every girl has a story to tell.. and this is my story.. [long post]

for the past three months, i've been talking mostly about my health. yun kasi struggle ko sa ngayon.. pero little by little, nakakalusot naman kame.. sabi ko last time hindi ko pa nakakausap si Dr. Oreta. last Tuesday, nakausap ko na siya. again, hindi na naman maganda yung balita niya. pero good thing kasi yung sinabi kong sablay sa blood test, ok lang naman pala. sabi kasi niya ang importante naman daw dun e yung hemoglobin ko. so yun, after the check up, gumawa na siya ng referral para sa therapy ko. he warned me na masakit daw yung ibang gagawin lalo na yung deep massage pero kelangan ko raw tiisin. hay. ano pa nga ba? wala naman talaga akong magagawa kundi magtiis. that day, inayos ko na rin yung papers para sa PGH at yung thyroid test. Naloka lang ako kasi P1065 daw yung thyroid tests. tatlong test pala kasi yun, FT3, T4, TSH. P100 na lang pera ko nun kasi P350 yung consultation kay Dr. Oreta. By the way, discounted pa yun. Sabi ni Ate Janet, yung secretary ni Doc, P700 daw talaga dapat kasi nga forever ata ako sa loob ng room, PT rin kasi si Dr. O kaya nagsample na siya ng therapy. Anyway, yun nga, naglunch na lang muna kame ni Alpha. Salamat na lang at kasama ko siya. Punta na dapat kame sa PGH kasi naayos ko na yung referral papers and stuffs pero buti na lang we're smart enough para magdecide na tumawag na lang muna para itanong kung magkano yung CT scan. Windang na naman ako. P6300 daw. May student discount na yun. Goodluck naman diba? hay. umuwi na lang kame. naturally, windang din sina mama. hindi na nila alam kung saan kame uutang. at ako naman, depressed na rin. sabi ko nga kina jenny at mars, sana hindi ko na lang nalaman na may sakit ako. malamang normal pa buhay ko ngayon at hindi pa kame namomroblema nang ganito. aaminin ko, pagod na talaga ako. mula tuesday hanggang thursday, wala akong ginawa kundi pumunta kina ate lilia para makitawag. tinawagan ko na halos lahat ng government hospitals para maghanap ng murang CT scan, murang therapy. pero pare-pareho lang yung presyo. and i tell you, wala na talaga kameng pera. sobrang nasasaktan ako kasi nakikita kong nahihirapan sina mama. hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. hinga muna, baka maiyak na ako. ayun, wala lang. sobrang nakakapagod at nakakapanghina na talaga. ang dami ng na-sacrifice para sken. masakit sa part ko na kelangang huminto sa pag-aaral ng brother ko just to give way for my medication. one time nag-uusap sina mama at papa tungkol sa pagpapagamot ko, by the way, i haven't told you yet, may gamot ako ngayon na P100/tablet. kamusta naman yun diba? at patunay yun na hindi gumaganda yung condition ko kasi mas malakas yun sa previous medicine ko. yun nga, nag-uusap sina mama at hindi ko talaga kinaya kasi nakikita ko kung gaano sila nawiwindang sa mga gastusin ko. pumasok ako sa kwarto at dun nakipag-usap sa best friend kong si God. i told Him how tired i am. sabi ko nga, hindi ako nagtatanong kung bakit nangyayari 'to. tinatanggap ko lahat kasi alam ko may dahilan, pero sana naman wag Niyang idamay ang pamilya ko. i know i'm not perfect. i am a sinner. kahit pa sabihing nasa isang Christian community ako, hindi pa rin ako santo. and i recognize the fact that sometimes sickness is caused by sins. pero ako lang naman ang nagkasala, bakit kelangang pati pamilya ko parusahan? i begged Him to spare my family. sabi ko nga sa Kanya, "just take me, do whatever You want. my life is in You, but please, please, spare my family." hindi ko pa natatanggap yung reply Niya. pero i know He heard me.

