one word: sad

(on being a PPCRV/NAMFREL volunteer and some other stuffs..)

i volunteered as a PPCRV/NAMFREL pollwatcher for the 2007 national and local elections. i wanted to be really involved in this crucial event. i know how important the elections are and i never want to simply vote, i want to be part of the counting as well.

i expected things to be hard.. and yes, they are..

i woke up at 530 in the morning and prepared myself for a long tiring day, i know it's going to be a tough job but i guess i'm ready for it. in fact, i was excited.

i don't need to give a detailed account of what happened during the day.. i just have to say a few things..

i came to realize the following:

it's hard to be a volunteer. aside from the fact that we don't get anything but 'thank you', we also have to wait for hours before we could eat our sponsored meals. good thing i live near the polling place so i was able to go home and get some 'panawid-gutom' food while waiting for our lunch. but i'm fine with it. let's say i've expected it already. i don't really have a problem with that.

yes, we were tired.. who wouldn't be? but physical stress is much better than mental and emotional stress and i prefer it over the other two..

you might be wondering where this post is headed.. i'm sorry, i can't seem to find a good way of putting things together, of keeping my thoughts organized. i don't know where to start and where should i end..

this could be the effect of the three consecutive days that i've forgotten the meaning of 'sleep'.. my mind is thinking a lot but the words aren't coming out right.

but still, let me try..

i really don't have that much to say.. i'm just a bit disappointed with the outcome of the local election. and i'm talking of Pasig alone.

forgive me if i may sound a bit emotional, let's just say that i am among the few concerned citizens.. i mean, those who are TRULY concerned.

i'm not a loyalist of whoever but i am a lover of development, real action, pure service, and genuine care.

i respect the opinion of others and i don't have any negative intention in writing this blog entry.

i'm just worried. what will happen to the country if people would vote just for the sake of voting?

unfortunately, i can't say that those who participated in yesterday's elections were responsible..

sorry but i mean it.

when people are asked why did they vote for that candidate, they would say 'for a change'. when asked what changes are needed, they would say 'a lot' but they can't even say just one concrete answer.

my point here is that, why vote when you don't even know why you're voting?

nakakalungkot isiping hindi man lang maipagtanggol ng tao ang desisyon nya, well, that's if decision niya talaga yun at hindi dulot lang ng impluwensya ng ibang tao.

ask me why i voted for him.. and i'll ask you 'why not?'

as a Pasigueño, i am a witness to the many struggles of this city.. and i have seen how, through their initiative, this town has progressed through the years..

dito ako lumaki, dito ako nag-aral, at ngayon dito rin ako nagtatrabaho. salamat sa pinagandang ortigas center, kung saan matatagpuan ang chikka at ang iba pang malalaking IT companies.

i can't stop the tears from falling.. i know they're falling because i am hurting.. i am really disappointed.

i've never been this affected with the results of the elections.
maybe because i'm a first time voter and i've witnessed how people took for granted what seemed so important to me..

i kept on asking 'why'..

ano pa bang kulang ha? anong pagbabago ang gusto niyo?
hindi ba kayo kuntento sa kung anong meron tayo ngayon?
oo, kurakot sila.. pero sino bang hindi?

what is important is that you give to the people the services that they need.. hindi ba nangyayari yun sa pasig? siguro nga may pagkukulang sa pasig city general hospital, pero hindi dahil hindi ka naasikaso ng nurse at doctor dun e magagalit ka na sa mayor o sa vice-mayor o sa kung sino mang tao..

they don't deserve the blame. hindi naman nila hawak ang isip ng mga empleyado nila. and mind you, every hospital has its own admin.. wag nyong isisi lahat sa local government..

i don't want to sound like pinagtatanggol ko sila.. pero kasi naranasan ko rin naman yun..

i was rushed to the pasig city general hospital because my tummy hurts like hell.. when we got there, i started to vomit.. at sabi nga ni mama, namumutla na raw ako.. sobrang weak na ako nung time na 'yun..

pero yung nurse na tumingin sken, wala pa ring ginagawa aside from getting some useless information about me.. she even said that i might be pregnant which really made my father mad..

