it's so nice to be happy.. shalalala.. ^_^

[written on the eve of march 13, 2008 at 10:37pm]

today is the 13th of march.. and i almost forgot.. sorry naman, medyo mahina na memory ko ngayon.. hehe.. happy monthsary mom(yeti) & dad(mike)! mwah! love you both! ^_^

anyway, i just want to talk.. again.. hindi ako mahilig magsalita no? haha.. umm.. wala lang.. ang bait talaga ni God.. and today is another day of blessings for me..

i slept at around 2am kanina and i woke up at 6am.. 4 hours lang ang tulog ko at sobrang antok talaga ako the whole day.. pero keri lang kasi ang dami namang magandang nangyari.. and i guess, sulit naman ang puyat ko.. hehe..

enough of the long intro.. game na.. dadaldal na ako..

first blessing: natapos ko ang 5 hours na required sa experiments sa psych.. nakakatuwa talaga.. worried kasi ako na baka bumaba yung grade ko kung hindi ko mabuo yung 5 hours.. sayang naman ang mataas na standing ko.. hindi naman ako grade conscious no? hehe.. hindi masyado.. sayang lang talaga kasi alam kong kinarir ko talaga ang psych.. pero yun nga, ang galing lang kasi just for today, actually kaninang umaga lang, natapos ko lahat.. kahit walk-in lang.. happy talaga..

second blessing: i had lunch with one of my best girl friends.. si chai.. at nakita ko rin si mars.. wala lang.. i just enjoy every moment that i am able to spend with them.. they're the best chums in the whole of up and i am really blessed and happy to have them as my best friends..

third blessing: i saw the result of our 5th quiz in psych and i got a very high grade.. hehe.. wala lang.. goal ko kasi talagang ma-uno ang psych.. or at least 1.25.. ^_^

fourth blessing: i learned that he's 20 (i'm 21) and the nice thing was, he talked to me.. haha.. secret na yung ibang details.. hehe.. basta he's so nice to look at.. wala lang.. yun lang.. pero hindi siya bf material.. cute lang talaga siya.. hehe..

fifth blessing: i was able to take a good nap.. pagdating ko kanina, naghilamos lang ako at nagbihis tapos natulog na.. that was around 4pm.. i woke up at 730pm.. hehe.. ang haba ng tulog ko.. kaya lang parang hindi pa rin enough kaya inantok pa rin ako..

sixth blessing: sidh and i had a lot of fun at the JCS musical.. buti na lang nandun si sidh.. at buti na lang nagtext sya.. ang kulit nga e.. kung sino pa yung hindi ko tinext, yun pa yung nakasama ko.. expect the unexpected talaga.. pero ok lang, nalaman ko naman kung bakit wala akong natanggap na reply eh.. hehe.. umm, actually, hindi ganun kaganda yung play pero nag-enjoy kame sa kaka-okray.. haha.. ang bad ba? wala lang.. pareho na kasi kaming inaantok.. so kelangan naming aliwin ang isa't isa.. ayun.. mega-comment na lang kame sa cast, sa stage, etc.. hehe.. at syempre we never missed the beautiful night sky.. awww.. ang sweet no? haha.. wala lang.. tinuro ni batch sken yung big dipper.. yun ang pinagkaabalahan namin during the play.. ^_^

seventh blessing: after a long time, nakakain uli ako ng swirly bitz.. haha.. ang babaw ko ba? wala lang.. natuwa lang ako.. kasi tagal ko na talagang hindi nakakain ng swirly bitz.. laging sundae yung binibili ko.. pero nung pauwi na kame ni sidh, nagyaya muna siya sa jollibee.. ayun.. libre nya.. haha.. na-miss ko ang lasa ng swirly bitz.. salamat batch! sa uulitin.. hehe..

eight blessing: i learned my lesson the hard way.. but at least i learned.. ^_^ just today, God taught me this simple, yet challenging lesson: don't be deceived by false praises.. things that are too good to be true will simply break your heart.. so be careful.. words, no matter how good they sound, are mere bubbles in the air if actions are not made to fulfill them.. ngayon ko lang ba na-realize yun? hindi naman.. matagal ko ng alam na ang mga salita ay walang kwenta kung wala namang kasamang gawa.. kaya lang, human as i am, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang matuwa sa mga magagandang bagay na sinasabi ng ibang tao.. at sa sobrang tuwa ko, minsan, i pay little attention to the fact that words will never immortalize feelings.. i mean, you can say one thing and feel another.. gets ba? halimbawa, someone can tell you how lovely he thinks you are but deep inside him, he's seeing someone else in you.. basta something like that.. so don't ever give in to flowery words no matter how sweet they are.. remember, actions are still the best way to express what you feel for someone.. again, words will never immortalize feelings.. so don't rely on words.. believe me.. hehe.. natawa nga ako sa sarili ko nung naramdaman ko yung tap ni God e.. i heard Him say something like this: "o anak, masyado ka na naman atang naniwala.. sabi naman sayo mag-ingat ka na e.. tingnan mo.. nagkamali ba Ako?" and my reply was: "yes Lord, tama Ka.. ang gaga ko talaga.. sorry naman po, tao lang e.. hehe.. pero salamat kasi pinaalala Mo sken agad.. mahal Mo talaga ako at ayaw Mong masaktan pa ako.. salamat sa maagang warning.." ^_^

