-TO ha?!"

ouch. that really hurts like hell..

and then i began to question: do i really wanna die? ano nga bang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko?
gusto ko ba 'to?

and the answers came..

no. hindi ito ang gusto mo.. hindi rin ikaw yan.. ginagawa mo lang lahat yan para tumakas.. para makalimot.. pero hindi mo gusto yan.. pinili mong gawin ang mga bagay na yan para ipakita sa kanila na hindi na ikaw yung mahina at iyaking unaiza.. ginagawa mo yan para patunayan na kaya mo ring sumabay sa agos.. nasaktan ka kasi nang sobra kaya gusto mong ipakita na hindi ka papatalo.. marunong ka rin lumaban.. hindi ka loser.. pwede ka ring maging bad.. gaya ng karamihan..

damn.

bakit nga ba ito ang pinili ko? this is not right.

i miss my old self.. i miss being gentle, being modest, being kind..

ni hindi ko man lang masabi ang salitang 'i love you' ngayon.. kahit sa pamilya ko.. hindi na ako masaya sa buhay na meron ako ngayon.. i wish i could go back to the time when the only people that mattered to me are my parents, my brother, my closest friends, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, and my Lolos and Lolas.. pero syempre hindi na posible yun..

so anong gagawin ko ngayon?

i want a total make-over in my life..

aayusin ko lahat ng dapat ayusin.. tama na ang kahibangang ito.. i've been bad and i didn't like it.. dahil hindi naman talaga ako masama..

hindi ko kelangang sumabay sa agos.. hindi naman ako ganun dati e.. at ayoko ng sumabay pa sa agos.. ayos lang maiwan basta alam kong tama ako..

sabi nga ni sir jim, this is the hardest principle, but this must be our principle: DO THE RIGHT THING.

naging rebelde ako sa sarili ko sa loob ng mahigit isang buwan.. eto ang naging escape ko.. pero tapos na yung stage na yun..

this time, i'm determined to be what God intends me to be..

parang paulit-ulit na yung posts ko.. parang nasabi ko na rin 'to dati..

pero iba na ngayon, because this is going to be the last time that i'll write about my miseries..

last saturday, we were asked to write down 3-7 principles that we want to live by.. and i've listed five..

1. Do the right thing.
2. God first.
3. Less for self, more for others.
4. Never let emotions get in the way.
5. Play to win.

mark this day. from this day on, i'm gonna live by those principles.

alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik yung dating ako.. pero kaya kong ayusin ang buhay ko.. and that's exactly what i'm going to do..

i'll put my heart back together.. i'm gonna pick the pieces of my life.. back to zero ako, start from scratch.. pero hindi naman imposibleng buuin uli ang sarili ko e.. kaya ko 'to.. go aiza! go and touch others' hearts..

this is my song.. and my prayer..

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I want to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within and make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin deep within