may isa pa palang hindi magandang news. i already saw my grades. ok naman yung iba pero dun sa isang subject, nakakaloko talaga. maybe i was expecting too much pero alam ko naman kasi kung anong performance ko sa class. and i really believe that i deserve a higher grade. grade conscious ba ako? hindi naman. ngayon lang din naman nangyari 'to na hindi ako kuntento sa grade ko. alam ko kasing i performed well sa class. and yung isa pang problem, hindi man lang nila pinakita yung raw scores namin. i have no idea how the hell did they compute our grades. at hindi lang ako yung nagrereklamo. kaya malamang talaga, may mali sa kanila. i'll just wait for their reply. basta mapakita lang nila kung saan nila kinuha yung grade ko, hindi na ako magtatanong pa. anyway, ang importante naman e yung mga natutunan ko sa class.

despite all of these bullshits, smile pa rin ako. lagi ko ngang sinasabi sa mga nakakausap ko, sayang naman ang ganda ko. hehe. besides, there's still a lot of reasons to be happy. kasama na dun yung mga taong nagmamahal saken maliban sa pamilya ko.

jat: last Sunday, pumunta siya dito para ibigay yung pasalubong niya (for me and our daughters) from Baguio. and he also bought me an ice cream. how thoughtful, how selecta. hehe. basta yun, tamang dalaw lang. and super thankful ako kasi we're better now more than ever.

melai & velle: i texted them to ask for prayers. and i took the chance to ask if they have extra money for my thyroid test. velle said she hasn't but assured me that God will provide. mel didn't reply but we were all surprised to see her that afternoon. pumunta siya dito para ibigay yung pera. tama nga si jat, melai and velle are really our angels. sobrang blessing talaga na sila yung mga naging anak ko sa community. and sobrang thankful ako na sa kabila ng lahat ng nangyari, buo pa rin kameng 'pamilya'.

jenny, mars, boi, mark, wewe: sila yung madalas kong kausap sa text. at sila rin yung mga taong hindi nagsasawang magsabing 'kaya mo yan'. hindi ko man sila nakikita at nakakasama, ramdam ko naman yung concern nila. they proved to me that friendship is never measured in distance. you can be kilometers apart but remain to be the best of friends.

alpha: ang tanging maaasahan pagdating sa mga lakaran. siya ang masipag at matiyagang kasama ko sa pagpunta sa mga doctor, hospital, at kung saan ko kailangang pumunta. i really appreciate the company of this girl.

alvin & cris (SFC Taytay Chapter): outside our chapter, sila yung closest SFC friends ko. sobrang na-aappreciate ko ang pagdalaw nila. kung tutuusin, malayo sila sken but they managed to find the time para puntahan at kamustahin ako. [nasan na kaya yung mga taong malalapit lang? busy ata sila masyado.]

ate lilia: na walang sawang nagpapagamit ng telepono nila nang walang bayad. kung sa kanto ako nakikitawag, malamang more than P50 na rin yung nagastos ko.

at syempre sa lahat ng taong nagtetxt, nagdarasal, basta sa lahat ng may pakialam sa buhay ko, maraming salamat! ^_^

sabi ko nga kanina, little by little, nakakalusot kame sa mga problemang 'to. yesterday, friday, nakapagpakuha na po ako ng dugo para sa thyroid tests. sa monday ko makukuha yung results. salamat kay melai. pumunta rin kame ni alpha sa phil. orthopedic center para mag-inquire sa therapy. naayos ko na po. start na ako sa monday. dapat nga kahapon na rin kaya lang kulang na yung pera ko. nakahanap na rin ako ng mauupahan malapit sa ortho, P100/day, P1400/month. ok naman yung place.

malamang, ito na muna ang huling post ko. i'll be offline in the next two weeks. punta po muna ako sa banawe for my therapy. dun muna ako magstay malapit sa phil. orthopedic center. sabi ni jenny baka ma-bore daw ako pero sabi ko malapit lang naman yun sa sto. domingo church kaya may mapupuntahan ako kung sakaling ayoko na dun sa dorm. =p

