i deserve God's best

checked my email tonight and was able to read Kuya Ryan's post about the online workshop registration for this year's MMC. i clicked on the link which led me to the SFC Global site. i browsed through the articles with no intention but to just browse. but everything happens for a reason, and in every little thing, God speaks. and tonight, He spoke to me through the article posted by Ate Kate Deiparine, written by Dolly Macam.

God spoke to me powerfully in this paragraph:
"Let us not settle for relationships that hurt more than heal; careers that makes us miserable; friendships that alienate us from God and our families; habits that lead us closer to death’s door than to the purposeful life God meant for us; pursuits that benefit no one but ourselves; and lives that are not patterned after God’s wonderful plan!"

after everything that i've been through in the last few weeks, there's no place i'd rather be than home (where my true family is), no person i'd rather be with than mama, papa, arnold, and a few true friends, and no other love i'd rather feel than God's unwavering, unconditional, and everlasting love, the kind of love which demands nothing, that which does not root from just a need, love, in its truest sense.

truly, i deserve nothing but the best, nothing but God's best. why would i settle for less?

i am a woman. i am not just some THING. i was made by God to love and be loved.

days ago, i received this message: "kapag pinapakita mo na kaya mo tanggapin lahat, mas lalo ka nilang sasaktan kasi iniisip nila na kaya mo naman dahil strong ka."

i am strong, but i am not emotionless, no matter how hard i wish i am.
i am strong, but i am not insensitive as others are (i know many of them).
i am strong, but that doesn't mean you can hurt me endlessly.

i am strong, that's why i'm moving forward with no intention to look back. i can't turn back time. if only toni braxton had found a way to unbreak a heart, uncry the tears, and undo the hurts, i would ask her to teach me how. but i guess she hasn't yet. i just don't think it's possible. but what i know is it's possible to have a future way way different from what WAS and IS. and i am determined to have that. and i am starting NOW.

today is the last day of my life (coincidentally also the last of the month), and the first day of my BETTER LIFE.

God made me realize everything little by little. everyday, something happens. His message came in the form of quotes, verses, situations, people, stress, frustrations, and even hurts and pains.

and today, May 31, my parents' 23rd wedding anniversary, God sent me not one, not two, but three life-changing messages:

1. Be with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy. Just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are.

2. Sometimes, you have to fight for something to make everything alright. You give your best and you give your all, yet you still lose. But if ever you get tired, tell Jesus, He'll take the fight and win it all for you.

3. You deserve God's best.

thanks to Annie, Mhalen, Shezha, Marshee, and Kuya Ryan who allowed themselves to be my angels today.

and to Ate Eden, for checking on me. (at least somebody cared. okay, i was wrong when i told She that i feel like nobody cares and nobody ever did care. there's somebody - there's Ate Eden and of course there's THEM ^_^)

and to THEM - my family (mama, papa, arnold). they're among God's best.

Kuya Ryan's blog post for today is entitled, "The Best May 31 Ever". i thought it was the opposite for me, but with all the realizations, with everything that God has revealed to me, i would say that today is one of the best days of my life.

two words: surrender and trust.

with that, i'm saying farewell to May and hello to June with high hopes of seeing the bright sunshine after the dark night and the heavy rain. ^_^

good night Philippines! ^_^

P.S.
just want to say this: the greatest commandment is to LOVE, not to USE. Love people, not things. Use things, not people.

affirmation.. [God moves in mysterious ways]

the previous week has been a week of trials and tests.. since Saturday of last week, i've been bombarded with issues that seemed so hard for me to bear and situations too tough for me to handle.. i've been told of things that broke my already broken heart.. sabi nga ni melai, 'hindi lang basta biniyak na bato, ginawa pang buhangin.' honestly, i was sooooooooooooo down.. really.. and to make things worse, i found out that i don't only have a problem with my stomach, but with my back as well.. the X-ray plate was clear, i have scoliosis (dextro and levo).. good thing the angle of curvature was only 10 degrees with grade II levorotation. i'll meet the orthologist on Tuesday, and then, I will know what i have to do.. as for now, i am not allowed to carry heavy objects and i am requested to rest (again)..

not only that, Dr. Abe has also advised me to see Dr. Mario, a gastroenterologist who will conduct the endoscopy procedure to check the condition of my stomach.. this is because the medicine i have taken for 20 days, unfortunately, took no effect.. i still don't feel well..

yesterday, after the first debate in my leadership class, i left and met my mother in cubao.. we went to the hospital (De Los Santos Medical Center) to see Dr. Mario Adraneda. We waited in line for almost an hour but the consultation only took less than 5 minutes.. and that's already P400. anyway, he had given me no choice but endoscopy.. asap.. he wanted to have it tomorrow, but since i have an exam (and we don't have money yet), he scheduled it on wednesday.. 8:30am at the Jose Reyes Memorial Medical Center (friends, i need your prayers.. i have to admit that i'm scared.. scared of the procedure, scared of everything.. and i badly need your prayers.. sa ngayon, wala pa rin kameng pera, pero i know God will provide..)

sa lahat ng nangyayari sken ngayon: problema sa health, sa pera, sa studies (thesis presentation is on wednesday but i won't be able to present because one, i don't have anything good to present, and two, i'll be at the hospital), sa mga taong pilit akong sinasaktan at nilalaglag, at sa lahat ng hindi magandang bagay sa paligid ko na hindi ko na kailangan pang isa-isahin, bakit ang title ng post na ito ay 'affirmation'? bakit ko pa sinabing God moves in mysterious ways eh puro nga ako problema? narito po ang ilan sa mga dahilan..

i am able to say that God moves in mysterious ways because..

