i deserve God's best

checked my email tonight and was able to read Kuya Ryan's post about the online workshop registration for this year's MMC. i clicked on the link which led me to the SFC Global site. i browsed through the articles with no intention but to just browse. but everything happens for a reason, and in every little thing, God speaks. and tonight, He spoke to me through the article posted by Ate Kate Deiparine, written by Dolly Macam.

God spoke to me powerfully in this paragraph:
"Let us not settle for relationships that hurt more than heal; careers that makes us miserable; friendships that alienate us from God and our families; habits that lead us closer to death’s door than to the purposeful life God meant for us; pursuits that benefit no one but ourselves; and lives that are not patterned after God’s wonderful plan!"

after everything that i've been through in the last few weeks, there's no place i'd rather be than home (where my true family is), no person i'd rather be with than mama, papa, arnold, and a few true friends, and no other love i'd rather feel than God's unwavering, unconditional, and everlasting love, the kind of love which demands nothing, that which does not root from just a need, love, in its truest sense.

truly, i deserve nothing but the best, nothing but God's best. why would i settle for less?

i am a woman. i am not just some THING. i was made by God to love and be loved.

days ago, i received this message: "kapag pinapakita mo na kaya mo tanggapin lahat, mas lalo ka nilang sasaktan kasi iniisip nila na kaya mo naman dahil strong ka."

i am strong, but i am not emotionless, no matter how hard i wish i am.
i am strong, but i am not insensitive as others are (i know many of them).
i am strong, but that doesn't mean you can hurt me endlessly.

i am strong, that's why i'm moving forward with no intention to look back. i can't turn back time. if only toni braxton had found a way to unbreak a heart, uncry the tears, and undo the hurts, i would ask her to teach me how. but i guess she hasn't yet. i just don't think it's possible. but what i know is it's possible to have a future way way different from what WAS and IS. and i am determined to have that. and i am starting NOW.

today is the last day of my life (coincidentally also the last of the month), and the first day of my BETTER LIFE.

God made me realize everything little by little. everyday, something happens. His message came in the form of quotes, verses, situations, people, stress, frustrations, and even hurts and pains.

and today, May 31, my parents' 23rd wedding anniversary, God sent me not one, not two, but three life-changing messages:

1. Be with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy. Just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are.

2. Sometimes, you have to fight for something to make everything alright. You give your best and you give your all, yet you still lose. But if ever you get tired, tell Jesus, He'll take the fight and win it all for you.

3. You deserve God's best.

thanks to Annie, Mhalen, Shezha, Marshee, and Kuya Ryan who allowed themselves to be my angels today.

and to Ate Eden, for checking on me. (at least somebody cared. okay, i was wrong when i told She that i feel like nobody cares and nobody ever did care. there's somebody - there's Ate Eden and of course there's THEM ^_^)

and to THEM - my family (mama, papa, arnold). they're among God's best.

Kuya Ryan's blog post for today is entitled, "The Best May 31 Ever". i thought it was the opposite for me, but with all the realizations, with everything that God has revealed to me, i would say that today is one of the best days of my life.

two words: surrender and trust.

with that, i'm saying farewell to May and hello to June with high hopes of seeing the bright sunshine after the dark night and the heavy rain. ^_^

good night Philippines! ^_^

P.S.
just want to say this: the greatest commandment is to LOVE, not to USE. Love people, not things. Use things, not people.

yung bingi at yung nakakabingi.

1. BINGI.

Ako: Pa-load po.

Bingi: Smart o Globe?

Ako: Globe.

Kinuha ng bingi yung phone at binigay sken.

Bingi: Magkano?

Ako: 40 po.

Binigay ko ang buong P50.

Kinuha ng bingi at pumasok sa loob. Paglabas, inabot sken ang P20.

Ako: Ate sobra po. 40 po yung pinaload ko.

Bingi: Ay, 30 lang ni-load ko e.

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. FINE.

2. NAKAKABINGI.

Pagpasok ng bahay...

Nakakabingi (Pasigaw): San ka na naman galing?

Nabibingi: Kinausap po yung may-ari ng sasakyan.

Nakakabingi (Mas malakas na sigaw): Kumain ka na at magpahinga!

