walang pamagat..

kagabi, pinahiran ko ng gentian ang aking singaw.. ilang araw na rin akong pinahihirapan nito.. ang hirap magsalita dahil tumatama ang sugat sa ipin ko.. at ang resulta: lalo pang lumalaki at pumupula..

bago ko pa man din ipahid ang gentian, tumutulo na ang luha ko.. partly kasi natatakot akong baka masakit at hindi ko kayanin ang hapdi.. isa pang dahilan eh naiiyak na talaga ako..

narinig kong sinabi ng aking kapatid: "ate, pisikal lang yan, mas mahirap gamutin at mas masakit ang emotional na karamdaman."

mas lalo akong naiyak.. tama siya, mas mahirap ngang gamutin ang sugatang damdamin.. hay.. kung pwede lang mapawi ng halo-halo sa chowking ang lungkot at sakit na nararamdaman ko.. nararamdaman ng mga tao.. kung mapapahiran lang ng ice cream at cake ang mga luha.. ayos na sana eh.. kaso lang hindi ganun kadali yun.. hindi ganun kadaling makalimot.. hindi rin ganun kadaling maghilom ang sugat na dulot ng malalim na saksak sa damdamin..

ano ba naman unaiza, pitong buwan na ang nakakaraan, hanggang ngayon ba naman hindi ka pa tapos sa mga drama mong yan?

siguro nga hindi pa.. at para atang hindi rin ito matatapos ngayon o bukas o sa susunod na buwan.. pero hanggang kailan ako ganito? hanggang kailan ako iiyak?

marahil nga ay nagawa ko na ang pinakamaling desisyon na pwede kong magawa sa tanang buhay ko..

nagkamali nga ata ako.. kung maaari ko lang sanang ibalik ang panahon, patigilin ang oras, at ulitin lahat ng masasayang alala at karanasan..

sa totoo lang, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganitong pagsisisi.. nagkamali nga talaga ako.. hindi naman ako magsisisi kung tama ang naging desisyon ko..

sabi ni leyn sa isang text, pagkakataon daw kung matatagpuan mo ang isang pag-ibig.. nasa iyong pagpili kung tatagal ito o hindi..

sa buhay natin, laging may pagkakataon at laging may sitwasyon na kailangan nating piliing mangyari..

nagkamali ako sa pinili ko..

hindi ba sapat ang pagsisisi.. sabi nila lagi raw nasa huli ang pagsisisi.. oo nga naman, paano ka magsisisi kung hindi mo pa alam ang magiging kahinatnan ng desisyon mo..

pero ngayon ngang nagsisisi na ako, sapat na ba yun? sa nangyayari kasi parang hindi pa..

kailangan ko ba talagang pagdaanan ang lahat ng ito? wala bang kapatawaran ang ginawa ko?

sa paghahangad kong maayos ang lahat, lalo lang naging komplikado.. at ngayon, hindi ko na mabawi ang naging desisyon ko.. wala akong ibang masisi kundi sarili ko.. ganun din siya, ako ang sinisisi niya.. sino pa nga bang may kasalanan? ako naman talaga.. ako ang unang sumuko..

sana naging matatag na lang ako.. sana hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa..

ngayon, wala na talaga akong aasahan.. kahit anong dasal ko, hindi Niya ako pinakikinggan.. siguro sabi Niya, "ginusto mo yan, ikaw ang nagdesisyon niyan, ngayon, magdusa ka."

sa buong buhay ko, ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganitong pagkatalo at pagkalungkot..

hindi ko alam kung may pag-asa pa.. ayokong mawalan ng pag-asa pero ayoko na ring umasa.. pero hanggang kailan ako masasaktan?

akala ko dati tapos na ako sa ganitong drama.. hindi pa pala.. mukhang hindi talaga ako titigilan ng nakaraan..

maraming "sana", maraming "sayang".. pero ano pa nga bang magagawa ko?

sa tingin ko naman nagawa ko na ang lahat ng pwede kong magawa para maayos lang.. kahit na magmukha akong tanga.. kahit na ibaba ko ang sarili ko.. pero wala pa ring epekto.. ganun ba talaga kabigat ang kasalanan ko?

wala na ba talaga akong pwedeng gawin? nahihirapan na ako.. matagal na.. ang pinaniwalaan kong paraan para maayos ang gulong ito ay hindi naging tagumpay..

hanggang kailan ako ganito? hanggang saan ako dadalhin ng ganitong pakiramdam? hanggang kailan ako iiyak?

hindi ko rin alam ang kasagutan..

c'mon! emo raw ako..

from quizilla.com - what kind of music are you?