i've chosen the eight best moments of today.. but that doesn't mean those were the only blessings that i received.. i tell you, there's a lot.. countless.. the gift of life, good health, safe travel, protection from the devil beside me.. etc.. hehe.. wala lang.. devil beside me talaga yung ginamit kong term no? naalala ko lang kasi yung palabas sa GMA.. hehe.. pero totoo naman diba? the devil is just beside us.. tempting us to sin.. pero sorry siya, mas malakas ang power ni God.. haha.. wala siyang panama.. i have my shield.. ^_^

wala lang pala.. last point na.. kanina narinig ko yung 'aaminin' ng six cycle.. i'm sorry, natatawa talaga ako sa kantang yun.. hehe.. kanta ng mga loser at hindi maka-move on.. haha.. sorry naman.. no offense meant.. chai, alam ko nakakarelate ka.. hehe.. sunugin ang mga walang kwenta! haha..

ang haba na naman pala ng post ko.. ang daldal ko talaga.. hehe.. pasensya naman.. meron pa pala akong gustong i-share.. pero next time na lang.. sobrang antok na talaga ako e.. hehe..

clue: tungkol sa psychological disorders.. hmm.. sino kayang makakarelate? haha..

good night and God bless everyone! ^_^

malamang bukas ko na ma-post ito.. basta alam niyong ginawa ko ito on the eve of march 13.. have a good day! smile people! ^_^

*************************************************************************************************************
march 14, 2008..

galing na naman ako sa orthopedic surgeon.. hay.. sabi ni doc ed parang lumala raw ngayon.. huhu.. (o ayan, sa mga naghahangad na lumala ako, kung meron man, masaya na kayo? hehe.. peace pa rin tayo.. don't worry, i'll be fine.. hindi magtatagal ang kaligayahan niyo! haha..)

he gave me a new medicine and i'll see him on the 1st of april.. hay.. pera na naman yun.. sabi rin pala niya i should consult my o.b. kasi raw supposedly, wala namang effect yung mga gamot ko sa menstrual cycle ko.. so, malamang, may problema rin talaga.. hay..

pero happy pa rin.. everyday is a blessing from God.. at kahit na maraming hindi maganda sa paligid, maganda naman ako.. haha.. at syempre maganda pa rin ang buhay.. i love life.. and soon enough, life will love me back.. ^_^

some words..

with all that is happening, i can't be silent anymore.. teka, kelan nga ba ako tumahimik? hehe.. lagi naman akong nagsasalita.. minsan nga nakakasakit na ako.. but what i have been talking about for the longest time are all my personal experiences.. i'm speaking about myself and for myself.. this time, i'd like to talk about other people and i would like to comment on the present situation that we're in.. if you won't mind.. anyway wala naman kayong magagawa e.. blog ko 'to.. hehe.. this won't be long.. i swear.. ^_^

to mr. leo san miguel and the rest of the people involved but continue to live in denial: with all due respect sir/s, i beg you to just tell the truth.. like what mr. madriaga said, "come out and come out clean"

-> if you're telling the truth, you don't need to remember anything

to those who settle for the mediocre: anything worth doing is worth doing well

to those who are judged wrongly and are told of negative things: if you have the smile of God, it matters not if you have the frown of men. we don't need to please anyone. we just need to please God. ^_^ we are beautiful no matter what they say.. words can't bring us down..

to those who find pleasure in hurting others: what goes around comes around. karma is real.

to the broken-hearted, those who feel incomplete, worthless, helpless, desperate: God loves you and He cares for You. only Him can complete You. seek Him and You'll be satisfied. and one more thing, hindi kayo nag-iisa.. so don't ever feel alone.. i'm here.. ^_^

yun lang.. hehe.. bawal akong dumaldal ng matagal.. hell week ngayon e.. good night and God bless everyone! *power hug* [for those who need it..by the way, a power hug is a hug with a prayer^^]

one last.. i got this from coffee prince.. hehe.. fight hard. fight fair. wala lang.. hehe.. hindi ako nagpapa-cute kasi matagal na akong cute.. haha.. mwah everyone! ^_^

midnight madness..