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY uli.

Gusto kong maglaho. Kung pwede lang. Kung kaya ko lang.

conversation with P

P: _ _ _ _ .. salamat mwah!

T: Salamat sa? You're welcome! (smiley)

P: Sa lahat. kahit pagod ka na, dyan ka pa din..

T: Walang anuman. Onga pala, as of today.... (report on what has been accomplished)

P: Huwaw! pano na kung walang _ _ _ _ _ _ (_ _ _ _) sa buhay ko. goodluck!

T: Hmm. E d walang makulit, walang magulo, walang pa-cute at pasaway. Kaso lang nandito ako e. Kya magtyaga ka muna. Hehe.

P: Hahaha.. napakahumble naman ng lambanang ito. hehehe

T: Ganun talaga ..*some text missing*.. kung gusto mo ng mayabang na sagot, bibigyan kita: Pag walang _ _ _ _ _ _ sa buhay ni _ _ _ _ _ _, may kulang na kahit kelan hindi mapupunan ng iba.

P: Hahaha.. tama! At tama! sa huling sinabi mo.

random conversations

It's 3 minutes past 3 in the morning. And I'm still awake. I said I'm already sleepy, right? But why can't I sleep? I've been trying to relax but a lot of things are flooding my mind. I wanna shout but I definitely can't do that. A few hours ago, my brother and I had a very intimate conversation. It actually started with a question. We exchanged ideas and thoughts. And the ending? Well, he's asleep now, and here I am, texting my thoughts out just so I can unload them. I wanted to blog but again, I can't do that because I'll be disturbing Mama and Papa who are sleeping where the computer is. Hay. If only I have a laptop. Oops! Did I just yawn?! Alright! I guess this time I can rest peacefully already. This is it! Sleep time. 3:17am. End.

26 May 2009

*****

wondering what my brother and i have talked about? it's confidential. :D

*****

yesterday, 27th of May, Mama's 53rd birthday, i went to T to meet with Sir G, COO of QC. (confidential muna yung details. next time ko na lang i-share. :D)

while waiting for him, i overheard Ms. A's conversation with a guy (who, I think, also works there). at first, they were talking about the Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho scandal. but the interesting part of their conversation was when Ms. A shared a text message.

Ms. A (reading a text message): Wag mong bibitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba. Simple diba? Eto, mas simple: Wag mong hahawakan pag alam mong hawak na ng iba. At ito ang pinakasimple sa pinakasimple: Wag kang hahawak pag alam mong may hawak ka na.

Ms. A (making a comment): Anong ibig sabihin nun? Bastos ba 'to?

(i'm making the best effort not to laugh. haha.)

Guy: Hindi. Tungkol sa relationships yan. Love. Tipong kung hindi mo kayang mapunta sa iba, wag mong pakawalan.

Ms. A: Ahh. Pano kung ayaw ko na sa kanya?

Guy: E di bitawan mo na. Pero kaya mo bang makitang hawak siya ng iba?

Ms. A: Oo. Kasi may hahawak na sakeng iba. (LOL)

:D

*****

then, i went to UP. when i got home, i had my late lunch/merienda/early dinner. unintentionally, i fell asleep while lying on our sofa. i woke up at around 7pm, and only then did i realize that i'm already late for the rehearsal. i know i told ate aike the night before that i may not be able to join the chorale for now, but i love it so much i simply couldn't let it go. and so i fixed myself and hurried to the CFC center.

while on the bus, yho texted. (i already erased the messages and so i'm typing our conversation from memory - except for mine. nasa sent items ko pa kasi. :D some parts may be omitted.)

yho: good evening yha!

yha: hi yho! papunta akong center ngayon. may practice kasi kame. grabe, late na ako. nakatulog kasi ako. hayz.

yho: ahehe. ok lang yan. at least nakatulog ka nang mahimbing.

yha: oo nga e. sobrang pagod kasi. nag-aayos kasi ako ng buhay ko. hehe.

yho: (waaah. nakalimutan ko yung reply ni yho.) haha. inaayos talaga? (something like that)

yha: hehe. oo. mababasa nyo siguro yun sa blog ko one of these days. pag sinipag akong magblog. haha. basta inaayos ko ang buhay ko.