1. the endoscopy procedure costs P8500-10,000++ but i'll only pay P4000, same instrument, same doctor.

2. i received an affirmation last night, during our Christian Life Program.. my original plan was to just join the music ministry in singing the praise and worship songs tapos uwi na.. sa totoo lang, mas madali na akong mapagod ngayon.. my back aches more frequently and more intensely these days kaya hindi na ako makatagal ng mahabang oras na pag-upo, pagtayo.. however, last night was different.. i decided to stay.. inisip ko rin kasi, next Saturday malaki ang chance na hindi ako makakapunta sa CLP at dahil facilitator na si Melai at assistant nya si Velle, i need to support them.. i need to at least guide them in their first discussion with the participants.. and siguro nga, gusto rin talaga ni God na magstay ako.. because He spoke to me through Ate Liza, our speaker.. the topic was God's love' and i am affirmed that God does love me.. and that everything that i am going through right now is just a manifestation of His love for me.. ang hirap explain pero with all sincerity, ramdam ko talaga na mahal ako ng Diyos.. ^_^

3. my daughters in the community, Melai and Velle, will be with me through the procedure.. i know ibang klaseng sacrifice ang kelangan nilang gawin.. Melai has to wake up early, at si Velle naman, wala pang tulog galing sa work.. pero they are willing to be with me.. and it means a lot.. i'm not that strong, but because they will be there, i know i'll be fine.

4. i was able to enjoy the company of my brothers and sisters in the community this afternoon.. we had lunch together, jammed together, laughed together.. i swear it was fun.. at sobrang touched ako kasi kahit loko lang ni batchmate sidh, he held me when he sang this line: if i had only one friend left, i want it to be you.. wala lang..

5. and most importantly, nalaman ko ng mas maaga yung scolio ko.. salamat kay velle at sidh na nagtrace ng backbone ko at nagsabing magpatingin na ako kasi hindi pantay ang buto ko.. at hindi lang pagod ang cause ng back pain ko.. kung hindi sa payo nila, patuloy kong iisiping ulcer lang ang sakit ko.. at malamang, lumalala pa yung scolio ko..

sa lahat ng mga dahilang nabanggit ko, at sa marami pang ibang dahilan, alam ko at ramdam kong mahal ako ng Panginoon.. and i would like to take this chance to thank Him for everything He has done for me.. honestly, the content of my prayer is nothing but thanksgiving.. hindi ko nga magawang humiling pa sa Kanya eh..kasi sa dami ng binigay na Niya, ano pa bang hihilingin ko? sabi nga ni Ate Liza, God knows everything.. He knows our needs.. And He will provide.. i know He will..

this is my prayer.. and i'm sharing it because i'll never know who can be touched by it.. maybe someone else is going through the same situation that i'm in.. and maybe, my prayer is also somebody else's prayer.. here it goes..

My Lord, I praise and thank You for everything that You have done in my life.
Thank you for the trials - they have taught me to depend on You and to let go and let You move in my life.
Thank you for the heartaches and the pain of undeserved suffering - they have made me stronger and they have taught me what sacrificial and unconditional love truly mean.
Thank you for the little moments of laughter and joy - they have made me appreciate the beauty of life and the whole of Creation.
Thank you for the people that I meet everyday - they have taught me to love and accept others no matter how difficult they can sometimes be.
Thank you for the gift of life - I am given the chance to serve the purpose for which I was created.
Thank you for my sickness - it has taught me to live each day as if it's my last, to value each passing moment, to appreciate more.
Thank you for my family, for my true friends, for my daughters in the community, for my ates and kuyas, brothers and sisters (esp. Rhoan, Sidh, Alvin, and Kuya Don), and for my leaders (Kuya Pip and Ate Jing) who have been very much supportive and truly caring - their faith in me has caused me to have faith in myself. Through them, I feel You, i feel Your love.
Thank You for Your mercy. Thank You for Your love. Thank You for never leaving me. Thank You for accepting and loving me as I am - weak, imperfect, a sinner.
Loving and Perfect Father, I can't thank You enough for all the blessings that You have given me and my family.
I know that You know how broken I am, how sick I am, and I am confident that You will be my Healer, You will fix whatever is needed to be fixed in my life. Without You, I am nothing Lord, take me, mold me, use me. I am Yours, all Yours.
Lord, I know how much I have sinned against you and I humbly ask for forgiveness. I ask for Your grace to help me live each day for Your glory, doing Your will, and sharing Your word, Your love, and Your mercy.
You know me Lord. You know me very well. I can't ask for anything more. You have given me more than enough. And all my days, I will testify to Your goodness. I may have said too much but there's still much to be said. And You know it Lord, You know how much awe I have for You.
I love You Lord. I need You. I surrender and I offer everything to You. You are my God. You are Everything. Thank You.