"we should be grateful for certain things.. no matter how bad they appear.. and no matter how small they seem.. be grateful for the past.. be grateful for the present.. "
- DJ Marco (i love him really! ^_^)

i'm sorry, i just can't let this pass.. DJ Marco has touched my heart again.. and again.. he's really the best DJ in town.. i swear.. everything he says has substance! tune in to mellow.. especially on 'secret' tuesdays. ^_^

please don't worry 'bout me i'm fine. only gonna play the fool one time. trust me when i say that i'll be okay. ^_^

before i start my long day, let me blog first.. hehe.. i just hope it won't take me that long, because i swear, i have so many things to do.. fine.. i'll start..

first of all, let me share the things i've learned last Sunday.. it was the first time na nabitin ako sa sermon ni Monsi.. before its so hard for me to appreciate and enjoy his sermon because i find it too technical.. but last Sunday was different.. the sermon, however long, was really good and full of substance..

but i would like to focus on his revelation about Jude Iscariot. when we speak of Judas, we often refer to him as a traitor, the betrayer of Jesus. but unfortunately, he was never a traitor. he did not betray Jesus, in fact, he was the one who was betrayed. the correct term, according to Monsi, is "hand-over", not "betray". this was the real story: Judas was not satisfied with the ways of Jesus. he expected Him to be a political leader.. but it never happened.. so he handed Jesus over to the Jews hoping that together, they would come up with a plan to get rid of the Romans.. he never thought of killing Jesus.. all he knew was that the Jews would talk to Him.. that's the reason why when he saw Jesus being persecuted, he went to the leaders and gave them back the pieces of silver that he has received.. but he could do nothing anymore.. he was betrayed by the leaders.. they just used him to get Jesus and kill Him.. because Judas was so devastated and was full of guilt, he committed suicide.. he could not accept the fact that he was instrumental to the suffering and death of his beloved friend and Master.. that's the truth..

Judas is not and was never a traitor.. in fact, in Monsi's words, 'he could be one of us'.. he got disappointed because what he expected did not happen.. so he tried to make his own effort to change things.. but it just didn't work out.. what he did simply worsen the situation.. in simplest terms, he just made a bad decision.. but he wasn't bad..

just like us.. human as we are, we sometimes make wrong decisions while hoping to get the results we wanted.. when things seem so hard to handle and when we don't get what we think we deserved, we lose faith.. we doubt.. and we try to do things on our own.. thinking we can get them right.. but we end up in misery.. because the 'sad' truth is, we can never make it on our own.. without God..

therefore, it is wrong to regard Judas as the bad one, the villain in the story of Jesus.. because sometimes, we are just like him..

next thing i'd like to share is the topic of our discussion during our last household meeting..

let me begin with the story of the unhappy king...

Once upon a time there was a king who had everything the world had to offer - all that money could buy, plus absolute power over his people. But despite all the money and power and prestige he possessed, he had a major problem: He was not happy. And so he summoned the wisest of wise men in all his kingdom and asked them to provide him with a solution to his problem. "I want to be happy," he said. "I command you to tell me how to achieve happiness."

After consulting with one another, the wisest of all the wise men in the kingdom came up with a solution to the king's problem. "You must find a truly happy man in your kingdom, take his shirt from him and wear it yourself. Then, you too will be happy."

So the king dispatched his elite horsemen to every corner of the kingdom in search of a truly happy man, and eventually, they found one. The trouble was, he didn't own a shirt.

now the question is: have you found the shirt?

during the upper household, i answered yes, but it was sleeveless. but last Sunday, i changed my reply. have i found the shirt? with confidence, i said yes. i have found the shirt.

what made me change my mind? just my notion of happiness.. the way i define happiness then is totally different from the way i define it now.. before, what i had in mind was that i'd never be completely happy until i get everything i want.. yes i am happy with what i have.. but the things that i don't have yet and the those that i have lost make me sad and disappointed.. that was before.. yes friends, nakakahiya man, pero that's how i think before.. you may think that i am a very appreciative person.. i am.. but i choose what to appreciate.. and really, i feel so bad when i lose something or someone.. or i simply don't get what i want.. but then again, i'd like to clarify that i never competed and will never compete with anyone.. i just keep those frustrations to myself.. and the only person i talk to about them is God.. i ask Him a lot of questions.. things like, "why can't i have it? why did i lose him? i did everything.. blah blah.." but i would like to reiterate, that was before.