yho: diba ang inaayos lang naman e yung sira?

yha (enlightened): hmm. may punto ka diyan. mali pala yung term ko. hindi dapat "inaayos" kasi in the 1st place, hindi naman sira ang buhay ko. umm, pano ko ba ipapaliwanag? basta may mga mali na dapat itama, may mga pangarap na dapat abutin, may mga bagay na dapat gawin. so yun ang ginagawa ko. sabi nga ni mama, it's time na sarili ko naman ang unahin ko.

we agreed to talk after the rehearsal pero si yho ay nakatulog na. at si yha, wala ng load. haha.

*****

the day's not over yet. eto pa ang natitirang activities ko:

1. practice with the kids (choir)

2. rehearsal @ EDSA Shrine for the Marian Concert tomorrow

at sa ngayon, pahinga muna. :D

magandang hapon pilipinas! ^_^

gusto ko lang magkwento

Hindi naman ako masipag mag-blog diba? Hindi masyado. :D

Gusto ko lang magkwento. Marami na kasi masyado yung thoughts sa mind ko that's why I need to unload.

Since Saturday, parang may mali. Hindi ko lang alam kung ano yun.

Sabi ko kay She, pagod lang siguro talaga ako.

Yesterday, Ate Flory and Elmar were here. Pinag-usapan namin yung mga concerns ng Reg sa nalalapit na pagtatapos ng CLP namin. At kahapon, naintindihan ko yung sinasabi ni Mars na iba talagang kausap ang mga taga-UP. may kwenta. Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang (Pero parang ganun na nga. Haha.), iba talaga ang level of understanding ng mga taga-UP. Haha. Sorry naman. I'm speaking from experience. :D Hindi ko 'to sinasabi dahil sa taga-UP ako. Sinasabi ko 'to kasi sa totoo lang, pag mga taga-UP yung kausap ko, hindi ako nahihirapan. Malawak ang pang-unawa nila. At higit sa lahat, may kwenta silang kausap! I'm not saying na walang kwentang kausap yung iba, pero basta iba ang mga taga-UP. At si Ate Flory, bilang dugong Peyups din gaya ko, ay isa na nga sa mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan kong pagsabihan ng mga damdamin kong hindi ko masabi sa iba kasi alam kong she would understand. At hindi nga ako nagkamali. Actually she was the one who asked me kung may problema raw ba. Natanong din kasi ni Elmar kung bakit ako naiyak that night? Yun nga, I told her my reasons. At ang nakakatuwa dun, pareho lang pala kame ng feeling. And we feel the same way dahil pareho ang level ng pag-iisip namin. We have the same goals, the same standards. Not exactly the same though, pero magka-level. Basta ganun. Kaya nagkakaintindihan kame. At sapat na yun. ^_^

Kanina, Ate Ghen asked me, "how are you bunso?"

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit, pero ang sagot ko sa kanya, "I would be lying kung sasabihin kong ok lang ako, Ate." Without further questions, she hugged me and said, "It's ok, bunso." It was very comforting. At na-appreciate ko yun. Maraming maraming salamat Ate Ghen. ^_^

Bago matapos ang araw ko, I mean bago ako matulog, (tapos na pala kasi ang araw. It's past 12 already, meaning, May 26 na ngayon.), gusto ko lang i-share yung mga bagay at taong tinuturing kong blessings sa nakalipas na araw.

1. Kids (Children's Choir) - sila yung mga bago kong "anak" na sobrang kukulit pero masaya kasama. kahapon lang naglaro pa kame. hehe. sumali talaga ako sa kanila. tapos nung dumating si elmar, sabi ni pogi sa kanya, "kuya, mamaya na lang, dun ka muna, naglalaro pa kasi kame e." haha. hay. i so love them. ang sarap lumabas ng bahay na sila yung sasalubong sa'yo. tapos habang naglalakad ka sa kalye, biglang may sisigaw nang malakas, "ATE AIZA!!" isn't that sweet? thank God for those kids. ^_^