sa mga gustong dumalaw, kung meron man, hehe, text muna kayo ha? bawal surprise visit. basta text kayo tsaka dala rin kayong pera, maraming kainan malapit dun e. libre niyo ako. haha! just kidding. natatawa nga ako kay mark e. nung sinabi ko kasing magstay muna ako sa banawe, sabi niya pasalubong daw. haha. sabi ko sa q.c. lang yun. kamusta naman? anong mabibili ko dun? kamote que, banana que, tsaka mga nakaw na parts ng auto, motor.. haha.. yun kasi madami dun e. sabi nga ni alvin marami raw snatcher dun. ay sori na lang sila, wala silang makukuha sken. hindi ko pa alam kung saan kukuha ng pera pero as always, naniniwala akong God will provide. after ng therapy, tsaka na kame babalik kay Dr. Mario para sa tiyan ko. hopefully by then, may pera na rin kame for CT scan. isa-isa lang muna. nakakaloka pag sabay-sabay e. in the meantime, aasa muna ako sa gamot na binigay niya. may gamot din akong iinumin kasabay ng therapy kaya sa isang araw, 6 na gamot ang iinumin ko. goodluck, hindi kaya ako ma-high nun? hehe.

i've said too much again. masanay na kayo. hehe. paalam muna ha? don't worry, balitaan ko kayo pagbalik ko. kung may laptop lang ako e di sana araw-araw dadaldal ako di ba? pahiram munang laptop! haha.

before i end this post, share ko muna yung ilan sa mga text message na natanggap ko lately. wala lang, sasamantalahin ko na ang pagkakataon, medyo matagal mawawala ang prinsesa e. *wink*

~: According to Mike Murdock's Law of Recognition, everything you need is already in your life, merely awaiting your recognition of it. Anything unrecognized remains uncelebrated by you. Anything you refuse to celebrate eventually exits your life - a gift, a miracle, or a person. Don't miss that chance. Look around. Appreciate. Do and say what you feel.~ [I've learned this lesson now more than ever.]

~: Kung pinagsasalitaan ka ng masasakit ng kaibigan mo, wag ka magalit. Sabi nga ni Donkey kay Shrek: "Only true friends will be cruelly honest."~ [Ehem, sino kayang tinamaan. Ehem. Think about it peeps.]

~: I am single not because I have no choice. I'm single not because people don't want to get along with me. I'm single not because I don't receive love. In fact, I'm single because I'm much loved by the people around me that I don't need someone to complete me.~ [Haha! Very true! Sabi ko nga kina Alvin kagabi, ayoko ng magkamali uli. =p]

~: Can't find the right words for a certain situation? Just give that person a hug. Words have the potential to confuse, but hugs never lie.~ [I agree. Kaya nga love ko si JC e. He doesn't say anything, he just hugs me. At eto ang pinakamagandang message na natanggap ko from him: Ssshhh..........*huuugggg*]

~: I asked for STRENGTH, and God gave me DIFFICULTIES to make me STRONG. I asked for WISDOM, and God gave me PROBLEMS to SOLVE. I asked for PROSPERITY, and God gave me BRAINS and SKILLS to WORK. I asked for COURAGE, and God gave me DANGER to OVERCOME. I asked for LOVE, and God gave me TROUBLED people to HELP. I asked for FAVORS, and God gave me OPPORTUNITIES. I received NOTHING I WANTED but EVERYTHING I NEEDED.~ [enough said. sakto!]

~: Sometimes, the people who are afraid of having commitment are the persons who know the real meaning of it.~ [siguro nga.]

~: You can't force yourself to forget something. Because the only reason why we forget is when a better memory has taken its place.~ [I agree. yun lang. hehe. baka kung ano pa masabi ko e. *wink*]

~: Some were saying "erasers are for people who make errors." But the wise said, "erasers are for people who are willing to correct their mistakes." [Oo nga naman.]

~: It's not how long it took you to finish school that matters. It's what you have learned about life, about others, about yourself, and about everything else, and using it to be a better person that matters most. Too bad, hindi yun reflected sa transcript.~ [Sabi ni chai excuse daw 'to pero kung iisipin mo, tama rin naman diba? Syempre biased ako. Hehe.]

~: If 'Plan A' doesn't work out, don't worry because you've got 25 more letters.~ [Nice noh? Very positive. ^_^]

~: Things just happen, things that we may never understand.. but we just have to believe that it's for the best, even if it doesn't always seem that way.~ [very true.]

