blessed beyond the curse..

i received a message from a friend which says:

"What are you really afraid of?

You're not scared of the dark.. you're scared of what's IN it.

You're not scared of heights.. you're afraid of FALLING.

You're not afraid of the people around you.. you're just afraid of REJECTION.

You're not afraid to love.. you're just afraid of not being LOVED BACK.

And you're not afraid to try again.. you're just afraid of getting HURT for the SAME reason."

after reflecting on the message, i came to this realization: I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING. not even death.

i know i've said in my last post that i'm scared of the procedure but after everything that has happened, i don't think i have anything else to fear.. actually, i wasn't scared for myself, i was scared of what might be the reaction of my family.. i'm tired.. and i know for a fact that they're just as tired as i am.. kung nahihirapan ako, ganun din sila.. but again, God did not leave us unarmed in this battle.. sabi ko nga, lahat ng nangyayari ay manifestation lang ng pagmamahal niya sa akin at sa pamilya ko..

on tuesday morning, i went to see Dr. Edmund Ureta, the orthopedic surgeon. he advised me to swim regularly as it is the best exercise for people with scoliosis. after tracing every bone in the upper part of my body, which, by the way, was painful, he gave me two medicines and requested me to see him again after 10 days. okay, i felt relieved that i don't have to undergo some operation just yet but when i got out of the room, i was confronted with a shocking truth: i had to pay him! and seriously, i have no money. i have a daily allowance of P150, but on that day, mama gave me P200 and i was a bit hesitant because i know she still need to save money for my endoscopy. but i took it anyway and felt good and secured that i have more than enough to last the day in school. i was confident that i'm not going to pay anything because it is the university health service and during my last consultation there, i did not pay a cent. however, the ortho case was different. only then did i know that Dr. Ureta is not from UP. he is just a visiting consultant, and therefore, i need to pay his professional fee of P280. i checked my wallet and found P175 (i spent P25 for my fare). if i'm going to give everything, it's still not enough. and i won't have anything left. how am i going to go home? i decided to give P150 and begged the secretary to allow me to return the balance. good thing she agreed. here's the thing: Dr. Ureta would be leaving before lunch time because he still has other appointments, so i had to give the balance before he leaves. as soon as i got out of the infirmary, i called up everyone near the area.. i called up my friends who i thought would be able to lend me money.. but nobody answered. i went to the boarding house of my friend which is just at the back of the infirmary but she's not there anymore. i was getting hopeless.. i tried calling people again.. and finally, dan answered. he told me that he's on his way to UP at babayaran na raw niya yung utang niya.. pero hindi pa rin enough yun.. but i decided to meet him anyway.. on my way to our meeting place, the main library, i was talking to God.. "Lord, please send me at least one person who could lend me P130. Please Lord, I need it so badly." And once again, God showed me His power. Right after i finished saying my prayer, a familiar voice greeted me: "Hi Unai!" i turned to see who it was, and i was in awe when i saw Bhing, a former orgmate. We're batchmates during the DOST summer orientation program. we're both scholars then and i was once part of the organization to which she belongs. i haven't seen her since last semester, i think, and matagal na rin akong hindi member ng org. pero that moment, i knew she was God's answer. kinalimutan ko na ang hiya, with all humility, i asked her if she could lend me P130. i told her my story and even she was amazed how God works. she told me that she's supposed to go to the lab but something seemed to tell her to instead go to the shopping center and withdraw the money that her kuya has sent.. ang galing talaga ni God! so yun, sumama na ako sa kanya, at ang mas maganda pa dun, P200 yung pinahiram niya sken and she even asked kung kumain na ba ako.. true enough, God hears our every prayer.. and He knows where to send people when.. i needed someone to lend me P130, He gave me someone who lent me P200.. may bonus pa.. i went back to the infirmary just in time.. Dr. Edmund will be leaving in a while.. i paid my balance and headed to the main library where i'm supposed to meet dan. when i saw him, i wasn't able to hold back the tears. i hugged him and cried out my weary heart. then alpha came.. she's also a blessing.. matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita at sobrang saya ng surprise meeting namin.. they both hugged me.. and that moment was just so comforting. another bonus from God: i was just expecting dan, but he willed alpha to be there as well.. at hindi lang yun, Sir Mario returned the results of our 2nd exam and i'm happy to say that i got better.. if my first exam was just a bit higher than the passing rate, my second exam was close to perfect.. God is indeed amazing.. i owe Him everything..

i went home with a hopeful, yet weary heart.. after dinner, i had my time with God.. and i just told Him one thing: "Lord, pagod na ako. Gusto ko lang pong magpahinga. Sabi Mo, 'Cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden. Come to me all of you who are tired of carrying heavy load. For the load I will give you is easy and my burden is light, come to Me, and I will give you rest.' Lord, i need rest."