Emo - You are more easily hurt than you like to admit. A close relationship would help a lot, but you are usually too afraid to get close to anyone.life is hard, and sometimes its easier just to give in. Death Cab For Cutie, and Dashboard Confessional both express your personality through song and lyric.

Lenten reflections

lenten reflections

i felt hell during the past two weeks.. my semester ended just last wednesday (april 4) and it was only now that i could say that i've really had a break..

last wednesday i posted something about winning and losing in my blogs but i didn't give details.. i decided not to talk much about it.. not that i'm not over it yet but because i think there are better issues i should talk about.. nonetheless, i would include a bit about it here as i share some of the reflections that i had during the lenten season.

1. in life, you win some, you lose some..
>>i lost my first flash disk when i got hold of the penshoppe denimlab rockfest cd after buying a blouse, a shirt for my brother, and a bag..
>>last wednesday, Chikka Asia hired me as an intern but on the same day

well, i guess that's the way life goes.. God gives us enough victories to make us happy, and enough defeats to make us humble.. i realized that indeed, i've grown up as a person.. unlike before, i can now handle tough situations like i've mentioned above.. i no longer cry like a baby.. i've learned to let go and accept the things that have happened and would happen in the future..

sabi nga ni erap, weather weather lang yan.. kung hindi ukol, hindi bubukol.. siguro hindi lang talaga para sken yung flash disk na yun.. anyway, napalitan ko naman sya eh.. ng mas malaking memory.. 512mb lang yung unang flash disk ko, ngayon, 1gb na.. at yung naging kapalit ng chikka, ok na rin yun.. hindi naman ganun kalaki ang epekto niya.. sana lang wala ng hingin pang ibang requirements yung chikka.. briefing namin sa wednesday and i hope they would no longer ask us to submit additional documents..

2. loving isn't easy..
>>hindi totoo na masarap magmahal.. dahil ang pagmamahal ay may katumbas na sakit at hirap..

my brother and i participated in this year's penitential walk to antipolo.. we've been doing it for 3 years now and this year, nathan walked with us.. first time naming naglakad na walang pahinga.. sa tikling lang kami tumigil para kumain at magpahinga.. after regaining our strength, naglakad na uli kami hanggang sa 14th station of the cross..

i got my second reflection from the reflection in one of the stations na dinaanan namin..

sabi raw ng mga romantiko, masarap magmahal.. but we must be aware that loving also requires getting hurt.. yes, requirement talagang masaktan ka.. sabi nga dun sa reflection, kung madali lang daw para sa atin ang magmahal, baka raw hindi talaga tayo nagmamahal.. bakit hindi nga naman natin subukang mahalin ang mga taong hindi tayo kayang mahalin, mga taong hindi tayo pinapansin, mga taong walang pakialam at walang pagpapahalaga sa atin.. mahirap di ba? but that's the true measure of love.. loving the unlovable, loving without conditions..

sabi sa isang text message na natanggap ko from a friend.. loving unconditionally enables you to say "i love you but you don't have to love me back, i'll be fine."

ang sakit, ang hirap, pero ganun talaga eh..

"if loving means being loved, then i'm not loving enough.. if loving means being special, then i barely love.. but if loving means getting hurt, i guess i'm loving too much"

yes, indeed i'm loving too much.. and i'm fine with that.. at least i know what true love means.. and that makes me different from some people i know who don't take love seriously.. who are afraid of commitment..

there's this guy who told his ex that he still loves her.. the girl wants him back and is willing to "start all over again" but the guy said that he's fine with what they both have.. friendship to the next level.. sort of an open relationship.. he's not ready for a commitment yet.. but is love not enough to keep a commitment?

sad but true, the word "love" is already overused.. people say "i love you" frequently but they're not saying it from the heart.. and if they do, they don't really mean it because they don't understand what love is..

buti na lang hindi ako kabilang sa kanila..

mahirap magmahal lalo na ng taong hindi kayang suklian yung pagmamahal na binibigay mo.. gaya na lang ni Hesus.. minahal niya tayo, he suffered and died for us.. but are we loving Him well?

the following are among the questions Monsi has imposed during his homily last thursday:
*ano ang estado natin sa buhay para mahalin at patawarin tayo ng Diyos?
*ano ang estado natin sa buhay para pagkalooban tayo ng mga biyaya?
*anong ginagawa natin para mapasalamatan ang Panginoon sa lahat ng ginawa at binigay niya despite our unworthiness?

for the last part, i would like to share these beautiful text messages i have received during the Holy Week..