~: God wants us to live like the grass. Even if it is stepped on, crushed, burned, and cut, it always persists and grows back even greener and stronger.~ [let's be like the grass. ^_^]

~: If you aren't willing to risk it all, then you don't want it so bad.~ [yes.]

~: At times you're sad about what's going on with your life, just remember one permanent fact: everything changes. Tomorrow might be diffrerent.~ [this is one of my favorites. ang ganda lang talaga.]

~: Don't just easily neglect an effort of a person to keep in touch. People get tired. It's not at all times that they hold on.~ [oo nga naman. kaya never take me for granted. dahil pag napagod ako, wala na talaga. learn from him. hehe. pero minsan, guilty rin ako dito e. lalo na pag walang load. tsaka pag sobrang kulit na. lam niyo yun, minsan kasi pag super na-entertain mo yung tao, namimis-understood ka. nagiging feelingero/feelingera na. bad din naman yun.]

~: Can love really last a lifetime? Answer: Scientists found that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that last 12-18 months. After that, you and your partner are on your own. Love can absolutely last for a lifetime as desired to be maintained. Meaning, it's your choice. Bottom line: IT WILL LAST, if you know how to commit. -Readers Digest~ [naman! sana mabasa 'to ng dapat makabasa! haha!]

here are some other lines from movies i've watched lately. syempre puro movie marathon na lang ako.

"Dreams do come true. A different life is possible." -Ling, Two Tigers

"Live free, die well." -The Rock, Scorpion King

"Maybe, there is such a thing as destiny." -Liz, Next

"Beauty is the summation of the parts working together in such a way that nothing should be added, taken away, or altered." -Nicholas Cage, Next

yun lang po. i warned you this is a long post. =p sayang ang pagkakataon e. again, starting Monday, sa Banawe po muna ako. don't worry, i'll be fine.

hehe. wala lang. may naalala lang ako. i really love this neyo song: please don't worry 'bout me i'm fine. only gonna play the fool one time. trust me when i say, that i'll be okay. ^_^

hanggang sa muli. paalam muna. ang prinsesa ay hahayo muna sa ibang kaharian.

God bless everyone! ^_^

~Nothing's real until you let go completely. - Sober, Kelly Clarkson~

~A good mind is not necessarily an intelligent mind. The question is not so much how best to develop our mind, but rather how our mind can fulfill its main purpose, to love God.~

in sickness and in health.. [the little miracles that happen everyday]

Last Saturday, 5th of April, Mama and I went to the hospital (De Los Santos Medical Center) again for my check up with my gastroenterologist, Dr. Mario Adraneda. While I was lying on the bed, I could see the worry on my doctor's eyes. He asked his secretary to call someone, another doctor by the name Tony Ramos. Unfortunately, he isn't around until Friday of next week. Dr. Mario was really tensed and worried, but we had no idea what the problem was. He wanted me to undergo ultrasound and CT scan asap. He told his secretary to call the ultrasound department. He talked to the person in charged and he told her something like: "I have a patient here. May severe pain eh. Paki-scout naman, parang may nagpupulsate na mass." After that, he told us to go downstairs, look for Violy, and she will take care of us. By the way, before I forget, his secretary, Ate Cecille, is also a member of the community (Couples for Christ) and we belong to the same sector, East A. Small world isn't it? ^_^

Moving on, we went to the ultrasound room and waited for our turn. Wala na kameng pera, P500 lang yung dala ni Mama at yung P400, binayad na namin kay Dr. Mario. I texted Kuya Tirso kasi siya lang ang kilala kong may motor. Hindi pwede si Papa kasi may byahe siya that time. I asked Kuya Pip kung pwede niya kameng dalhan ng pera kasi wala na talaga kameng pambayad. Sabi ni Kuya, may P600 daw siya kaya lang nasa Katipunan pa siya at 5pm pa matatapos yung activity nila.