imagine that: a father seeing her daughter suffer because of ulcer and you would tell him about the possibility of the girl being pregnant? and i was just 19 then..

my father was so furious.. muntik na niyang masuntok yung nurse, babae pa man din..

they decided to transfer me to a private mini-hospital where i was confined for two days..

that incident was more than enough reason for us to hate the admin of that hospital but it didn't mean we have to hate the city council as well..

it's not their fault.. you could say that they must have hired better people, but c'mon, even the best companies have not that competitive employees.. i mean, it's normal.. sa family nga lang, may tinatawag na black sheep di ba? it's the same thing..

but the thing is, man by nature, as they say (but i don't agree), easily forgets your 10 good deeds the moment you've done at least 1 negative action, no matter how simple or how serious that action is.. and another thing, people believe allegations most of the time.. they are never fair..

bakit nga ba ganun daw ang tao? does that mean hindi ako tao?

good heavens naman! why judge someone because of one wrong move or worse, one bad allegation?

'for a change..'
err, hindi ko na alam kung ano pang sasabihin ko para lang ipaintindi sa tao na hindi lahat ng bago ay maganda at hindi lahat ng luma ay bulok na..

corrupt daw.. pero ano na bang nagagawa niya? kaya nyo pa bang bilangin kung ilang schools na ang naipatayo? ilang magulang at estudyante na ang natulungan?

here i go again.. hindi ko talaga mapigilang mapaiyak.. nahihiya ako sa nagiging takbo ng bilangan.. sa mga lumalabas na partial results..

is this what he deserves? i don't think so..

err, i can't continue anymore.. i'm getting too emotional.. baka makita na ako ng boss ko na umiiyak..

hindi pa tapos ang bilangan.. the battle's not over yet pero sa lahat ng bumoto sa taong nangangako ng pagbabago, sana lang hindi kayo nagkamali sa decision niyo..

parang relationship yun e.. sawa ka na sa partner mo kasi you've been together for so long already.. alam mo na lahat sa kanya, wala na kayong maitatago sa isa't isa.. and then someone comes.. he/she promises to add flavor to your life.. dahil sa bored ka na, papatulan mo naman, iiwanan ang dati mong partner para itry kung anong pwedeng ioffer ng bagong kakilala.. kaso lang, short time happiness and satisfaction lang pala talaga ang gusto niya at kaya niyang ibigay.. pa'no na? hanap uli ng iba?

the problem with us is this: we are never contented.. we always ask for more..

i'm still hopeful na mananalo kung sino yung dapat..
marami pa akong gustong sabihin but my heart can longer stand the pain..

i'm afraid i have to end it here..

i have to heal myself first..

i almost died last sunday.. lessons on appreciating God's countless blessings..

10:15 PM 4/30/2007

i can't carry on anymore.. i'll continue with this blog entry tomorrow morning..

just a quick overview: this post will contain my experiences during our Lord's Day and Fellowship in Batangas, my recent realizations, and text messages which have touched my heart in one way or another..

'til tomorrow..

1:45 PM 5/1/2007

i woke up at 10am today to watch detective conan.. i really love that show.. i'm learning a lot.. and here's one of the things he (conan/sinichi) said na talaga namang tumatak sa isip ko:
"walang tama o maling deduksyon, dahil isa lang ang katotohanan.."

anyway, eto na yung continuation ng story ko.. by the way, just a warning, this is going to be a long post.. marami kasi akong sasabihin.. let me start with what happened last saturday..

may nagawa na akong post last sunday kaso lang i wasn't able to finish it kasi sobrang sleepy na talaga ako.. plus the fact that i have to be up by 6:00am the following day for my internship..

after the long introduction, eto na talaga.. =)

on saturday morning, i went to manila to have lunch with him.. ayoko ng magbigay ng details about it.. amin na lang yun.. but i was happy to see him again.. i missed him a lot kahit na almost every night ko siyang kausap.. i left at around 3pm to prepare for our Lord's Day and Fellowship/Outing sa Batangas.. super excited ako pumunta sa beach.. sabi nga ni binoy, romantic daw yung setting.. well, it's not really that.. what i'm looking forward to is the serene ambiance that only nature could provide.. and for some reason, i have always believed that the sea could heal a broken soul.. and yes, i think i am broken..