i slept. hoping that the following day will be fine and that the procedure i'll go through will go well.

wednesday morning. we arrived at JRMMC just in time. after paying (and answering alpha's call - thanks heelz!), a nurse assisted us to the operating room and there we waited for my turn. i was with mama and arnold.. finally, Doc Mario called me. i went inside the room and was so nervous when i saw the equipments.. iniisip ko na kung alin sa mga tubong nandun yung ipapasok sa katawan ko.. i lied down on a stretcher and Doc Mar's assistant gave me the final instructions.. sabi niya relax lang daw ako at sundin ko lang lahat ng sasabihin ng doctor.. then Doc Mario sprayed anaesthesia on my mouth.. after a few minutes, nilagyan nila ako ng mouthpiece at pinatagilid.. ang mga sumunod na nangyari ay hindi ko na madedetalye kasi pinili kong pumikit na lang.. mama was there to witness everything.. basta naramdaman ko na lang na may tinutusok sa lalamunan ko pababa sa esophagus.. sabi ni mama, ang linaw daw ng kuha ng camera..

sobrang sakit ng procedure.. pero it was all worth it.. kasi ok yung results.. malinis pa yung tiyan ko! wala pang sugat, gasgas, whatsoever.. sobrang dami lang daw bubbles sabi ni mama.. dahil sobrang dami talagang acid sa tiyan ko.. at kung hindi pa naagapan, maaaring mas lumala pa.. praise God talaga! under medication ako for one month.. babalik ako sa De Los Santos as soon as maubos ko lahat ng gamot..

i won't go into details sa mga iba pang nangyari.. ang importante marami akong na-realize.. at marami ring pinakita sken si God..

1. There are only two kinds of people: yung lagi mong nakikita pero hindi mo nararamdaman, at yung hindi mo madalas makita o hindi mo talaga nakikita pero narararamdaman mo.. and i prefer the latter.

what do i mean by that? simple lang.. may mga taong nandyan nga, pero wala namang pakialam.. at may mga taong akala mo walang pakialam at walang kinalaman sa buhay mo, pero sila pala yung dadamay sa'yo sa panahong iniwan ka ng mga inaasahan mo.. this is just a proof that really, you cannot judge people.. and you must treat everyone fairly..

2. God will never ever forsake us.

He'll test our faith. He'll give us challenges, but He will never leave us. need i say more?

3. There are a lot of little miracles in our everyday lives. We just need to discover and appreciate them.

i'm a living testimony of this truth. ^_^

4. God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.

enough said.

5. Life is beautiful. Because God made all things beautiful.

despite its being unfair and cruel sometimes, life still gives us the opportunity to serve the purpose for which we were created.. and there's still a lot of reasons to smile.. life is short, might as well enjoy it.

and finally but most importantly, it dawned on me that what i am going through right now is just my share of Jesus' suffering. Jesus said, "If you want to follow Me, take up your cross and follow Me." THIS IS MY CROSS. and i will endure the pain of carrying it because i want to follow Jesus, i want to be with God.

Jesus suffered and died on the cross. After three days, He rose again. His resurrection saved us and gave us life everlasting. His cross is not a symbol of death and defeat but victory and life. I think this way: today, we are suffering and dying, but on the third day, we will rise again and share a new life with our Lord and Savior.

one final note. Doc Mario asked me if i'm already married. i answered no. then he asked me if i have a boyfriend. again, i answered no. then he commented, "that's why you're sick. get a boyfriend. get married." of course i know that he was just trying to lighten the mood after the procedure, and i thank him for that. i told velle about it and this was her reply: "no comment ako dyan mommy, kasi nung last time na nag-boyfriend ka dun ka pa nagkasakit e. dapat sa susunod, yung gamot na talaga.. magpareseta ka na lang sa kanya(doc).. hehe.."

i wish it was that easy. but i'm happy being single. i need someone, yes. but i'm not desperate. sa ngayon, tama ng alam kong maraming nagmamahal sken.. and most of all, God is enough!

sa lahat ng nagdasal at nagtext/tumawag/dumalaw.. MARAMING SALAMAT!

you know who you are but i'd like to acknowledge you anyway..

thank you jat.

thank you cris.

thank you alvin.

thank you kuya don.

thank you kuya ian.

thank you kuya pip.

thank you ate jing.

thank you alpha.

thank you crix.

thank you melai.

thank you velle.

at sa mga nakausap ko nung tuesday:

thank you bhing.

thank you dan.

thank you sidh.

thank you mars.

at sa mga kaibigan kong laging nagtatanggol sken:

thank you chai.

thank you binoy.

at higit sa lahat, sa pamilya ko:

thank you ma

thank you pa

thank you nold

thank you tita ana

sa mga iba pang hindi ko nabanggit pero pinagdasal ako, maraming salamat! ^_^