Tinawag na ako for ultrasound. Bahala na. I stayed for around 5-10 minutes inside the room. Ganun pala yung ultrasound, may gel.. hehe.. I didn't know that. The last time I had ultrasound, hindi naman ganun. Transrectal kaya walang gel. After the procedure, binigay ni Ms. Violy yung result and the good thing was, hindi niya kame pinagbayad, sagot na daw ni Doc Mario. Whew talaga! Pagbalik namin sa room ni Dr. A, sabi niya normal naman daw, but he advised us to see Dr. Tony. Again, wala na kameng pera, kaya kinausap muna ni Mama si Dr. Tony. Tinanong niya kung hanggang anong siya nandun kasi nga maghahanap muna kame ng pambayad. But God is good talaga, He sends good people when they are needed the most. Sabi ni Dr. Tony, hindi namin siya kelangang bayaran. Bumalik lang siya para sken, kasi tinawagan siya ni Dr. Mario para tingnan ako. Dr. Tony Ramos is a thoracic and vascular surgeon at galing pa siya ng Lung Center. And mind you, sobrang traffic sa E. Rodriguez at that time. Ang bait niya talaga, at salamat na lang kasi si Dr. Mario ang doctor ko. Sabi nga ni Dr. Tony, sobrang bait daw talaga ni Dr. Mario kaya hindi niya kayang hindian. Dun lang namin nalaman na sobrang nag-aalala si Dr. Mario kasi ang hinala niya, may aneurism ako. At sabi nga ni Dr. Tony, nakakabahala talaga yun. Buti na lang at normal ang result ng ultrasound ko. Pero hindi pa rin ako ligtas, I still need to undergo CT scan of the abdomen asap. May isa pang test na pinapagawa, FT3T4, which has something to do with the thyroid. Alarming na raw kasi yung patuloy na pagbawas ng timbang ko despite the fact na malakas naman akong kumain. Eto yung last three weights ko in pounds: 79.8, 79.1, 78.5. I never reached 40 kgs. Naglalaro lang sa 34-36kgs. At sabi ni Dr. Mario, baka raw may goiter ako sa loob. That's what he wants to confirm. Ang dami ko ng tests at ang laki na rin ng nagagastos namin. Last Tuesday, April 1, pumunta ako sa ortho ko at hindi rin maganda yung balita niya. He wanted to admit me but I told him that we don't have the money. Kaya pumayag siya na out patient na lang yung tests ko. I had ECG, Chest X-ray, and blood tests. Buti na lang at estudyante pa rin ako ng Unibersidad ng Pilipinas kaya nakalibre ako sa ibang test. What I thought of as a curse before eventually turned out to be a blessing. I mean, if I already had graduated, I would no longer be able to avail the services for free or at a minimal cost. Nakaganda pa rin pala na delayed ako sa graduation, for as long as I'm a UP student, alaga ako ng Infirmary/University Health Service. Ok naman yung results ng x-ray at ECG, i guess. Pero sa blood test, medyo may sablay. I haven't seen Dr. Oreta though kaya hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong mangyayari. Anyway, yun nga, Dr. Tony wrote a letter to the UP Health Service for my CT Scan. It would cost me from 10-12 thousand pero dahil nga estudyante ako, ni-request niya na i-refer ako sa PGH para makalibre or at least discount man lang. By the way, UP graduate din si Dr. Tony and he understands my situation. Sabi nga niya, yayaman din daw ako, tsaka ko na lang daw siya balikan. At that time, kausap ko rin si Mars sa text, and she told me that a miracle will come my way soon. And true enough, a miracle came my way that very moment. Kaya nga sabi ko sa kanya, "sis, may miracle na!" God is indeed good and He will always be a good God.

Hay, ang dami ko ng pinagkakautangang doctor. At salamat sa mga mabubuting taong gaya nila.

Dr. Deo Abe, Dra. Lilia Acantilado, Dr. Mario Adraneda, Dr. Edmund Oreta, Dr. Pete Guevarra, Dr. Daniel Caro, Dr. Tony Ramos - sobrang salamat po.

At sa lahat ng taong nagdadarasal para sken, maraming salamat. I know God will return to you the favor. I don't have the resources to pay you back, all I can assure you is that you'll always be in my prayers.

Thank you so much people. I believe, this too, shall pass.