when i got home, i packed my things up, took a quick shower, and hurried to rosario to help in the preparation for the Lord's Day ceremony..

hindi ko na sasabihin pa yung details kasi may mga hindi magandang nangyari.. may mga sinumpong, kaya medyo nagkaroon ng tensiyon..

anyway, naging masaya naman yung gabi namin lalo na nung praisefest.. lahat kasi ng kinanta, gusto ko.. especially yung 'heaven is here..'

after the Lord's Day, nag-prepare na kami para sa pagpunta sa Batangas.. while waiting for the other members, pumunta muna kami sa 711 para bumili ng iba pang kelangan.. at syempre i had to call my family at siya na rin..

nakakatuwa kasi dun sa 711, nagpa-picture pa kami.. batch namin at si kuya rap.. nung magbabayad na ako, sabi nung guy dun sa counter, "siguro ma'am ikaw yung pinakamaganda dun.." haha! natawa talaga ako.. kamusta naman? napansin pa niya ako.. ayun.. so bumalik na kami sa jeep.. at naghintay..
napag-usapan na namin ng isang brother na tabi kami kasi may dala akong pillow, kaso lang pinaghiwalay yung babae at lalaki para raw magkaroon ng bonding yung sisters at brothers.. so ganun na nga..

dumating kami sa lemery around 3am.. konting pahinga lang sa bahay nina bea tapos tumuloy na sa beach..

i wasn't feeling well at that time kasi sobrang inaantok pa ako.. kaso lang excited ang lahat na abangan ang pagsikat ng araw..

around 5am, may dumating na banca.. at nag-alok si manong ng boating hanggang sa coral reefs.. at syempre, sumama ako..

i was with ate ive, ate glenda, karen, jhoy, and tin.. nakakatuwa kasi sobrang layo ng narating namin.. at sobrang na-enjoy namin yung view.. personally, i was satisfied with that trip..

when we reached the farthest point that we could get to, we shouted at the top of our lungs.. wala lang.. para lang ma-release lahat ng dala-dala naming excess baggage..

i wanted to cry there but no, nature is so beautiful to enjoy.. walang lugar ang pag-iyak.. at that time and place, i felt nothing but gratitude for such a wonderful world.. ang sarap ng feeling.. it's a different kind of freedom.. and i've proven that indeed, the sea could heal my broken soul..

tama si binoy, sobrang romantic ng setting.. kaso lang i was with the sisters.. i wish i was with him.. with tweet2, with my family.. and isa yun sa goals ko.. someday, makakasama ko rin ang mga taong pinakamamahal ko sa gitna ng dagat.. but it doesn't mean na hindi ko na-enjoy yung moment na yun..
no, i was very happy at that time.. at mas na-appreciate ko yung sisters habang kasama ko sila..

and what's even more amazing is the fact that we're able to witness the sunrise.. and it feels so good to travel along the path of the light of the sun.. sakto talaga.. i swear, sobrang perfect ng moment na yun.. sayang nga lang wala kaming dalang camera.. but that moment will be forever in my heart.. i don't know how to explain what i felt upon seeing the sun shining and smiling on me.. basta ang alam ko lang, we believed and we claimed that something wonderful is going to happen.. for us, it was a miracle.. at thankful kami kasi alam naming hindi magtatagal, makakamit na rin namin yung mga matagal na naming pinapangarap at pinagdarasal..

after the boating, naglakad naman kami sa shore.. at dun na kami nag-bond nang husto ni ate glenda..

pagbalik namin, inenjoy naman namin ang dagat.. kaso lang may hindi magandang nangyari.. as the title of this post says, i almost died.. exagg nga siguro pero yun kasi yung naramdaman ko e.. seconds lang yun but it seemed forever to me.. that situation reminded me of the people i love the most.. i only thought of 4 people.. kung sino sila, hindi na mahalaga.. basta alam kong sila ang dahilan kung bakit ayoko pang lisanin ang mundong ito..