this is how i think now: everything is a blessing from God. and everything can make me happy. because happiness is a choice. and happiness comes not in big surprises, not in huge boxes of achievements and recognitions, not in success, not in having an ideal mate, not in having everything that this world can offer (consider the king in the story.. he had everything but happiness). happiness comes in the little things that truly matter. happiness is contentment and contentment is happiness. (by the way people, this is just MY own notion of happiness. you can agree or disagree with me. this is my blog and everything that i post here is personal. everything is based on MY thoughts and MY emotions. wala lang. just to clear things up so that i won't be misunderstood.. i'm not trying to change how you think.. i'm simply speaking MY mind. ^_^ peace!) i am a failure. i am sick. i won't graduate yet. i don't have that much money. i am often misunderstood. i am often thought of as a kid. i am sometimes judged wrongly by people. i am told of negative things. i am single. but I AM HAPPY! ^_^

sincerely, i am happy and i see life as a wonderful gift from God.. there is nothing more i want.. there is nothing more i need.. God is enough.. i am satisfied for i have found my peace!

for those who haven't found the shirt yet, i assure you, time will come when God will reveal Himself to you.. just continue to seek Him.. the moment you find God is the moment you will find genuine happiness and peace.

Remember this: only God can complete us. only God can satisfy us. in Him alone can we find peace. seek God. for God is everything. and finding God is finding a treasure beyond the richest treasures that this world can offer. ^_^

let me end with this song. this is my song. and i hope it will be your song too..

**NEED**

I am grateful for the cross

my source of strength in my life's cause

I will embrace it everyday

Grace me to live day by day

You Lord, are all that I need

with all my mind and my deed

with You my life is complete

in Your love, in Your hands I'll live

I am hopeful for the future

Looking to You I am secure

You are my King, my Master

my Lord

reign in my heart forevermore

You Lord, are all that I need

with all my mind and my deed

with You my life is complete

in Your love, in Your hands I'll live

***God bless everyone!***

written on the eve of march 7, 2008

i'm preparing for our CS 197 debate and therefore, i'm reading and writing a lot.. but in between those critical thinking moments, i couldn't help but be bothered by the fact that i did something new this evening and it is worth telling about.. so i decided to take a break and spend some time encoding my thoughts regarding tonight's assembly.

God is really a wise God. i mean, He knows when to touch people and how to touch them. I was touched by my own sharing. It was the first time that I was given the chance to speak in front of the chapter and share my insights about a certain topic discussed in the recently held international leaders conference.

our chapter head texted me two days ago and asked me if i could share my thoughts on talk 2 or talk 3. he let me choose. i chose the 2nd. i told him that i might not be able to give justice to the third talk because first of all, i believe it would be 'personalized.' talk 3 was entitled home(bitter)sweet home. and the main topic was 'pain and forgiveness'. it was the best, most touching for me. but i'm a bit sure that if i'm going to talk about it, i would have a lot of biases, which would definitely won't help in sharing the true message of the talk. the whole day of yesterday and today was spent in the preparation for our debate tomorrow. i'm sure i won't be able to get enough sleep tonight because i still need to polish my statements and arguments. why are we making a big deal of this debate and why do we exert so much effort? well, we really want to win.. for the grade, and for the freebies.. LOL.. anyway, why did i mention that? only to let you know that i didn't have enough time for my sharing. i just read the booklet, went through my journal, prayed, and that's it.. when i arrived at the chapel, i was light-hearted, not feeling anything but ease and happiness.. i miss the community.. even if it was just last Sunday when we had fellowship together.. i don't know.. i guess that's really how it is when you're already used to have them around on a regular basis.. as i have told many times before, i'm a bit inactive due to health and academic problems. it's nice to see old faces.. and i was more eager to join the music ministry in singing.. i was relaxed. but when kuya tirso stood in front and was about to call my name, my heart began to beat really fast.. i was trembling with fright.. i thought to myself, this could not be stage fright, i mean i've already done a lot of performances since kinder and i could never be afraid now. but i realized, i was more nervous, or worried rather of the things that i would say.. would i be able to give justice to the talk which was a really good one? would the members understand and hear God's word through me? i wasn't sure.. but since i can't back out, i had no choice but to just speak. it was really tough. i can't seem to collect my thoughts.. and i wasn't sure if i made any sense.. but i just let my mouth speak.. i just let the words come out. i have prayed and have asked for God's guidance. i know He's with me..

when i delivered the last line, i felt relieved. "whew! i did it," i thought. but what struck me was the fact that i was the one who learned from everything that i have said.. my sharing was simply God's message for me.. i was affirmed of the things which i already know and believed about.. seriously, i felt like the whole time i was talking, it was God talking to me.. telling me the things that i needed to hear.. and again, the very important word: forgive!

i know i've talked a lot about the things that have beeen happening to me recently.. my bitterness over someone, over a group of people.. i mean, yes, i've said that i don't care about what they say, but i was hurt. and the mere fact that i was hurt already means that i need healing.. and healing comes when i forgive.

