isang araw..

whew! what a day! mahaba pa ang araw at marami pang pwedeng mangyari.. pero at least i have one reason to be happy.. sa wakas nakasama ko uli sina dan at binoy.. grabe, sobrang na-miss ko yung mga mokong na yun.. hay.. buti na lang sumakto ang mga bakanteng oras namin kaya nakapagkita kame at nagkasabay pa maglunch [kasama si jenny]..

nga pala, nakakawindang ang umaga ko kanina.. i witnessed an accident and mind you, sobrang apektado talaga ako.. nabangga yung isang estudyante na pasahero ng jeep na sinasakyan ko.. pagbaba niya, tumawid siya agad.. hindi na siguro kinaya ng preno ng owner kaya tinamaan siya.. ang lakas ng impact kasi tumama yung ulo ng guy sa semento e.. talagang plakda siya.. at yung owner, napunta sa kabilang lane.. buti na lang walang kasalubong na sasakyan kaya walang ibang nadamay.. dala na rin siguro ng pag-iwas niya yun.. pero worried talaga ako sa estudyante.. buti na lang may mga dumating na kaminero para buhatin siya.. medyo comedy pa nga kasi sabi niya ok lang daw siya.. kaya pa raw niya pumasok.. halller?? hindi na nga siya halos makabangon e.. and that made me realize, pag tga-UP talaga, matapang.. kahit hindi na makalakad, pipiliin pa ring pumasok.. hay.. naalala ko tuloy yung interview ko dati sa enggsoc.. tinanong nila ako kung papasok pa rin daw ako kahit may sakit ako.. sagot ko oo hangga't kaya ko.. yan ang dugong peyups, di sumusuko.. haha.. parang nung isang araw ko lang sinabing suko na ako.. hay..

hanggang sa muli.. marami pa akong gustong idaldal pero masyadong personal e.. basta pasama na lang ako sa prayers niyo.. maraming salamat.. at don't worry, ayos lang ako.. stressed ako, oo pero nakakangiti pa rin.. God loves me and that is enough reason to keep me going..

God bless everyone! =)

deadliest deadline..

around two hours before the deadliest deadline

it's 9:50 already.. and i'm already desperate.. i texted my daughters.. i miss them already.. i wanted to text him, but how? wala syang phone.. and that made me even desperate..

i have to finish and submit the machine problem before midnight and as of this moment, i'm far from getting done.. i can't move on.. i have three subroutines and one main function, and i don't know what to do next.. this is crucial.. if i won't make it tonight, it's a sure fail.. and i'm torn.. one part of me says, 'give up! you have another semester', and another part says 'keep trying'.. ok, i'll try..

***********************************************************************************************
30 minutes before the deadliest deadline

11:30pm.. i'm still going nowhere.. suko na ba ako? sabi ng mga anak ko, wala raw sa lahi namin ang sumusuko.. yes, we're strong.. pero alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ang kaya ko.. and this time, hindi ko na ata kaya.. kahit anong pilit ko, mukhang wala na talaga akong magagawa.. and ayoko mang sabihin 'to pero suko na ako.. =(

i'm sure may good side din naman 'to.. i'll have more time to focus on my other subjects.. lalo na sa thesis.. hay.. cge lang aiza, convince yourself that you did the right thing.. believe that everything has a reason and that God has a better plan..

bago pala ako matulog at tumakas sa problemang 'to, gusto ko lang magpasalamat sa mga taong naniwalang kaya ko 'to.. kuya don, kuya tirso, melai, at velle.. pasensya na kung sumuko ako.. alam ko maiintindihan niyo.. salamat sa words of encouragement.. thanks for believing in me..

to jen, joebet, and dj, thanks for the help..

oo, suko na ako.. pero eto na ang huling pagkakataong susuko ako..

hindi ko lang talaga kinaya ngayon.. wala kasi akong lakas.. pa'no, paalam na muna..

punta muna ako sa mundong walang problema.. sa neverland.. kung saan lahat ng panaginip ko natutupad.. tulog muna ako.. [sa wakas, matutulog ako ng gabi pa..lagi na lang kasing madaling araw ang tulog ko e]

God bless everyone!

i'm fine..

"God is too wise to be mistaken, God is too good to be unkind. So when you don't understand, when you don't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart."

i received this message yesterday, just when i'm about to give up and break down.. let's just say that somehow, this message has saved me.. and i thank velle for sending me this message just when i needed it most..

how can i be totally broken again just when i thought i'm completely healed? why am i dying again? hell! don't i have the right to be happy forever? how long will i suffer? how long?


"..a God of faithfulness and without injustice, good and upright is He.." yan na lang ang paulit-ulit kong kinakanta sa isip ko.. just to convince myself that everything happens for a reason.. that God has a purpose and a better plan.. that after this storm, the sun will rise again and my days will be bright again..

sa ngayon, wala talaga akong naiintindihan.. i have nothing but questions in my mind.. mga tanong na hindi ko pa mahanapan ng sagot.. "why Lord?", that's all i can say.. pero kahit mahirap, although it's killing me, i'm willing to go through this pain.. wala naman kasi akong choice.. i can't escape.. i have nowhere to go.. nowhere to hide.. hindi ko mahanap yung 'mundo'namin.. wala rin siya para ilipad ako sa lugar ng pag-asa.. kaya ko ba 'to? err.. hay.. gusto kong sumigaw.. ayaw magbeat ng heart ko.. ang sakit sobra.. ang gulo..

i'm waiting.. and i'll be waiting.. hanggang sa matapos lahat ng 'to.. hanggang sa magising ako na ok na lahat.. sabi ng green day, 'wake me up when september ends'.. sabi ko naman, 'wake me up when this pain is over'.. i would like to think of this as a bad dream, a nightmare.. magigising din ako.. at sana paggising ko, nandito ka na, ok na lahat, masaya na uli, wala ng problema..

"when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with You above the storm.. Father You are King over the flood, i will be still, know You are God" [kuya don, salamat din dito]