salamat kay kuya mer at ate yet na tumulong sken.. wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi ang umiyak.. sobrang natakot talaga ako.. i was traumatized.. feeling ko its already my end.. hindi ko na nga alam kung sino2 yung lumapit at yumakap sken pero salamat sa kanila.. their hugs meant a lot.. i wanted to call my parents.. i wanted to call him.. i just needed a hug.. that's all..

sakto namang oras na ng breakfast and everyone was busy preparing the food, except for those who tried to comfort me.. i tried to be okay.. kaso lang i'm still not over the situation.. ang sakit sa dibdib.. ang tindi talaga ng nerbiyos ko.. i did nothing but cry to release the tension and the trauma that i feel..
pero hindi pa rin talaga.. nilapitan na ako ni sidh para patahanin.. i won't forget how he tried to comfort me by treating me like a baby.. sabi niya kain na raw muna kami.. mamaya raw swimming uli kami.. i was like, "awww.. that was so sweet.." i wanted to hug him but i don't have the strength to stand and face them.. tapos tinanong ako ni ate glenda kung gusto ko raw bang maglakad.. i said yes because i thought that's the best thing i could do.. lumayo muna.. nakahanap kami ng perfect spot para umupo at mag-relax.. na-appreciate ko talaga yung ginawa ni ate glenda.. she just let me cry my heart out.. release the tension.. and regain my composure.. she just listened.. she cared..

nasabi ko na sa kanya halos lahat ng pwede kong ikwento.. tungkol sa taong patuloy kong minamahal.. sa pamilya ko.. at nakinig lang siya..

honestly, that near-death experience has taught me to appreciate my brothers and sisters more.. especially those who really cared.. si kuya mer, si ate yet, si sidh, at si ate glenda.. pati na rin yung lumapit para i-hug ako.. isa na ata dun si bea..

i really didn't expect those people to show such concern.. lalo na si sidh.. he's a nice guy pero may mga times na suplado siya sken.. but i was surprised with what he did and i appreciate that.. there are only two guys who have treated me that way.. leonard and sidh..

hindi ko matandaan kung na-mention ko na yun before.. pero just so you know, i lost my USB last march.. at sa sobrang sama ng loob ko kasi sobrang importante nun sken, nag-text ako kay leonard para sabihing tumawag siya.. upon hearing his voice, i immediately cried.. crying shoulder ko kasi talaga siya ever since i came to know him.. and what he said really melted my heart.. sabi niya "wag ka ng umiyak.. 'yaan mo, bibili tayo ng bagong USB.." what i felt then was the same feeling that i had last sunday upon hearing almost the same words from sidh.. different situations but same manner of trying to comfort me..

lalo pa akong na-overwhelm kasi nung bumalik kami ni ate glenda, tumawag si papa at nangangamusta.. naiyak na naman ako uli pero hindi ko na sinabi sa kanya yung nangyari para di na siya mag-alala pa..

bumalik pa rin naman ako sa tubig pero sandali na lang at kasama ko na sina kuya mike at kuya toto na tinatawag akong 'bunso..'

bago kami umuwi, dumaan muna kami sa taal church.. and again, umiyak na naman ako..

on our way home, si kuya mike, kuya ron, jan, at yun bag ni sidh ang naging tulugan ko..

pagdating ko sa bahay, hindi ko naitago kay mama yung nangyari kasi naramdaman din niya.. nagising daw siya nung oras na yun kasi nananaginip siya and when she woke up, she was already crying.. she can't remember her dream pero nagising lang siya kasi napagod na siya kakaiyak.. when she heard the story, syempre nagalit siya.. hindi raw dapat nangyari yun.. mahirap daw talaga yung sobrang tiwala.. i begged her not to tell papa about it.. kasi baka sabihin niyang umalis na ako sa community, which i never want to do.. alam ko namang hindi intentional yun e.. it was just an accident..