before the start of the assembly, he(i won't mention his name as it is confidential.. hehe.. but i love him dearly and he has taught me a lot already) talked to me and told me that he was able to read my blog. i'm not sure which one though because i have three.. multiply, friendster, and blogspot.. *wink*
he asked me if i could delete the 'not so important post'.. masyado daw kasi akong magaling magsulat kaya baka ma-brainwash ko raw ang mga makakabasa.. at syempre baka masaktan ko yung iba.. sabi ko nga i didn't mention any name naman, so how would they know if it is them that i'm talking of? unless of course they're guilty.. but he insisted anyway.. and i got his point.. since i love that person and i realized that the issue is already part of the past, i agreed to his suggestion.. so i have deleted that post and i swore not to post anything of that kind ever again.. can i do that? hehe.. writing has been my passion and if there's one thing i'm good at, that is expressing my thoughts in writing.. it's my only outlet. i don't drink. i don't smoke. i don't party. but yes, he's right, i may cause trouble.. i've been into trouble just because some people didn't like what i have written and just because they felt that i'm speaking against them.. oh well, again, i never mentioned names.. and what i write are my thoughts.. personal.. why are people questioning that? anyway, i just decided to be more cautious next time.. to avoid enormous damage and harm(?)..

i just want to share my happiness. i'm happy with myself. i'm happy with how i handle things. i'm tougher and stronger now.. but i'm still the same sweet girl, the sweetest girl for that matter.. ^_^ and i'm happy to have heard from kuya jon that he sees peace in me. yes, God made it possible for me to see kuya jon again. he's my first spiritual counselor in UP if i may say. i saw him yesterday on my way home from the engineering building. we talked for quite a while and we were both happy to see each other again after a long time.. and what's more satisfying is the fact that we shared about our experiences as servants of the Lord.. we're both going through trials but i was comforted when he told me that he sees that i'm at peace and that i've grown so well in my relationship with God. i told him that indeed, i have found my peace.. and that God is enough for me..

tonight, God used me to speak to His people, but at the same time, He spoke to me. and his message was clear: "My child, I love you. I forgive you for your sins. And I am always here for you no matter how hard things may seem. Walk in faith. Be still. I am your God."

the greatest expression of love is forgiveness. i'm sorry if i have offended anyone with the things i've been posting. it wasn't intentional. i was just expressing myself. and for people who have hurt me and who will hurt me in the future, i'm giving you the greatest gift i could ever offer: forgiveness. ^_^

i'm at peace. be at peace!

may God be praised forever! God bless everyone! ^_^

P.S. uh oh.. i think i've said too much again.. it's almost 2am.. hehe.. need to get back to debate stuffs.. haha.. i'm really unstoppable once i started talking.. sorry.. that's me.. *wink*

blessed beyond the curse..

i received a message from a friend which says:

"What are you really afraid of?

You're not scared of the dark.. you're scared of what's IN it.

You're not scared of heights.. you're afraid of FALLING.

You're not afraid of the people around you.. you're just afraid of REJECTION.

You're not afraid to love.. you're just afraid of not being LOVED BACK.

And you're not afraid to try again.. you're just afraid of getting HURT for the SAME reason."

after reflecting on the message, i came to this realization: I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING. not even death.

i know i've said in my last post that i'm scared of the procedure but after everything that has happened, i don't think i have anything else to fear.. actually, i wasn't scared for myself, i was scared of what might be the reaction of my family.. i'm tired.. and i know for a fact that they're just as tired as i am.. kung nahihirapan ako, ganun din sila.. but again, God did not leave us unarmed in this battle.. sabi ko nga, lahat ng nangyayari ay manifestation lang ng pagmamahal niya sa akin at sa pamilya ko..