2. Samantha - etong batang 'to, part na talaga ng family namin. at kanina sobrang natuwa ako kasi she was sooooooo sweet and thoughtful. paalis na kasi sila ni tita. actually, nakaalis na sila. pero bumalik pa talaga siya kasi hindi pa siya nakaka-hug at kiss sken. such an angel. hay. ayun. pagpasok niya ng bahay, lapit agad saken sabay hug. tapos umuwi na. hay. ang sweet sweet diba? sana hanggang sa paglaki ni sam, ako pa rin yung favorite ate niya. :)



at syempre, ang pamilya ko na kasabay kong kumain at nanood ng One Little of Tears. :D

ayun lang muna. na-realize ko lang, antok na pala ako. hehe. :D

good night and good morning Philippines! ^_^

sorry

last night, something happened. he said, "i already said sorry". "did she accept your apology?", i asked. he replied, "no. it's no longer my problem."

i've been thinking about his response. and i remember reading a comment on Ne-yo's version of Take A Bow.

just some thoughts, or rather reflections, if i may say so.

is sorry enough? i rephrase, is saying sorry enough? a famous line from Dao goes like this: kung pwede ang sorry, para saan pa ang pulis? and i remember hearing those words from him everytime i say sorry (back when we were still together).

based on what he said, and how he delivered it, i would say that to this guy, saying sorry is enough. it's as simple as "i did something bad. fine. i admit it. i'm sorry."

but, is it really enough?

to me it's not.

siguro yun nga yung nagiging problema. people tend to overuse the word "sorry", in the same way that they overuse, if not misuse, the words "i love you".

words are powerful. indeed. but words are not enough. there has to be action. there has to be sincerity.

hindi enough na may ginawa kang mali, tapos magso-sorry ka lang, ok na. vindicated ka na agad. and worse, you act as if everything's okay again kahit hindi pa naman talaga tinatanggap yung apology mo.

you can't say that "it's no longer your problem". in the first place, you gave her/him the reason to be mad at you. tapos sasabihin mong hindi mo na problema kung hindi man niya tanggapin yung apology mo? i don't know, to me it's a sign of being insensitive and irresponsible.

naalala ko lang, the same guy once said, "hindi mo na kailangan pang magpaliwanag. you already said sorry. tama na yun." (you don't need to explain yourself.)

yes, there may be times when you don't really need to explain yourself (especially when you're talking to people who would never understand because they don't want to understand, or even listen to whatever you have to say), but there are situations when you need to. because "sorry" is not enough. it's just a word. it's never enough.

a certain song goes like this: sorry seems to be the hardest word. and to that i agree. why? because "sorry" implies change, and along with it comes the responsibility to make things right. you don't just say sorry. you need to show that indeed you are sorry.

ang lungkot isipin pero ang katotohanan, may mga taong bumabalewala sa halaga ng salitang "patawad". at ang malala pa dun, minsan ginagawa na lang nilang rason yung salitang "sorry" para lang makasakit sila ng iba. tipong, "pwede namang mag-sorry diba? so pwede kitang saktan. mag-sosorry na lang ako pagkatapos."

parang ganito: "God will forgive me anyway, so I can commit as many mistakes as I want. He is a God of mercy, right? And He loves me right? I can always ask for forgiveness and come back to Him anytime."

narinig ko na yan sa isang kaibigan.

hay. should i say life's like that? that's the way it is? we're not in an ideal world. people are not perfect. and they're not saints, so don't expect them to be holy?

but aren't we called to a life of holiness?

i'm not sure if this is still connected and if i'm making sense. pardon me. i'm just typing my thoughts out. :D

we were given the greatest commandment, that is to LOVE. and a tagline from an old movie says, "love means never having to say you're sorry."

my point: do your best not to commit anything which would lead you to saying "sorry" in the future. do everything with love and out of love (and i mean LOVE in its truest sense). and most of all, be sensitive and responsible. ^_^

good night philippines! ^_^

blessed to be stressed

if i am to describe what i'm feeling right this moment, there's no better word than tired.

this afternoon, one of my bestfriends came over, and i am so thankful for that rare chance to see him again (after ages). we weren't able to spend a lot of time together because i have already committed to serve in the 6pm anticipated mass at Christ the King Church in Greenmeadows. but at least i was able to chat with him, and to me that's more than enough. i always go for quality rather than quantity. just like what i told him last night, "let's just make the most out of whatever time we have, however little that may be." ^_^

during the mass, God sent two powerful messages:

1. Forget fate. Have faith. those words were boldly printed on the shirt of a YFC member (we sang with them, by the way. ^_^) and it just hit me so i noted it down. i have always appreciated random words of wisdom and inspiration and i never neglect even the simple things for i know there's meaning and purpose in everything.