after kumain, at gumawa ng progress report for my internship blog, natulog na ako.. hindi ko na talaga kayang pumunta pa kina ronald para batiin siya ng 'happy birthday' at mag-sorry sa hindi ko pag-attend ng party niya nung saturday.. i texted him and told him that i can't blame him kung nagtatampo siya sken pero sana maintindihan niya..

the next morning, which was yesterday, i forced myself to wake up and prepare for my ojt.. tinanong ako ni mama kung ok na ba ako.. syempre medyo hindi pa.. parang ang bigat pa ng katawan ko.. dala na rin ng nerbiyos, puyat, at pagod sa biyahe.. but i have to be in the office.. kaya pinilit ko pa rin.. naisip ko wala namang pasok ngayon kaya pwede akong bumawi..

last night, he called.. pero before that, tumawag na rin si ronald.. and i'm glad na ok na kami.. bestfriend ko siya since elementary kaya naman masaya akong hindi na siya galit.. sobrang love ko rin yun and i never want to fail him.. it's just that nauna na akong nag-commit sa SFC.. pero yun, thank God nagkaayos na kami..

so, yun nga, tumawag din si leonard.. at syempre, hindi ko rin nadeny sa kanya yung nangyari.. as expected, hindi niya nagustuhan.. e medyo war freak talaga yun e.. parang si papa rin.. sabi niya, iwan ko na raw ang SFC.. lagi na lang daw akong umiiyak.. (alam din niya yung nangyari nung birthday ni kuya tj).. pero sabi ko nga, tapos na yun.. naiyak ko na.. nag-sorry na yung tao.. ok na ako.. hindi pa rin siya convinced and he's insisting a revenge.. tipong "hindi pwedeng ganun na lang yun.. pa'no kung hindi ka na-save, maibabalik ba ng sorry nya yung buhay mo if ever something worse happened? anong gusto mo, magpasalamat sa kanya for risking your life?" alam ko namang ganun na talaga magiging reaction niya.. protective din kasi yun eh.. pero syempre, ako pa rin naman ang magdedecide kung anong gusto kong gawin.. and i have decided to forgive and forget.. sabi niya sken, akala pa naman daw niya magagandang bagay ang ikukwento ko.. sobrang excited ko pa raw tapos iiyak lang pala ako.. nag-sorry ako sa kanya for not being able to buy balisong.. nakatulog kasi ako sa biyahe.. sa tagaytay na ako nagising.. natuwa lang ako sa sinabi niya na muntik na nga raw akong hindi nakabalik, pasalubong pa rin ang iniisip ko.. hehe.. syempre naman, takot ako sa kanya e.. at gaya ng inaasahan ko, pinagsabihan niya rin ako.. na may mali rin daw ako.. dapat daw hindi ako masyadong nagtitiwala.. yun din ang sinabi ni mama.. at malamang, yun din ang sasabihin ni papa.. sabi pa niya mas okay raw sana kung bloopers na lang yung nakwento ko.. mga tipong pwedeng ipalabas sa bitoy's funniest videos.. kaso lang walang ganun e..

ang dami ko na palang nasabi.. pero basta ang importante, na-appreciate ko yung nature, na-appreciate ko yung mga taong nagmamahal, at na-realize kong i have to be strong and i have to survive para sa mga taong mahal ko.. pamilya ko, si leonard, mga kaibigan, at mga tunay na nagmamahal at nagpapahalaga sken..

and of course, i appreciate life now more than ever.. sabi nga ni leonard, baka nga raw yun na yung miracle ko.. sort of 2nd life na rin.. hindi nga siguro ganun kadelikado yung nangyari pero kasi ganun yung naramdaman ko e.. sobrang big deal siya for me.. and i realized, i could die anytime.. and i have to be always prepared for it.. kaya while i'm still blessed to be alive, dapat wala akong sayanging panahon at pagkakataon.. dapat lagi kong ipaalam sa mga taong mahalaga sken na mahal ko sila.. at dapat din, ipakita ko yung appreciation ko sa mga taong nakakagawa ng kabutihan sken..