>>in the end what would matter is not what you bought but what you built; not what you got but what you gave; not your success but your significance; not what you learned but what you taught; not your competence but your character; not how long you will be remembered but by whom and for what. CHOOSE TO LIVE A LIFE THAT MATTERS.<<

>>there was a man who saw a scorpion almost drowning in water. he decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. the man still tried, but the scorpion stung him again. another man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion. but the man said: "it's the nature of the scorpion to sting. it's my nature to love. why should i give up my nature to love just because it's the nature of the scorpion to sting?" DON'T GIVE UP CARING, DON'T GIVE UP LOVING,DON'T GIVE UP YOUR GOODNESS, EVEN WHEN EVERYONE AROUND YOU STINGS.<<

>>why did God make the world round? so that no matter how small or insignificant you think you are, wherever you stand on it, you're still on top of the world.<<

>>in God's eyes love is always present. in God's heart forgiveness is always there. in God's embrace no one is ever alone.<<

>>He had no servants, yet they called Him Master. No college degree, yet they called Him Teacher. No medicines, yet they called Him Healer. No army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. Feel honored to serve such a Leader.<<

i hope we all had a meaningful Lenten season..

God bless everyone! =)

God moves in mysterious ways..

i can hardly believe that i have survived more than a week of sleepless nights, too much stress, several frustrations, sadness, loneliness, and all those negative feelings that a person has during difficult and trying times..

i had a very long day yesterday, which is just about to end (after this post)..

i woke up at 7am for our cs 173 presentation at the HP office in Ortigas, which is scheduled at 9am. i slept at 3am that morning because i was busy preparing the materials, at least my part, for the presentation.

my eyes can't seem to find a reason to open and all i could see in the mirror was their reddening. i thought, "how am i going to present with this look?" haggard/stressed out/burned out..

but i have to.. so i got out of bed, did my morning rituals, ate breakfast, took a bath, dressed up, and hurried to ortigas ave. ext. where i would be waiting for an fx bound to megamall/shangrila/crossing..

after almost 30 minutes of boredom (while waiting for the transpo), i finally got myself a ride.. i was surprised to know that there was a 3-peso increased in the fare.. a ride from Lifehomes to Megamall costed P15 before but now it's already P18..

anyway, i arrived at the San Miguel Properties Center at around 9:30 (my official time, which is 15 minutes advanced).. i thought i was late but no, i was among the earliest, if not the earliest..

my groupmate texted me that she's already there and she's staying at the San Mig Cafe.. i went there and stayed for i guess an hour or so, while waiting for our other groupmates.

ma'am des has called me twice asking when are we going to go up.. finally, our groupmate arrived and so we hurried to the seventh floor and prepared ourselves for the presentation..

it was VERY cold inside the HP Office.. and i could already feel my complaining tummy.. good thing there was Yellow Cab pizza to feed our hungry stomachs with..

finally, we were called to present at the puerto princesa room (we stayed at the bacolod room while waiting for our turn).. i was the first speaker and due to the extreme coldness inside the room, i felt numb, and for awhile, i couldn't speak..

despite and inspite of everything, the defective cd, the cold temperature, and everything else, still, we were able to get through.. we just sighed as soon as we got out of the room..

one down, one more to go.. i have a final paper due at 5pm.. i had second thoughts as to whether i'll do the paper in school or at home.. but after some time thinking which is a better choice, i decided to go home and do the paper in my PC.. one reason is that i'm no longer comfortable with what i was wearing (sandals with heels, slacks, three-fourths with black upper undergarment), and another was the possibility that i may get distracted at the sight of panicking students and some other factors..

i had only 2 hours to finish the paper so that added to the tension that i already feel..

fortunately, i was able to organize my thoughts and came up with a four-page paper..