My daughter Melai told me to take a break first. Sabi niya sken, "Mommy, wag ka munang magserve. Magpahinga ka muna. Wag ka munang pumunta sa CLP, sa music min. Don't worry, kaya ko 'to (facilitator kasi siya) kasi pinalaki mo ako nang maayos. I will make you proud Mommy. Hindi kita ipapahiya." We're both teary-eyed that night, and I was really touched by what she said. But I assured her na kaya ko pa. Sabi nga ni Tito Bernie sa talk niya, "love God with all your heart, with all your mind, and with all your strength." And that's all I'm doing. Hindi ko kayang iwan ang service at ang community kasi mahal ko yun. And nothing or no one could ever stop me from loving and serving God. Not even sickness. Not anything. Don't worry guys, alam ko kung hanggang saan ang kaya ko. At hangga't kaya ko pa, mananatili akong active sa service. Besides, never naman akong pinabayaan ni God e. And I know, He will never leave me.

Hanggang sa muli. Pahinga muna ako.

God bless everyone! ^_^

Pain is good. Pain keeps me alive.

~*When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm. Father, You are King over the flood, I will be still, know You are God.*~

my favorite lines from the movies i've seen lately.. (this is a late post)

"Whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." -Elliot/Martin, Turbulence II: Fear of Flying

"Fear does good things to people." -Martin Masserman, Turbulence II: Fear of Flying

"Please God, let us land safely." -Slade Craven, Turbulence III: Heavy Metal

"This is my town." -Chris Vaughn (The Rock), Walking Tall

"All you got is all you believe in." -Sheriff Charlie Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"Justice is about two things: power and money. With them, you can get away with anything." -Nick Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"Someone's got to do something." -Sheriff Charlie Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"(I am) someone doing something." -Nick Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"There's a difference between leaving and being run off." -Emma Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can do." -Nick Prescott, Walking Tall 3

"This is my home. This is my life. I'm not giving it up.. not for anything." -The Villain (I didn't catch his name.. it sounds like Presley..), Walking Tall 3

i am not in the mood to talk.. but this is all i can say: i had one hell of a week.. doctor.. medical tests.. blah blah.. i'm tired..

by the way, i would like to thank alpha for keeping me company today.. from the infirmary to the cs building to marikina.. thank you so much heelz! mwah!

and i would like to congratulate dan for passing ES.. i know you're really happy.. we're happy for you too! treat! hehe..

and i would also like to congratulate ruth.. astig! magna cum laude.. i'm so proud of you sis! keep up the good work..

God bless and take care everyone! ^_^

[evening of the 4th of April 2008]

my favorite lines from the movies i've seen lately.. (this is a late post)

"Whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." -Elliot/Martin, Turbulence II: Fear of Flying

"Fear does good things to people." -Martin Masserman, Turbulence II: Fear of Flying

"Please God, let us land safely." -Slade Craven, Turbulence III: Heavy Metal

"Let's do the hussle." -Slade Craven, Turbulence III: Heavy Metal

"This is my town." -Chris Vaughn (The Rock), Walking Tall

"All you got is all you believe in." -Sheriff Charlie Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"Justice is about two things: power and money. With them, you can get away with anything." -Nick Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"Someone's got to do something." -Sheriff Charlie Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"(I am) someone doing something." -Nick Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"There's a difference between leaving and being run off." -Emma Prescott, Walking Tall 2

"I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can do." -Nick Prescott, Walking Tall 3

"This is my home. This is my life. I'm not giving it up.. not for anything." -The Villain (I didn't catch his name.. it sounds like Presley..), Walking Tall 3

i am not in the mood to talk.. but this is all i can say: i had one hell of a week.. doctor.. medical tests.. blah blah.. i'm tired..

by the way, i would like to thank alpha for keeping me company today.. from the infirmary to the cs building to marikina.. thank you so much heelz! mwah!

and i would like to congratulate dan for passing ES.. i know you're really happy.. we're happy for you too! treat! hehe..

and i would also like to congratulate ruth.. astig! magna cum laude.. i'm so proud of you sis! keep up the good work..

God bless and take care everyone! ^_^

[evening of the 4th of April 2008]