written on the eve of march 7, 2008

i'm preparing for our CS 197 debate and therefore, i'm reading and writing a lot.. but in between those critical thinking moments, i couldn't help but be bothered by the fact that i did something new this evening and it is worth telling about.. so i decided to take a break and spend some time encoding my thoughts regarding tonight's assembly.

God is really a wise God. i mean, He knows when to touch people and how to touch them. I was touched by my own sharing. It was the first time that I was given the chance to speak in front of the chapter and share my insights about a certain topic discussed in the recently held international leaders conference.

our chapter head texted me two days ago and asked me if i could share my thoughts on talk 2 or talk 3. he let me choose. i chose the 2nd. i told him that i might not be able to give justice to the third talk because first of all, i believe it would be 'personalized.' talk 3 was entitled home(bitter)sweet home. and the main topic was 'pain and forgiveness'. it was the best, most touching for me. but i'm a bit sure that if i'm going to talk about it, i would have a lot of biases, which would definitely won't help in sharing the true message of the talk. the whole day of yesterday and today was spent in the preparation for our debate tomorrow. i'm sure i won't be able to get enough sleep tonight because i still need to polish my statements and arguments. why are we making a big deal of this debate and why do we exert so much effort? well, we really want to win.. for the grade, and for the freebies.. LOL.. anyway, why did i mention that? only to let you know that i didn't have enough time for my sharing. i just read the booklet, went through my journal, prayed, and that's it.. when i arrived at the chapel, i was light-hearted, not feeling anything but ease and happiness.. i miss the community.. even if it was just last Sunday when we had fellowship together.. i don't know.. i guess that's really how it is when you're already used to have them around on a regular basis.. as i have told many times before, i'm a bit inactive due to health and academic problems. it's nice to see old faces.. and i was more eager to join the music ministry in singing.. i was relaxed. but when kuya tirso stood in front and was about to call my name, my heart began to beat really fast.. i was trembling with fright.. i thought to myself, this could not be stage fright, i mean i've already done a lot of performances since kinder and i could never be afraid now. but i realized, i was more nervous, or worried rather of the things that i would say.. would i be able to give justice to the talk which was a really good one? would the members understand and hear God's word through me? i wasn't sure.. but since i can't back out, i had no choice but to just speak. it was really tough. i can't seem to collect my thoughts.. and i wasn't sure if i made any sense.. but i just let my mouth speak.. i just let the words come out. i have prayed and have asked for God's guidance. i know He's with me..

when i delivered the last line, i felt relieved. "whew! i did it," i thought. but what struck me was the fact that i was the one who learned from everything that i have said.. my sharing was simply God's message for me.. i was affirmed of the things which i already know and believed about.. seriously, i felt like the whole time i was talking, it was God talking to me.. telling me the things that i needed to hear.. and again, the very important word: forgive!

i know i've talked a lot about the things that have beeen happening to me recently.. my bitterness over someone, over a group of people.. i mean, yes, i've said that i don't care about what they say, but i was hurt. and the mere fact that i was hurt already means that i need healing.. and healing comes when i forgive.

before the start of the assembly, he(i won't mention his name as it is confidential.. hehe.. but i love him dearly and he has taught me a lot already) talked to me and told me that he was able to read my blog. i'm not sure which one though because i have three.. multiply, friendster, and blogspot.. *wink*
he asked me if i could delete the 'not so important post'.. masyado daw kasi akong magaling magsulat kaya baka ma-brainwash ko raw ang mga makakabasa.. at syempre baka masaktan ko yung iba.. sabi ko nga i didn't mention any name naman, so how would they know if it is them that i'm talking of? unless of course they're guilty.. but he insisted anyway.. and i got his point.. since i love that person and i realized that the issue is already part of the past, i agreed to his suggestion.. so i have deleted that post and i swore not to post anything of that kind ever again.. can i do that? hehe.. writing has been my passion and if there's one thing i'm good at, that is expressing my thoughts in writing.. it's my only outlet. i don't drink. i don't smoke. i don't party. but yes, he's right, i may cause trouble.. i've been into trouble just because some people didn't like what i have written and just because they felt that i'm speaking against them.. oh well, again, i never mentioned names.. and what i write are my thoughts.. personal.. why are people questioning that? anyway, i just decided to be more cautious next time.. to avoid enormous damage and harm(?)..

i just want to share my happiness. i'm happy with myself. i'm happy with how i handle things. i'm tougher and stronger now.. but i'm still the same sweet girl, the sweetest girl for that matter.. ^_^ and i'm happy to have heard from kuya jon that he sees peace in me. yes, God made it possible for me to see kuya jon again. he's my first spiritual counselor in UP if i may say. i saw him yesterday on my way home from the engineering building. we talked for quite a while and we were both happy to see each other again after a long time.. and what's more satisfying is the fact that we shared about our experiences as servants of the Lord.. we're both going through trials but i was comforted when he told me that he sees that i'm at peace and that i've grown so well in my relationship with God. i told him that indeed, i have found my peace.. and that God is enough for me..

tonight, God used me to speak to His people, but at the same time, He spoke to me. and his message was clear: "My child, I love you. I forgive you for your sins. And I am always here for you no matter how hard things may seem. Walk in faith. Be still. I am your God."

the greatest expression of love is forgiveness. i'm sorry if i have offended anyone with the things i've been posting. it wasn't intentional. i was just expressing myself. and for people who have hurt me and who will hurt me in the future, i'm giving you the greatest gift i could ever offer: forgiveness. ^_^

i'm at peace. be at peace!

may God be praised forever! God bless everyone! ^_^

P.S. uh oh.. i think i've said too much again.. it's almost 2am.. hehe.. need to get back to debate stuffs.. haha.. i'm really unstoppable once i started talking.. sorry.. that's me.. *wink*