2. God is working with us, and through us. this was the essence of Bishop Martires' homily. and as he said, if we only realize that fact, then there's no need to worry about anything. for we are sure that no obstacle will ever be too great for us to overcome. we have God, how else can we ever lose?i remember this inspirational message which a sister once shared, the will of God won't take us where the grace of God can't keep us.

after the mass, we headed to Rosario for our CLP.

right after the worship, i decided to leave and take my dinner... alone. tonight was just one night when i felt the need to be alone, even for a while.

i was able to talk to a sister, someone i trust enough to tell about what i have been feeling. i didn't mean to cry. it wasn't intentional. but it just happened. one, because i really am tired, burned out, stressed and there's still a lot that i need to do. two, because i appreciated what that sister told me. it really helps to know that there are people who believe in you so so much. she was one of those few people who never judged me as someone weak. instead, she empowered me when she said that there's nothing i couldn't bear and overcome.

and true enough, there's really nothing i couldn't win over, because i have God.^_^

i'm tired. physically. and i believe that's normal. but no, i'm not weak. and yes ate flory, it's okay to cry. it's never a sign of weakness.

i may be stressed already, but hey, i'm blessed even more! and i am thankful for the so many responsibilities and commitments God has entrusted me with. He has called me by name, and I will heed His call.

before i take my much awaited and needed rest, i'd like to thank some people. i don't usually name names, but this time, i want to. because these people deserve to know how their hugs and words have comforted me, especially tonight.

thank you she.

thank you ate gems.

thank you ate flory.

thank you ate eden.

thank you ate ghen.

thank you ate dianne.

^_^

sleep time for me.

good morning philippines! ^_^

back home.

hay. kainis. namatay bigla yung pc. huhu. at syempre matatapos ko na dapat yung blog post ko about my vacation sa iloilo. kainis talaga! wala na, tamad na akong magkwento. hay nako. ang haba pa naman nun. :((

waaaah. kainis talaga. gustong-gusto kong magkwento! hay. cge na nga, magkukwento na ako. uulitin ko na lang. mula umpisa?? noooooooo! basta magtatype lang ako. sana naman wag na uli mamatay yung pc. hay.

ayan, eto ang naging buhay ko sa probinsya:

1. walang signal ang globe kaya smart ang gamit ko. wahay. opo, kung may signal man ang globe, one bar lang, dun pa sa kusina o di kaya sa labas. hahanapin mo pa talaga. at dahil naiinis akong magbasa ng "message sending failed", pinatay ko na lang yung phone ko. kaya sa mga nagtext, pasensya na po. sa airport ko na uli nabuksan yung phone ko.

2. mahirap ang tubig at kuryente. hay. kelangan pa bang imemorize yan? probinsya nga e. at wala kame sa siyudad, wala rin kame sa bayan, nasa baryo talaga kame.

3. naliligo ng naka-patadyong o nakadamit talaga. kasi wala ring banyong paliguan. hehe. ang saya no? natuto tuloy akong gumamit ng patadyong. manang na manang talaga. haha.

ayun lang. hay. kasi naman ang haba na ng natype ko kanina e. natamad na tuloy ako.

pero basta kahit pa nadulas ako sa putikan (kasi laging umuulan dun kaya sobrang maputik), nagdelikado ang buhay sa single (aka habal-habal) nang minsang sumakay kame ng pinsan kong babae papunta sa bayan at barubal magpatakbo si manong, nabasa ng ulan (kaya naman sobrang gininaw ako sa airport, delayed pa yung flight ko), kumain ng uga (tuyo) 3 times a day, iniyakan at pinag-awayan ng mga pinsan (gusto nila lahat tumabi sken), at higit sa lahat, umitim, sobrang nagpapasalamat pa rin ako kasi kahit sa maikling panahon, naexperience ko lahat ng iyon at nakasama ko yung mga pinsan, tita, tito, at lola ko. more than that, happy ako na napasaya ko sila, lalo na si lola on her 84th birthday.