but here's the twist: printing services are nowhere to be found. firewall's printer's broken, there's a power interruption in katipunan, and the last of the better options that i have, the computer shop at the back of vinzon's hall, has no ink..

hell. its 5pm already. i went to the shopping center, my last resort.. and thank goodness, i finally got hold of the printed paper..

i ran to the faculty center and i arrived just in the nick of time. the english department was about to close and the staff responsible for accepting submissions was already collecting the papers and placing them in the proper pigeonhole.. i hurriedly gave her my paper and whew! what a relief..

i called up my mother to release the tension that i feel..

i headed to the adoration chapel of our parish and when i got in, i immediately started crying.. i didn't mind even if i wasn't able to bring a hankie with me.. i just cried and cried and cried..

i was like "thank you Lord! i'm alive!"

when i felt that i've thanked God enough, and i have released what i supposed to release, including the tears, the tension, and everything else, i decided to leave..

before going home, i lighted a candle for my Lolo, his dad, my brother, my uncles, and everyone who has gone before us..

i went home to prepare myself for our baptism (SFC-CLP)..

salamat sa isang brother na may mabuting kalooban (sidh), sa kanyang pagpayag na makiangkas ako sa bike niya para hindi na ako mapagod sa paglalakad pauwi.. =)

when i got home, i had but one thing in mind: thank you Lord!

i missed my xanga blog!

check out my updated and revived xanga blog.. =)

got this survey from mars..

1.YOUR NAME:
~ unaiza

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:
(first three letters of your name,
plus izzle)
~ unaizzle >>sounds cool! haha!

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:
(favorite color and fav animal)
~ pink puppy >>nice name for a detective.. so girly..

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:
(middle name, and current street name)
~ martinete quirino >>ano raw?!

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last
name, first 2 letters of your first
name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden
name)
~ garunmar >>hmm.. pwede di ba? haha! out of this world talaga!

6. SUPERHERO NAME:
(2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
~ blue milo >>aww.. medyo corny pero sakto lang for kids.. hehe..

7. IRAQI NAME:
(2nd letter of your
first name, 3rd letter of your last
name, any letter of your middle name,
2nd letter of your moms maiden name,
2nd letter of you dads middle name,
1st letter of a siblings first name,
~ nreasa >>whatever!

8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
(fathers middle name)
~ vote chiz escu_dero for senator! hehe.. supply the missing letter to get my father's middle name..

9. GOTH NAME:
(3rd favorite color, and the name one
of your pets)
~ purple angel >>doesn't sound like a goth name.. more of a cartoon character.. haha!

what the hell is happening?

i can't do anything.. everytime i try to sign in (friendster, yahoo mail, facebox, etc), firefox crashes.. what's wrong with my accounts? are they all corrupted? i hope this one gets published..

what am i suppose to say here? i guess i'll just share the highlights of my week.. i spent almost the whole of my tuesday with him and his family. it was his father's birthday and i had a really nice time with them..

its just sad that vincci didn't show up and the tweet2 people were so disappointed.. well, who wouldn't be? we were so excited to see him again after such a long time but he failed us..

yesterday was not a happy day.. it was full of stress and tension.. i studied for the exam but it didn't seem enough.. i guess my brain's gotten cold as well that's why it didn't function as much as it supposed to..

today, i'm still not feeling lucky.. i guess i have to hope for a better week next week.. and in the weeks to come.. by the way, today's my freedom day! freedom from the stressful tutorials.. finally, i own my time.. and i think it's great.. i'll have more time for my studies now and i better use that time wisely.

i love pink!

Your signature color is Pink Chiffon


There's nothing saccharine about you — your sweetness is one hundred percent natural! A gentle, thoughtful romantic like you must be paired with a color that's soft and warm — but still has a subtle sophisticated sheen. That's why Pink Chiffon is the perfect color for you! You're probably known for making the most of every situation and trying to see the best in people. But while you may be cheerful and innocent at times, you're nobody's fool. You may see the world through rose-colored glasses, but you can still see, after all.

While you make wise insights time after time, it's probably your good nature and perpetual optimism that are what you're known for and what make you a joy to be around. Even those who sometimes make fun of your Pollyanna-like proclamations will turn to you when they need a friend and some cheering up. So keep pink, Chiffon. With you around, the world's a better place!


What's Your Signature Color?

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