on tuesday morning, i went to see Dr. Edmund Ureta, the orthopedic surgeon. he advised me to swim regularly as it is the best exercise for people with scoliosis. after tracing every bone in the upper part of my body, which, by the way, was painful, he gave me two medicines and requested me to see him again after 10 days. okay, i felt relieved that i don't have to undergo some operation just yet but when i got out of the room, i was confronted with a shocking truth: i had to pay him! and seriously, i have no money. i have a daily allowance of P150, but on that day, mama gave me P200 and i was a bit hesitant because i know she still need to save money for my endoscopy. but i took it anyway and felt good and secured that i have more than enough to last the day in school. i was confident that i'm not going to pay anything because it is the university health service and during my last consultation there, i did not pay a cent. however, the ortho case was different. only then did i know that Dr. Ureta is not from UP. he is just a visiting consultant, and therefore, i need to pay his professional fee of P280. i checked my wallet and found P175 (i spent P25 for my fare). if i'm going to give everything, it's still not enough. and i won't have anything left. how am i going to go home? i decided to give P150 and begged the secretary to allow me to return the balance. good thing she agreed. here's the thing: Dr. Ureta would be leaving before lunch time because he still has other appointments, so i had to give the balance before he leaves. as soon as i got out of the infirmary, i called up everyone near the area.. i called up my friends who i thought would be able to lend me money.. but nobody answered. i went to the boarding house of my friend which is just at the back of the infirmary but she's not there anymore. i was getting hopeless.. i tried calling people again.. and finally, dan answered. he told me that he's on his way to UP at babayaran na raw niya yung utang niya.. pero hindi pa rin enough yun.. but i decided to meet him anyway.. on my way to our meeting place, the main library, i was talking to God.. "Lord, please send me at least one person who could lend me P130. Please Lord, I need it so badly." And once again, God showed me His power. Right after i finished saying my prayer, a familiar voice greeted me: "Hi Unai!" i turned to see who it was, and i was in awe when i saw Bhing, a former orgmate. We're batchmates during the DOST summer orientation program. we're both scholars then and i was once part of the organization to which she belongs. i haven't seen her since last semester, i think, and matagal na rin akong hindi member ng org. pero that moment, i knew she was God's answer. kinalimutan ko na ang hiya, with all humility, i asked her if she could lend me P130. i told her my story and even she was amazed how God works. she told me that she's supposed to go to the lab but something seemed to tell her to instead go to the shopping center and withdraw the money that her kuya has sent.. ang galing talaga ni God! so yun, sumama na ako sa kanya, at ang mas maganda pa dun, P200 yung pinahiram niya sken and she even asked kung kumain na ba ako.. true enough, God hears our every prayer.. and He knows where to send people when.. i needed someone to lend me P130, He gave me someone who lent me P200.. may bonus pa.. i went back to the infirmary just in time.. Dr. Edmund will be leaving in a while.. i paid my balance and headed to the main library where i'm supposed to meet dan. when i saw him, i wasn't able to hold back the tears. i hugged him and cried out my weary heart. then alpha came.. she's also a blessing.. matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita at sobrang saya ng surprise meeting namin.. they both hugged me.. and that moment was just so comforting. another bonus from God: i was just expecting dan, but he willed alpha to be there as well.. at hindi lang yun, Sir Mario returned the results of our 2nd exam and i'm happy to say that i got better.. if my first exam was just a bit higher than the passing rate, my second exam was close to perfect.. God is indeed amazing.. i owe Him everything..

i went home with a hopeful, yet weary heart.. after dinner, i had my time with God.. and i just told Him one thing: "Lord, pagod na ako. Gusto ko lang pong magpahinga. Sabi Mo, 'Cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden. Come to me all of you who are tired of carrying heavy load. For the load I will give you is easy and my burden is light, come to Me, and I will give you rest.' Lord, i need rest."

i slept. hoping that the following day will be fine and that the procedure i'll go through will go well.

wednesday morning. we arrived at JRMMC just in time. after paying (and answering alpha's call - thanks heelz!), a nurse assisted us to the operating room and there we waited for my turn. i was with mama and arnold.. finally, Doc Mario called me. i went inside the room and was so nervous when i saw the equipments.. iniisip ko na kung alin sa mga tubong nandun yung ipapasok sa katawan ko.. i lied down on a stretcher and Doc Mar's assistant gave me the final instructions.. sabi niya relax lang daw ako at sundin ko lang lahat ng sasabihin ng doctor.. then Doc Mario sprayed anaesthesia on my mouth.. after a few minutes, nilagyan nila ako ng mouthpiece at pinatagilid.. ang mga sumunod na nangyari ay hindi ko na madedetalye kasi pinili kong pumikit na lang.. mama was there to witness everything.. basta naramdaman ko na lang na may tinutusok sa lalamunan ko pababa sa esophagus.. sabi ni mama, ang linaw daw ng kuha ng camera..

sobrang sakit ng procedure.. pero it was all worth it.. kasi ok yung results.. malinis pa yung tiyan ko! wala pang sugat, gasgas, whatsoever.. sobrang dami lang daw bubbles sabi ni mama.. dahil sobrang dami talagang acid sa tiyan ko.. at kung hindi pa naagapan, maaaring mas lumala pa.. praise God talaga! under medication ako for one month.. babalik ako sa De Los Santos as soon as maubos ko lahat ng gamot..

i won't go into details sa mga iba pang nangyari.. ang importante marami akong na-realize.. at marami ring pinakita sken si God..

1. There are only two kinds of people: yung lagi mong nakikita pero hindi mo nararamdaman, at yung hindi mo madalas makita o hindi mo talaga nakikita pero narararamdaman mo.. and i prefer the latter.

what do i mean by that? simple lang.. may mga taong nandyan nga, pero wala namang pakialam.. at may mga taong akala mo walang pakialam at walang kinalaman sa buhay mo, pero sila pala yung dadamay sa'yo sa panahong iniwan ka ng mga inaasahan mo.. this is just a proof that really, you cannot judge people.. and you must treat everyone fairly..

2. God will never ever forsake us.

He'll test our faith. He'll give us challenges, but He will never leave us. need i say more?