kahapon, sobrang lungkot, ayokong umalis. actually, mixed emotions e. gusto ko ng bumalik dito kasi nga ang hirap ng buhay doon, pero ayoko rin namang iwan yung mga pinsan ko. sabi ko hindi ako iiyak. pero nung umiyak na si lola, wala na, iyak na rin ako. tapos habang nagpapaalam ako sa pinsan ko, ang bigat talaga sa dibdib. hay. pero life goes on ika nga. hindi naman din iyon ang huli naming pagkikita. napagkasunduan kasi na at least once every year, uuwi na kame dun. yung mga pinsan ko nagrerequest na umuwi ako dun sa December at doon magspend ng Christmas at New Year. hay. sana nga.

i went back to manila last night via Zest Air flight Z2 172. delayed ang flight namin kaya naman past 11 na ako nakarating dito sa bahay. at sobrang pagod talaga. ang tagal ko kayang naghintay sa airport ng iloilo. wala pa akong makausap. walang anything. hay. you could just imagine kung gaano kalungkot yung feeling. dadaan pa dapat ako sa CLP kaya lang nga pagsilip ko sa simbahan, wala na akong nakitang tao. so dumiretso na ako. isa pa, mabigat din yung dala ko.

pagdating sa bahay, hilamos agad! wohoo! ang sarap ng totoong tubig! haha. dun kasi tubig-ulan at tubig-poso yung pangligo e.

nagpalit ako ng beddings ng kama, at humiga na. wohoo! ang sarap humiga sa kama ko. na-miss ko talaga yung kwarto ko kaya naman ang sarap ng tulog ko. :D

kaninang umaga, back to service na uli. :) at grabe naman talaga, ang lupit ng comeback ko. pano ba naman, kame lang ni tin ang kumanta sa mass. duet? hehe. ako lang, si tin, at si kuya rhed ang nagserve. ayos! humabol si kuya toto at elmar. salamat sa kanila.

at ang pinakalamalupit nito, may bago na naman akong assignment. pagdating ni mrs. salazar, nung nakita niya ako, sabi niya, "sweetheart, diba ikaw yung tiga-lifehomes? what's your name again? pwede bang ikaw na ang youth coordinator naten? write your name here please." sabay bigay ng notebook na may listahan ng bago atang mini-parish "officers" if i may say so. ayun. yun lang. galing no?! pinabalik talaga ako ni Lord agad kasi may naghihintay na trabaho sken? hehe. oh well, i take everything as a blessing. so blessing ang panibagong service na yun. and i thank God for it. :)

sa totoo lang, hanggang sa ngayon, wala pa akong natetext. maliban kay ate aike at ayhie na naunang nagtext sken. ewan, may jetlag pa ata ako. haha. para namang galing ako sa ibang bansa. hay. naiisip ko mga pinsan ko. at syempre si mama. nandun pa kasi siya. dapat nandun pa rin ako e. kaso nga lang kelangan ko ng bumalik dito. sad. pero happy na rin.

sa mga susunod na araw, mag-isa lang ako dito. sa gabi ko lang makakasama si papa at si arnold na may mga trabaho. at sa mga panahong mag-isa akong kakain, i'll always remember what my cousin lester told me before i left, "manang, pag kakain ka na dun tapos mag-isa ka lang, tawag ka dito ha? para sabay-sabay tayong kakain."

waaaah. naiiyak na ako. hay. i miss them.

i love iloilo. i love cabatuan. i love tuy-an. but MANILA IS MY HOME here on earth. and i'm back home. :) salamat sa mga nag-welcome sa akin: ate diane, kuya toto, tin, kuya rhed, elmar, ate aike, ayhie, ate nheng, shezha. :)

by the way, to end this post, let me share these pictures. :D they were taken on the same spot but on different years. :D




see the difference? :D

yun lang. good evening manila! :) it's good to be home. :)

P.S. Congrats Manny! Ang galing mo! Grabe, 2 rounds lang ang tinagal ni Hatton.