one last, happy ako sa mga natatanggap kong comments from people i don't know.. lalo na sa mga taong nag-rereact sa blog ko sa facebox (netlog na ngayon).. to soul_hunter, and to the pakistani guy, thank you so much! =)

i'm afraid i have to end this post here.. i still have some other things to do for chikka..

wala lang, bago ko tapusin 'to, gusto ko lang sabihin na ka-txt ko si kuya delmer ngayon.. at sabi niya, na-miss daw niya yung bonding nung sunday.. sana raw hindi na natapos ang araw na yun.. well, ako rin.. despite the not-so-good things that happened, sobrang special pa rin ng araw na yun.. at happy rin ako to be able to bond with them.. sa uulitin..

i'd like to end this post with a beautiful message from bernard.. thanks dude!

~*never regret a day in your life.. good days give you happiness, bad days teach you experience.. both are essential to life.. all are God's blessings..*~

good day and God bless everyone! *hug* =)

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the following are my journal entries which i wasn't able to post in my blogs.. read on if you still have time.. the text messages are beautiful.. =)

8:03 PM 4/29/07 *this is the post i was talking about..*

before anything else, i would like share the following quotes i recently received from my good friends..
i don't have that much space in my inbox that's why i have to erase text messages regularly.. and today is my schedule of deletion.

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES:
oftentimes, we need to pray not because we need to change the situation, but primarily because we need God to change our attitude towards the situation.

every moment we waste with anger and worries are moments of happiness we steal from ourselves. there's never been a day or night that God didn't remember you, not a moment that He didn't watch over you, never a time He didn't protect you, because God loves you.

it's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.

it's hard to wait around for something that you know will never happen, but it's harder to stop when you know it's everything you've always wanted.

the starting point of maturity is the realization that "no one is coming to the rescue." everything you are or ever will be is entirely up to you.

it's not one great deed that defines who you are. it's the little good things you do to others day by day that counts. carry on! others may not notice but God does.

LOVE QUOTES:
there are things you can't see but you choose to believe..reasons you have but you can't explain.. mistakes you can't bring yourself and a love so questionable but you still choose to fight for.

if your heart gets broken, don't be bitter.. don't turn your back on love.. just keep on trying.. because there is no better remedy for love but to love again.

LOVE..
it means trusting yourself with someone who has seen you at your worst and loves you anyway..
it means teasing each other and laughing at inside jokes nobody but only the two of you understand..
it means feeling safe enough to talk about anything and having the patience to work out disagreements..
it means counting on someone who sympathizes when you had a bad day, worries about you when you're gone too long, and always welcomes you with open arms no matter what.

loving many people all at the same time is like eating candies with different flavors.. it's fun because you get to taste all of them.. but once you're done, and when they're all gone, can you tell which candy was the sweetest? stop fooling around.. learn how to let things go.. know that you cannot have everything.. stick with someone who makes you happy.. you only get to live once.. get rid of the other candies and do yourself a favor.. stay with the one you love most.

when letting go becomes the hardest choice you'll ever make, all you have to do is keep calm for a while & tell your heart "all things come and go, you only have to learn how to set it free."

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9:00 AM 4/27/07
bloody chikka internship..

fifth day na namin dito and things are getting worse.. hay.. kamusta naman? quiz about the doctoral thesis we were asked to read.. coding of the subscription service (quote central - smart).. ano pa ba? i've expected things to be hard, but not this hard.. well, maybe because i am having this 'mild' influenza that's why i can't digest what i've been reading.. the result? i have to read that part again.. another wasted time.. honestly, i could feel that i am not in the proper condition now.. i'm not really feeling well.. i'm sick.. =(

i hope things would get better as i go on with my internship.. i still have barely 3 weeks to do a great job.. it isn't too late, is it?

by the way, if there have been difficult times, there are also good times, which happen during lunch breaks.. i'm really lucky to be with cool and fun people.. and we really get along well..

as a matter of fact, during our first day, after the contract signing, we had our pictures taken.. hindi naman kami camera addicts no? haha!