3. There are a lot of little miracles in our everyday lives. We just need to discover and appreciate them.

i'm a living testimony of this truth. ^_^

4. God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.

enough said.

5. Life is beautiful. Because God made all things beautiful.

despite its being unfair and cruel sometimes, life still gives us the opportunity to serve the purpose for which we were created.. and there's still a lot of reasons to smile.. life is short, might as well enjoy it.

and finally but most importantly, it dawned on me that what i am going through right now is just my share of Jesus' suffering. Jesus said, "If you want to follow Me, take up your cross and follow Me." THIS IS MY CROSS. and i will endure the pain of carrying it because i want to follow Jesus, i want to be with God.

Jesus suffered and died on the cross. After three days, He rose again. His resurrection saved us and gave us life everlasting. His cross is not a symbol of death and defeat but victory and life. I think this way: today, we are suffering and dying, but on the third day, we will rise again and share a new life with our Lord and Savior.

one final note. Doc Mario asked me if i'm already married. i answered no. then he asked me if i have a boyfriend. again, i answered no. then he commented, "that's why you're sick. get a boyfriend. get married." of course i know that he was just trying to lighten the mood after the procedure, and i thank him for that. i told velle about it and this was her reply: "no comment ako dyan mommy, kasi nung last time na nag-boyfriend ka dun ka pa nagkasakit e. dapat sa susunod, yung gamot na talaga.. magpareseta ka na lang sa kanya(doc).. hehe.."

i wish it was that easy. but i'm happy being single. i need someone, yes. but i'm not desperate. sa ngayon, tama ng alam kong maraming nagmamahal sken.. and most of all, God is enough!

sa lahat ng nagdasal at nagtext/tumawag/dumalaw.. MARAMING SALAMAT!

you know who you are but i'd like to acknowledge you anyway..

thank you jat.

thank you cris.

thank you alvin.

thank you kuya don.

thank you kuya ian.

thank you kuya pip.

thank you ate jing.

thank you alpha.

thank you crix.

thank you melai.

thank you velle.

at sa mga nakausap ko nung tuesday:

thank you bhing.

thank you dan.

thank you sidh.

thank you mars.

at sa mga kaibigan kong laging nagtatanggol sken:

thank you chai.

thank you binoy.

at higit sa lahat, sa pamilya ko:

thank you ma

thank you pa

thank you nold

thank you tita ana

sa mga iba pang hindi ko nabanggit pero pinagdasal ako, maraming salamat! ^_^

affirmation.. [God moves in mysterious ways]

the previous week has been a week of trials and tests.. since Saturday of last week, i've been bombarded with issues that seemed so hard for me to bear and situations too tough for me to handle.. i've been told of things that broke my already broken heart.. sabi nga ni melai, 'hindi lang basta biniyak na bato, ginawa pang buhangin.' honestly, i was sooooooooooooo down.. really.. and to make things worse, i found out that i don't only have a problem with my stomach, but with my back as well.. the X-ray plate was clear, i have scoliosis (dextro and levo).. good thing the angle of curvature was only 10 degrees with grade II levorotation. i'll meet the orthologist on Tuesday, and then, I will know what i have to do.. as for now, i am not allowed to carry heavy objects and i am requested to rest (again)..

not only that, Dr. Abe has also advised me to see Dr. Mario, a gastroenterologist who will conduct the endoscopy procedure to check the condition of my stomach.. this is because the medicine i have taken for 20 days, unfortunately, took no effect.. i still don't feel well..

yesterday, after the first debate in my leadership class, i left and met my mother in cubao.. we went to the hospital (De Los Santos Medical Center) to see Dr. Mario Adraneda. We waited in line for almost an hour but the consultation only took less than 5 minutes.. and that's already P400. anyway, he had given me no choice but endoscopy.. asap.. he wanted to have it tomorrow, but since i have an exam (and we don't have money yet), he scheduled it on wednesday.. 8:30am at the Jose Reyes Memorial Medical Center (friends, i need your prayers.. i have to admit that i'm scared.. scared of the procedure, scared of everything.. and i badly need your prayers.. sa ngayon, wala pa rin kameng pera, pero i know God will provide..)

sa lahat ng nangyayari sken ngayon: problema sa health, sa pera, sa studies (thesis presentation is on wednesday but i won't be able to present because one, i don't have anything good to present, and two, i'll be at the hospital), sa mga taong pilit akong sinasaktan at nilalaglag, at sa lahat ng hindi magandang bagay sa paligid ko na hindi ko na kailangan pang isa-isahin, bakit ang title ng post na ito ay 'affirmation'? bakit ko pa sinabing God moves in mysterious ways eh puro nga ako problema? narito po ang ilan sa mga dahilan..

i am able to say that God moves in mysterious ways because..

1. the endoscopy procedure costs P8500-10,000++ but i'll only pay P4000, same instrument, same doctor.

2. i received an affirmation last night, during our Christian Life Program.. my original plan was to just join the music ministry in singing the praise and worship songs tapos uwi na.. sa totoo lang, mas madali na akong mapagod ngayon.. my back aches more frequently and more intensely these days kaya hindi na ako makatagal ng mahabang oras na pag-upo, pagtayo.. however, last night was different.. i decided to stay.. inisip ko rin kasi, next Saturday malaki ang chance na hindi ako makakapunta sa CLP at dahil facilitator na si Melai at assistant nya si Velle, i need to support them.. i need to at least guide them in their first discussion with the participants.. and siguro nga, gusto rin talaga ni God na magstay ako.. because He spoke to me through Ate Liza, our speaker.. the topic was God's love' and i am affirmed that God does love me.. and that everything that i am going through right now is just a manifestation of His love for me.. ang hirap explain pero with all sincerity, ramdam ko talaga na mahal ako ng Diyos.. ^_^

3. my daughters in the community, Melai and Velle, will be with me through the procedure.. i know ibang klaseng sacrifice ang kelangan nilang gawin.. Melai has to wake up early, at si Velle naman, wala pang tulog galing sa work.. pero they are willing to be with me.. and it means a lot.. i'm not that strong, but because they will be there, i know i'll be fine.

4. i was able to enjoy the company of my brothers and sisters in the community this afternoon.. we had lunch together, jammed together, laughed together.. i swear it was fun.. at sobrang touched ako kasi kahit loko lang ni batchmate sidh, he held me when he sang this line: if i had only one friend left, i want it to be you.. wala lang..

5. and most importantly, nalaman ko ng mas maaga yung scolio ko.. salamat kay velle at sidh na nagtrace ng backbone ko at nagsabing magpatingin na ako kasi hindi pantay ang buto ko.. at hindi lang pagod ang cause ng back pain ko.. kung hindi sa payo nila, patuloy kong iisiping ulcer lang ang sakit ko.. at malamang, lumalala pa yung scolio ko..

sa lahat ng mga dahilang nabanggit ko, at sa marami pang ibang dahilan, alam ko at ramdam kong mahal ako ng Panginoon.. and i would like to take this chance to thank Him for everything He has done for me.. honestly, the content of my prayer is nothing but thanksgiving.. hindi ko nga magawang humiling pa sa Kanya eh..kasi sa dami ng binigay na Niya, ano pa bang hihilingin ko? sabi nga ni Ate Liza, God knows everything.. He knows our needs.. And He will provide.. i know He will..

this is my prayer.. and i'm sharing it because i'll never know who can be touched by it.. maybe someone else is going through the same situation that i'm in.. and maybe, my prayer is also somebody else's prayer.. here it goes..

My Lord, I praise and thank You for everything that You have done in my life.
Thank you for the trials - they have taught me to depend on You and to let go and let You move in my life.
Thank you for the heartaches and the pain of undeserved suffering - they have made me stronger and they have taught me what sacrificial and unconditional love truly mean.
Thank you for the little moments of laughter and joy - they have made me appreciate the beauty of life and the whole of Creation.
Thank you for the people that I meet everyday - they have taught me to love and accept others no matter how difficult they can sometimes be.
Thank you for the gift of life - I am given the chance to serve the purpose for which I was created.
Thank you for my sickness - it has taught me to live each day as if it's my last, to value each passing moment, to appreciate more.
Thank you for my family, for my true friends, for my daughters in the community, for my ates and kuyas, brothers and sisters (esp. Rhoan, Sidh, Alvin, and Kuya Don), and for my leaders (Kuya Pip and Ate Jing) who have been very much supportive and truly caring - their faith in me has caused me to have faith in myself. Through them, I feel You, i feel Your love.
Thank You for Your mercy. Thank You for Your love. Thank You for never leaving me. Thank You for accepting and loving me as I am - weak, imperfect, a sinner.
Loving and Perfect Father, I can't thank You enough for all the blessings that You have given me and my family.
I know that You know how broken I am, how sick I am, and I am confident that You will be my Healer, You will fix whatever is needed to be fixed in my life. Without You, I am nothing Lord, take me, mold me, use me. I am Yours, all Yours.
Lord, I know how much I have sinned against you and I humbly ask for forgiveness. I ask for Your grace to help me live each day for Your glory, doing Your will, and sharing Your word, Your love, and Your mercy.
You know me Lord. You know me very well. I can't ask for anything more. You have given me more than enough. And all my days, I will testify to Your goodness. I may have said too much but there's still much to be said. And You know it Lord, You know how much awe I have for You.
I love You Lord. I need You. I surrender and I offer everything to You. You are my God. You are Everything. Thank You.